r/The_Hound

It's very important that one stretches before and after this kind of demanding exercise

The Hound recommends a daily Pilates class (YouTube instructionals are fine if you're a PEASANT) and a list of daily affirmations that he would be happy to write out for you

The joy is not in the chase but in the kill - anyone who says otherwise is saying it because they are pathetic hunters who cannot subdue their prey

If murder is not available, please punch your nearest Barracuda as a consolation prize

also ft some Goosetopher moves because he is a beast who will do backflips for a feather toy any day of the week

not for Barracuda because she finds strings in sticks very scary because I accidentally smacked her with a stick when she was tiny and trying to play with the older cats. I am a disgrace and I was placed in bitch baby jail for my crimes

SO GREG

I have kept something from you

The Hound gets the zoomies and I have never gotten camera footage because it's always at the crack of dawn when reasonable creatures are asleep

Usually he unleashes these feats of maximum energy on the corner of the couch, which is always an excellent target, given its general lack of sentience and altogether slow (maybe even lumbering) disposition

This morning, however, we were all blessed because I was not only conscious, but almost in full control of my faculties, so I was able to entice the old man with one of Goose's favorite string-and-stick toys

He basically blacked out and reverted to his feral form

ANYWAY HERE'S JUST ONE OF MANY PICTURES

Toodles McDoodles loves some bloobs

hah

I hope you're new here and this is the most confused you've been this week, greg

I'm sorry for this photo of overgrown grass

I was confused and thought I saw a panther but it was clearly a shadow

the hound is sometimes invisible and that is why I became so darn bamboozled

as you can see there are no antiquities to be seen in the yard at this time

THIS MAN IS PUFFED

AND FLUFFED

AND POSITIVELY CHUFFED

He preemptively flew down to the peanut bar before the goods were available and Toody came out instead of me, The Peanut Woman.

Barney was flabbergasted as one might expect

If he had been drinking a cup of water he would have done a spit take

so anyway now he's back on the fence and he is doing the peanut dance and squawrking to himself very happily

And yet his eyes are so easty-westy that he also belongs in a sewer drain, floating under a bunch of red balloons with a v uncomfortable looking clown hand feeding him tube treats

Because we all know who would win that fight

The Hound knows no fear and thus would render the clown powerless before the unforgiving mass of his impenetrable confidence

The Hound is beyond mere eldritch horror

he is a kind of immortal, universal dread

he's the reason you get all wiggly with the nopes when you start walking down a forest path in the dark and it gets that rancid vibe

the Hound is The Vibe

Weekly GoFundMe link that you do not need to click unless you want to but no pressure Greg I love you regardless

OH AND IF YOU READ THIS FAR (hi greg) LET ME KNOW ANY FUNNY QUOTES THAT WOULD MAKE FOR A NEAT STICKER or something idk I'm still batting at the merch thing like Cuda vs a Christmas ribbon

this fucking cat bys

this fucking cat

not only does she yearn to sleep in the bedroom, but she wants to be in any available human arms for the entire night.

she does not want to sleep on a pillow next to my head, gently pat-patting my hair now and then to confirm my continued existence

she does not want to sleep behind my knees where my pulse can be checked at regular intervals

no

Barracuda needs to be in your arms and held with the same ferocity you might see in a championship football game in Arkansas. She wants to be the football of your dreams. She yearns for the feeling of being semi-strangled throughout the night by the merciless grip of a third-stage-evolution Chimpanzee

she also likes to have a hand available to cover her face, because she likes the pressure of fingers pressing on her eyelids????

idk I don't even question it anymore

wait until this winter when she gets very intense about sleeping beneath the thick blankies with even more forceful cuddling to remind her of her own mortality

They were minding their own goddamn business in their little hole on the siding and then along came this absolute unit and his leg envy

so he ATE THEM

the end

It took him a few hours to realize that I didn't actually leave after feeding everyone

he came in to presumably visit Toody and I was doing art in bed like a dignified adult

and he made a weird happy little squawrk and immediately yeeted himself into my arms like this was a reunification scene from a 90s drama. I'm pretty sure ocean waves were crashing behind us the whole time.

so anyway now I guess I'm taking a nap because The Hound is occupying my art limbs

Note the enormous drool strands this man is capable of producing when he feels joy for the first time since 'Nam

and then along comes BARRAFUCKINCUDA

she assumes that she is invisible if she goes slow enough because she believes all large mammals operate under Jurassic Park biology

you can literally hear her thinking the Mission Impossible theme song while she's creeping closer and closer

then, near the end, you can see the moment she realizes she's been made and just commits to getting love one way or another by plowing in for a head bump

but you know what at least Toody slept through it

The Hound takes his cuddle time v seriously now that he is retired

There is no distracting him from the snuggles despite Toody and Cuda both giving it a v earnest effort

Also that piano is from when I was like 2 so that thing is like 33 years old and now it just hangs out under my second bedroom coffee table.

