A lesson in listening to your intuition
I got a very faint but positive pregnancy test 7/26. The next day, the line had darkened a little, but I felt something was off. I was already spotting heavily. I asked my doctor for blood work.
hCG 7/28: 21
hCG 7/30: 68
I didn't feel relief when those results came in. I still felt like something was wrong. Spotting with clots on and off. My best friend told me to stop taking at home tests and to enjoy being pregnant. I didn't listen. The lines didn't darken. I again asked for more blood work.
hCG 8/3: 84
I knew at this point the pregnancy was not healthy. Non-viable. A chemical. A miscarriage. My doctor's office called me. They told me "it's so early" and "try not to worry", we'd wait until the next results came in. I stopped bleeding.
hCG 8/5: 68
I felt like this was just confirming what I already knew. My doctor's office said "your levels continued to fall. I'm truly sorry. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear." That's literally all they said. Nothing about follow up, about what to expect, what to look out for. I asked "do I need to follow up and can I try to get pregnant again right away?" I was told no follow up needed and to wait a cycle before trying again. I had plenty of cheap pregnancy tests to spare, so decided to take them every other day to track my hCG down. I did this so I'd be confident that the next time I got a positive it was a new pregnancy.
On Monday 8/10, I started spotting again in the evening. That morning I felt like the pregnancy test hadn't gotten any lighter- thought maybe I had just been seeing things. Reading into it too much. But when making dinner, I had sudden severe cramping on my left side. I called the on-call doctor in tears concerned about an ectopic. She said since I was having diarrhea the cramps were probably GI related, and she wasn't concerned about the still positive pregnancy test. "hCG can hang around for a while." My cramps eventually subsided and I went to bed. Maybe I was just paranoid.
More bleeding in the morning. More bleeding the next morning. On Wednesday I took another pregnancy test and it was blazing positive. The most positive test I'd had for this pregnancy. I knew something was wrong. I messaged my doctor asking for blood work and an ultrasound. They told me to come in for blood work. When I was there, I again asked for an ultrasound. They eventually agreed to schedule me for an ultrasound later that day and a telehealth appointment with the doctor a few hours after that. My husband held my hand and made me laugh while we waited.
On the call with the doctor (a different doctor than the one I spoke to Monday night), she had me tell her the whole story. She asked what side I had had that cramping on. I knew at that moment that this was actually ectopic. I wasn't crazy. I wasn't paranoid. I had known and listened to my body and essentially caught it myself. She told me it was in my left tube, 2cmX2cm. Small. She gave me the options and I asked what I wanted to do. I wanted to wait until the blood work from that morning was back.
hCG 8/12: 457
I opted for methotrexate, had the injections 8/13. Still concerned about a possible rupture. Every shift in my body brings me fear. I'm processing all of the feelings. Grief, anger, gratefulness, confusion, empowered, helpless. I want to have a conversation with my obgyn office. Tell them that I'm not sure I feel safe at this practice anymore. Ask why my hCG wasn't tracked to zero. Why my call Monday night was brushed off. Why I had to ask multiple times for an ultrasound.
Ultimately, I feel that I'm still in shock. I have a lot to process. 3 months minimum until we can try again. I'll likely use that time to seek therapy.