Am I wrong for choosing to date other people?
Twin and I have been in separation since 2022. Last year, I moved across the country to her city and she refused to see me, and told me she doesn’t plan on seeing me ever again.
Obviously, we’ll always be divine counterparts, and I’ll always want to be with her. The grief of permanent separation is often too much for me.
And I’m lonely. I need physical touch. I desire intimacy with someone. I want domestic life with someone. Someone. I want to be married. I’m barely able to communicate with my twin (although she hears me telepathically nearly everyday), I don’t feel her emotions or know anything about her life, can’t intuit anything about her, and our astral intimacy hasn’t been working for a while, so it feels like she’s a figment of my imagination, permanently out of reach.
Recently, I started seeing someone new and talking to a few other people. I plan to move back to the city where my twin and I met and actually start (casually?) dating. The person I’ve been seeing all summer, we definitely had a lot of emotional intimacy (nothing physical), I was only in that city for the summer, so it’s over, at least for now. Hanging out with him definitely felt like emotional cheating. He is the first real crush I’ve had in a while. When I parted ways with him, he told me he loved me and I said it back. I’ve cheated on my twin before by having sex with other people but I really haven’t had much of an actual romance since my twin and I separated. I definitely know that my heart and honestly life can never truly be committed to someone else, so despite wanting to see other people, I know it can’t really ever become serious.
Last night my twin posted a song on Spotify (this was our way of communicating for years, but she’s pretty much stopped doing it over the last year), the lyrics of the song were basically saying “I don’t want you, I don’t want your loving, go see someone else, he’s better for you, don’t try to come around again”. My twin has told me before that even though we won’t be together in the 3D, she doesn’t want me seeing any other people. So when I started seeing that guy this summer, I’ve been struggling with a lot of guilt, especially because I’ve cheated on my twin in the past and know how much that hurt her. Especially because she’s invested so much into healing me following my sexual assault (which happened during the last time I cheated, last year).
I’m feeling deeply conflicted. I can’t be with her, she doesn’t want me to be with anyone else, but I’m lonely. I genuinely feel alone. She’s like an angel that grants me her presence and love once in a while, not someone I feel actually connected to. I want to do right by my twin, but I have emotional and physical needs, and it seems unlikely, and unfair, for those to just go unmet for the rest of my life. But it seems unfair to her too. And maybe even the person or people I’m dating, since I can truly never actually be with them.
Any and all thoughts appreciated. Be nice, be mean, I can take it.