Why are there two coffee tables in the bedroom, Susan? I hear you ask.

It's because I have lost all control in my life and my decisions are dictated 98% of the time by what is most practical from an animal care and damage deposit standpoint

So I have two bedroom coffee tables now because Petunia enjoys chewing on them and the wood is actually a really nice texture for chewing so I just let her gnaw on those and it all makes sense in my lizard animal husbandry brain

It looks insane, but it works. Which is the most ridiculous part of this whole debacle.

This Temu version of His Imperial Majesty has never displayed a single nip nop. His jowls be jowlin though

like what's even the point

why even go for a walky walk

if u don't piss in the river

the stream flows in u

it's called urine

as in

it urines to rejoin the rest of the ocean

she saw a labrador that didn't even dip his toe beans despite having plenty of leash to do so

it was goddamn disgusting

disgraceful even

this is what her tax dollars go into?

labs who don't even do a little paddle?

toody can't believe this is the state of our world

The crows were watching him and laughing this morning

I mean I'm 99% sure they were deadass laughing based on the chattering and how utterly indignant The Hound looked as he tried to pick his way through the damp grass without getting his nip nops moistened

Then I showed up with a camera and I saw his soul actually leave his body

The crows were hooping and hollering even louder at this point

Barney was fully inflated and looked like a domestic turkey roosting in a pine tree doing the line dance to Cotton Eyed Joe

The Hound turned around on the spot and took his ass back inside. He took his puppy with him too.

Which then left me alone in the backyard in my jammies at 6:30 am, surrounded by very excited crows, including one that looks like somebody stuck a tire compressor in his beak and pumped him up.

Naturally that is when my neighbor came out for his morning smoke, and I have never seen a man make such an accurate Clint Eastwood impression without trying

taking a break between bouts of felony offences

Donk is as dumb as Toody but is marginally bigger than Dink and somehow it works out just right that he's too dumb to threaten Dink but objectively too large to commit an assault

So Donk gets to use Dink as a pillow for napping, and Dink gets the Pinky to his Brain

Donk is basically the middle man in this relationship. He likes me much more than Dink does, so I always have to give Donk new snacks first so he can report back to Dink about how delicious it is.

like a royal taster except rats

he craves dog meat but for now he will settle for peanut butter

Dink does not like cage cleaning days because he is very defensive of his boudoir. He has it arranged in a very specific way and whenever I do a clean-up, I end up throwing away what is possibly ratty Banksy art

So I bring peace offerings to soothe his old man rage

did this stop him from acting like a grief-stricken Victorian maid as I extracted his trash idolatry? No, but he panicked with a delicious peanut butter moustache to get him through.

He didn't know you could like being wrong, Greg

The Hound has seen the face of stupid

and it is both owlish and foxish

which makes it an even sicker cosmic joke that Toody has, clinically speaking, never formed a thought before

The Hound watched Toodles walk into the same pole twice because she turned around to avoid hitting the pole again, which caused her to run into it from the opposite side

The Hound has had to explain to Toody that the sun is not a very small tennis ball that Susan threw too hard in the Dark Times

Until last week, Toody assumed that night time was a strictly indoor event, controlled by the Great Alexa Beast, which answers only to Susan and is able to turn off all lights, including the sun

My girl doing her best imitation of the Hound

here he prepares mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even cosmically to strengthen his core muscles, which veterinarians suspect may be the substance modern concrete is modeled after.

As a multitasker, you can see that The Hound is also taking this time to contemplate the rapidly approaching heat death of the universe and his inevitable role in it. When his enormous girth finally reaches infinite mass and ends reality as it is known.

Or mb he's thinking about what kind of job he could have had if he didn't dedicate his life to being a delinquent

a dentist maybe?

king of earth, persnaps?