I think I have a crush on my close friend [F 15]
I've wondered if I liked girls for a long time. I've just had no way to confirm it because I'm really shy and no one has told me they liked me since I was 8. It's messing with my head.
About 8-9 months ago I was at a cafe with some of my friends. I look over at her and I felt weirdly attracted to her, like I got butterflies and couldn't stop staring. My brain was like saying "yeah that's attractive" and I brushed it off as just thinking she looked pretty or something.
A few weeks after I'm with her and some friends and she says to me "I had a dream last night that you had a crush on me" and my heart dropped to my fucking stomach. I remember consciously trying to seem like that was a bizarre idea for me, I laughed weirdly and I bet I was blushing like crazy, it was so unconvincing and I don't know if that means something, I just feel like if I didn't like her like that, I wouldn't feel such a strong need to convince everyone around me that I was weirded out by the idea. I bet all of my friends were suspicious, and honestly, I would be too if I was them.
Fast forward to today, I see her every couple of weeks, and recently I was so anxious around her that I couldn't look her in the eye, it was that serious. I get butterflies when she smiles. I know she's queer. If what I'm feeling is real it's the most down bad I've ever been for anyone, definitely more than any boy I've had a crush on. I dream about her a lot now, my heart is pounding just thinking about everything. I'm gonna throw up lmao
I'm terrified because I'm scared that if I come out as bi it'll end up that I was wrong the whole time and that would be so scary for me. What if I'm just overthinking this? what if it's just that I think she's pretty and nothing more? Am I gaslighting myself?
Is this a crush, am I bi and what do I do about it? God help me