u/wayched-cheddar-bag

may times na gusto ko magka-bf but then the feeling of wanting one goes away kapag naaalala ko na i'm a plus sized girl (85kg). while i do understand preferences, minsan iniisip ko, hindi ba ako pasok sa preference ng guys kahit isa lang? HAHAHAHAAH i mean, i'm not ugly, i'm not pretty too. just... somewhere in the middle. there are days na i feel confident w my look, how i dress & how i carry myself pero wala ba talaga lord :(

or wala talaga unless ako yung lalapit? ewan, natrauma kasi ako sa first bf ko nung highschool. i confessed nung g8, nagligawan nung g9 then officially together nung g10. by the time we celebrated a year together, he started asking kung kailan daw ba ako magy-yes to giving him my virginity because his best friend and his girlfriend already did it. i got pressured and said yes na lang after saying "no" several times. i remember it happening sa bahay nila, while his mom was in bicol. his best friend and his girlfriend were downstairs. naalala ko yun kasi sabi nung girlfriend ng best friend niya "sige na (name ng ex ko), babantayan namin yung pinto pag dumating na tita mo at kapatid mo"

then he dragged me upstairs sa room niya and we did it. i remember being so out of it, as in wala akong naramdaman after nun. my late dad picked me up nearby and when he asked how my day went, i couldn't tell him the truth. i just said "okay lang, wala naman nangyari" when in fact, may nangyari!

i remember getting the courage to end the relationship nung first year college na kami. i told my mom that the reason i broke up with my ex was because busy na ko sa school & i was adjusting to a new environment, hindi ko nasabi na ang totoo is namulat na ako sa mga ginawa niya sakin. if i could rewind time lang talaga, sana hindi na lang ako nagconfess. i could've experienced a different teenage love story :(

now that i'm an adult and have been single for years, namimiss kong magkaroon ng boyfriend. namimiss kong kiligin HAHAHAAHAH wala lang, namimiss ko lang talaga yung feeling. may mga nakausap naman ako, may mga matitino, may afam, one time may singaporean pa kong naka-match sa bumble tapos sinabihan akong "ain't nobody tryna be with your fat ass" and since then, i stopped using dating apps in general HAHAHAH hays

sabi nga nung nakita ko sa tiktok, "if i'm meant to be alone, then please take away my desire to be loved"