u/whenjacksattack

He's looking at Barracuda out of frame, who was mid-scream over the puppy licking her butthole

He gonna go back to underneath the Jesus porch

Ft The Hound because this was approximately the time that his obsession with his new apprentice began.

Things to note:

The Poof (head puff that gains mass and sentience as she ages & looks sort of like a helmet)

The intensely self-sufficient side-eye because she has the attitude of a 7 year old who just figured out how to tear duct tape

Becomes less dark because her heart has been absorbing the darkness and using it more efficiently

When running, looks like she was assembled slightly wrong - like I forgot to use all the bolts and screws supplies in her original packaging

The Hound is alive I STG you guys he's just been feeling ugly and in his feelings and hasn't been posing for pictures

Also we had a beach weekend and I do not fully trust The Hound or his carriage in that kind of environment - there were too many off leash / long leashed dogs and I did not need my antique cat to commit any atrocities in front of children

On the plus side I GOT A HANDY LITTLE HAMMOCK FOR FIVE BUCKAROOS

Full name: Petunia Anne

Birthday: November 27th

Breed: fluffy as FUCK BOOOOOIII

Nickname: Baby Satan, Toody, Toodles, Tuney

Tragic Backstory: Adopted at a PetSmart adoption event where she was hamming it up with her crew of equally fluffy siblings. I was there to get cat food and rat snacks. Saw puppies. Missed my dead puppy (RIP LEONARD) so decided to use my special privilege as someone who knows everybody in the animal world to hold a puppy.

Got a puppy.

Was told "Yeah you take her tonight" after the fact

Speed-purchased puppy gear.

Basically did everything I have professionally told others not to do.

Originally named Annie but my heart disagreed.

Realized halfway home that she is probably a Petunia.

Confirmed once home that she is both a Petunia and a Baby Satan

I sleep in one corner and complain about my back hurting

Last night The Hound slept on my head while Baby Satan cushioned her head on my legs and I had Barracuda and Goosetopher sleeping under the covers as my wee little spoons

Fellas I have a single bed

it's the smallest bed one can purchase if one is not a toddler

Honestly the only thing separating it from a racecar bed is wheels

EXPLAIN WHY IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY I HAVE LITTLE GIGGLE FITS LIKE A CHILD AT 2 AM BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY ANIMALS CUDDLING ME AT THE SAME TIME

Fellas I made the dog an Instagram

I have too many pictures of her and I feel bad for flooding The Hound's friends with pictures of her so I guess if you're a big Baby Satan fan you should go to her Insta because I'm gonna be posting all her baby pictures and also her current adventures

The Hound is glad to get her off his subreddit tbh

BITCH

MAYBE

IF YOU DON'T WANT THE PUPPY TO TOUCH YOU

DO NOT LAY

IN THE PUPPY'S BED

LIKE A GIGANTIC 1960S

SPACESHIP SHAPED

PICNIC SAUSAGE

MAYBE DO NOT MOCK THE PUPPY

UNTIL SHE EATS YOU

AND GETS OFF BY PLEADING INSANITY

THE JUDGE WOULD BE LIKE

"yeah no that tracks"

He has no leg in this race

He's got a leg up on the competition

He saves 50% on pants

His favorite LOTR character is Legolas

Goosetopher Jones: Most Handsome Prince by decree of Everybody

Was it a long nap? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

But by God both of them were unconscious for at least ten minutes while touching each other, and I think we all need to collectively applaud The Hound's demonstration of restraint.

He woke up and promptly smacked the glorious shit out of Baby Satan, and all was right again in the world.

I'm beginning to realize that the cats are dramatic bitches, but also are very much willing participants of their own torture. When I redirect Baby Satan to something less stabby, The Hound will inevitably show up in that new area within five minutes, usually acting like he had some other urgent business that brought him to the area.

Last night Baby Satan was outside having a delightful time recreating the running of the bulls with the neighbor's toddler, who was alarmingly happy to be trampled by a cotton ball going Mach 2.

I tell you this because The Hound spent the entire time in the window, weeping like a Victorian widow because his baby was not looking at him or trying to eat his ears/whiskers/tail. He had his paw laid gently against the window screen, and I heard him on the phone with Sarah McLachlan herself.

Then Toody came back inside and The Hound immediately punched her square in the nose SO I MEAN THE MIXED SIGNALS ARE REAL

Vacation is over

Work is a thing again and I'm honestly ready to be somewhere that is not home.

I just spent a week listening to Baby Satan drive Barracuda clinically insane with a neverending game of I'M NOT TOUCHING YOU because Cuda doesn't understand when she's being rage-baited

or maybe she just doesn't care

I don't know

If I didn't expect the humane services to be called I would record the histrionics that Barracuda gets up to when even remotely threatened with being touched by the small devil in her domicile.

She does not just meow. She shrieks. She yowls. She lays on her side and screams like a wounded Puma.

Does she walk away? Does she seek shelter in one of the countless places a puppy cannot access? Does she even attempt to swat at the object of her annoyance?

Absolutely not. She stays where the fuck she is and screams even louder because she can feel Baby Satan thinking about touching her. Then she yowls at me for telling her to go sit somewhere that isn't directly in front of the source of her rage.

Anyway The Hound had a great vacation.

