u/wellheynow

I’m glad we’re not talking because I would not be able to hide the disappointment in my voice.

I believed in you. Yet somehow I knew. I almost forgot— full commitment means you can’t say no. You’re essential and needed where you are in so many ways but I hate the suspicion that no one is looking out for what you need. Or worse, no one knows the depth and variety of what you need.

In past years I might have been bitter because of what I felt I was lacking. But now I know more of who I am and what I want and I’m not bitter or jealous as much as I am so so sad for you and maybe me.

My brilliant magnetic jerk, I miss you. I have seen you and known you and loved you because of who you are and not in spite of it.

And I still love you, the real you. Wherever he is. I don’t need him but my goodness do I want him.

It seems like once again I need to let go and let the riptide have its way with you, like it has time and time again. You’ve spent more of your life underwater than above it. You’re an astoundingly stupid bitch, but I hope one day you get to come up and take a deep breath without immediately having to plunge back down into the cold. And I hope not too long after that, you find me and we can close the distance and share each other’s breath and space and minds and bodies.

I should be grossed out and turned off by what has been brought to my attention. Mostly I just want to make fun of you and inject some levity. But even though you’ve done things I don’t agree with and that logically could not possibly be in your best interest— I wish so badly that I could help you. However, with the wisdom of years past, we both know that there’s no such thing as a little bit of heroin.

Just remember what an economical option I can be. It doesn’t take much to get you where you’d like to be— even if you can’t stay there. You’re too good to fully indulge but please do get at me before you’re completely dead inside.

Bye five-ever.

And you’re beautiful and hilarious and I miss you. Just some irrefutable facts that I know and appreciate forever.

I have so much energy and motivation and curiosity that I wish I could explore with you. Only you.

I’d write more, but it’s late and I’m tired and I’ve said so much already. Like… over the years across many media.

I’m so proud of you and you’re doing great— to my knowledge, by design. I understand your rationale more each day… it sucks but the alternative butterfly effect would be indescribably awful. I get it.

Happy happy my old ancient fren. I’m still quiet, still here, still yours— however you want it.