How do I (30M) let go of my toxic cheating ex GF (30F)?
I (30M) was broken up with by my ex-girlfriend (30F) about 5 months ago after an off-and-on 5 year relationship. Since then, I honestly haven’t felt like myself at all. I feel emotionally wrecked and I’m struggling to move on even though, logically, I know the relationship was unhealthy.
I’ll try to summarize this without writing a novel.
When I first met her, she had a very difficult life. She came from an abusive background, had no real support system, smoked weed constantly, didn’t drive, had no direction, no education, no real stability. But despite all of that, I was deeply drawn to her. She had this hopeful, gentle outlook on life that made me feel calm. Underneath everything, I saw potential and a genuinely good heart, or so I thought.
Over time, I helped her a lot. I encouraged her to go to college, introduced her to friends, taught her things like cooking and basic adult responsibilities, pushed her to believe in herself more. I genuinely loved seeing her grow. At the same time, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes feel pressure or even used early on, especially because she wanted to move in very quickly while still being very dependent on me emotionally and financially.
In the beginning of the relationship, I handled conflict terribly. When I got overwhelmed or frustrated, especially watching her continue to fail classes or stay stuck in unhealthy habits, I would impulsively “break up” during arguments. Usually it lasted hours or a day at most, but I know that instability hurt her deeply. Eventually I realized how damaging that was, apologized many times, and committed to sticking things through instead of threatening to leave whenever things got hard.
Then, about 2 years into the relationship, I found out she had been cheating on me for around 8 months, but I still stayed.
I forgave her because I loved her and wanted to move forward. But honestly, after that point something changed. She became colder toward me emotionally, even though I tried hard to repair things. We eventually broke up last summer, but stayed in contact every single day. She dated other people, I dated other people too. Ironically, when I finally started getting close to someone healthier and emotionally stable, my ex suddenly came back wanting to reconcile.
We got back together around September and, for a while, it felt like the healthiest period of our entire relationship. We traveled together, spent real quality time together, talked about the future. I genuinely thought we had finally matured past all the chaos.
Then out of nowhere, this March, she ended things completely.
I completely fell apart. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t function normally, constant anxiety, obsessive thoughts, panic during intimacy with other women, all of it. It felt less like heartbreak and more like my nervous system completely collapsing.
What makes it harder is the confusion surrounding her personality. She could be incredibly loving and warm privately, but emotionally detached the next day. She lied constantly, even about things she didn’t need to lie about. She rarely took accountability for anything, even the cheating somehow became my fault in her mind. My friends and family never trusted her, but I always defended her because I loved her deeply and saw the vulnerable side of her that other people didn’t.
She also has this ability to act completely differently depending on who she’s around. Different voice, different personality, almost like she adapts to whatever environment she’s in. It made me question what was real sometimes.
After the breakup, she initially told me maybe we could work things out in the future, then a week later told me she never wanted to be with me again. Yet whenever we do talk, the chemistry and comfort between us still feels completely normal, which keeps messing with my head.
There’s also guilt on my side. Toward the end, I exposed some lies she had been hiding from her family, including money (a lot) she had stolen from them. Part of me did it because I was angry and wanted the truth to finally catch up with her. Another part of me genuinely thought I was forcing accountability that nobody else around her ever did. Since I informed her family, they cut all ties with her and stopped supporting her financially. Either way, I know it caused major damage in her life and I carry guilt over it. I apologized to her a lot for this and said I would make it up in any way she would want. I have money so I wouldn't mind, as long as her intentions are pure. For the second time in her life she is starting over. I just don't get it - I was willing to love her to death, give her the world, but I was thrown to the curb. And it's not like I'm boring, or ugly, or the sex was bad. Like she even admits that she loves spending time with me - until I destroyed her finances. I know I messed up informing them, and I wish I didn't but part of me feels like she has been playing me and her family like a game. I couldn't take the mental games anymore...
So I guess my question is this:
How do you actually move on from someone who simultaneously felt like the love of your life and one of the most psychologically destabilizing people you’ve ever known?
How do you stop idealizing someone your brain knows was unhealthy for you?
And has anyone else experienced heartbreak that genuinely felt closer to withdrawal or trauma than a “normal” breakup?