LISTEN

LISTEN AT LEAST IT'S JUST AESTHETIC

SHE'S BUSINESS ON TOP AND A PARTY DOWN BELOW

I had two tubey treats worth of time to get the first pass done before all hope was lost

Now I've got the cat version of Weird Barbie and honestly she seems to be living for it

plus she ain't got no mats now 🤟

Quick everybody tell him how perfectly quaint and idyllic he looks with his sunhat on

He might need a bigger size but at least it's a start and his eyebrows are on their way to being protected from the sun

Normal people are shopping for Mother's Day and here I am putting guinea pig sized straw hats on my retired streetfighter of a cat

Srsly though he needs a hat for summer strolls

or sunglasses and sunscreen

I honestly do not expect The Hound to care more or less about either option. He does what the public demands and has a good time regardless

Not pictured are at least 4 grown ass women cooing at him over my shoulder which was the only reason he was willing to be seen with this atrocity on his head.

I cannot exaggerate how many times a day I have to tell one of them to fuck off back to their other gigantic bed because they're clearly unwanted.

The Hound is just as guilty as Toody, and I can't cover for him any longer

He will make a point to get up and stretch ever so languidly before sauntering on over to whatever bed she has claimed for herself and just laying in the middle of it no matter how annoying she is.

He might look aggravated but the truth is, he's making a very conscious choice to be aggravated

Dudio Coolguy likes things that are cool to like

Dudio Coolguy will not specify what those things are, as anyone who is cool will already know

I cannot accurately describe the raw chaos of my living room right now as I attempt to do art commissions that were due three months ago

The Hound knows that Toody likes her new bed, so he is camping there whenever possible with the smuggest little shit-eating expression on his face because he knows damn well what he's doing.

He was utterly devastated when I took Toody's side and forced him to go sleep on one of his own (half dozen) beds and took a real swing at me for the first time in about six months.

It did nothing, but he knows it hurt my feelings so he followed it up with a hiss

at me

his angel of music

his earthly muse

his most beloved one and only special mumsy

He is now sleeping under my bedcovers because he's in his feelings and his cough is making a return visit and the only thing that might have cured it was the puppy's new bed so basically if he dies you all know why

Dink is blonde and full of RAGE

Donk is black and white and also full of RAGE

Adopted from a petstore last year and currently living in a ratty mansion on my TV stand.

Dink&Donk assume I am the reason that bad things happen in life.

Their dislike of me is personal and at this point I don't even mind because it seems to give them a sick kind of joy to hate on me.

Having worked with rats professionally for years now, the (SECOND) worst bite I have ever received was from Dink, who was deeply disturbed by my creeping phalanges around his nest of the week.

Petstore rats are built different fellas - get them from a breeder if you want cuddle buddies, get them from a box store if you want the discount sewer brand.

No hate to box store staff - it ain't their choice to stock these rage machines and they already get the shit end of the stick when these MF go home and maul kiddy fingers.

Theoretically I could probably handle Dink&Donk more, but given the amount of predatory species in my household, they are much less stressed out when their cage is shut and they have extra snacks 🤟

She said it's quite nice

The Iron Bank Of Hound may or may not have loaned her a small sum to purchase her new mattress and he may or may not have tacked on an absurd interest rate

Toodles Patoodles doesn't even know what she agreed to she doesn't even know what money is

she assumes we just go to stores and her friends give her free things

She only wants to poop if there's a gentle lapping of cold water against her butthole

Has taken to sitting on every bench we pass, because strangers like to pet her when she's pretending to be people.

An attention whore who will always repeat a behavior that brought some form of outside affection.

Did you know I went to the pet store today to get rat stuff and three different employees demanded to know where Toody was. Like visibly disappointed that I was there with another human and not my leashed Jim Henson collectible.

I have been calling Baby Satan Grover in the same way you might call your bestie a bitch when she's being a bitch

EDIT BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE WEIRDLY UPSET:

No, it is NOT good to allow any domestic animal to shit in a river. I think we all, as adult human beings, probably realize this.

I crack jokes in these posts and try to not dive too far into the backend of training and redirection and the steps to avoid future incidents of woopsy-doodles in the rivers of our glorious Northern country.

So, friends and neighbors, even if it seems like I'm being a silly goose about these things, understand that I am also a seasoned professional in all things dog - behind the chuckles, there is a plan in place to hopefully limit Toody having doodies in running water WITHOUT fully restricting her from exploring her environment during a sensitive part of her development when outright restriction could lead to her becoming water-averse.

She would like to report a CRIME, jesus

A BIG ONE

She would like all parties sentenced to a thousand years in PRISON

She loves the pet store and everybody KNOWS she loves the petstore and she wasn't even INVITED

In this economy?

In 2026?

In a free country?

PRISON, LORDE

PRISON FOR A THOUSAND YEARS

We did not like Michael's

The Hound decided that he did not want to partake in more capitalism today, thank you, and left the carriage multiple times to seek out elderly women to woo

The Hound has earned many adverbs in his life, but fast is not one of them, so he is not a very hard man to catch. He is built like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers.

It's a good workout though. If you don't really need your dignity. So at least I'm gonna be ripped by summer at this rate.

anyway this was the moment when The Hound realized he was going to have to unleash The Claws if I did not turn the fucking stroller around right now