u/whydouwannaknow

I'm in my early 30s and have been married for over a decade. My husband ("Mark") and I met through church when I was 16. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first sexual partner—everything. We got married young believing we'd spend the rest of our lives together.
I'm currently staying with my mom because I recently told him I want to separate. Some days I feel relief. Other days I feel overwhelming fear that I'm throwing away a marriage that could have been saved.
I'm posting because I genuinely don't know whether my marriage is repairable or whether I'm emotionally finished.
One thing I've realized recently is that I spent most of my marriage adapting to my husband instead of asking myself what I actually wanted.
For years he wanted us to get into swinging. I repeatedly said no. Eventually I agreed because I loved him and thought maybe I was just being too closed-minded. Looking back, I regret that decision. I know nobody forced me—I made my own decision—but I also struggle with the fact that someone who loved me kept asking until I eventually gave in.
Our sexual relationship was confusing for me from very early on.
My husband watched a lot of pornography growing up and has admitted that it shaped many of his ideas about sex. During our marriage he would sometimes masturbate beside me while I was asleep. It wasn't that I felt unwanted—I just never really understood why he chose that instead of sharing intimacy with me.
The truth is that I rarely wanted sex anyway because I didn't feel like my experience mattered very much. Most of the time it felt like he wanted to move straight to intercourse without taking much interest in what I enjoyed. Over the years I gradually lost interest in sex because it often felt centered around his experience rather than ours.
Our sex life also became increasingly confusing.
He often talked about fantasies involving another man having sex with me. During sex he sometimes wanted to write degrading words like "sl*t" on my body with a marker. At the time I went along with these things because I thought being a loving wife meant accepting his fantasies, even when I wasn't sure how I felt about them myself.
The thing that has become hardest to process happened online.
Without my knowledge, he sent nude photos of me to strangers on apps multiple times. He also uploaded my pictures to online communities where men would use them sexually ("tribute" groups). Every time I found out, he apologized, cried, promised it would never happen again, and I forgave him.
Looking back now, I don't know why I accepted it.
Eventually, before I met the other man in this story, I had sex with two different men without my husband present.
I know many people will immediately call that cheating, and I'm not trying to avoid responsibility for my choices.
The reason I'm mentioning it is because for years my husband had told me how much the idea of another man having sex with me turned him on. Eventually he also told me not to actually do it, but after years of hearing those fantasies, I genuinely didn't process the situation the same way he did. Looking back, I think our sexual boundaries had become so blurred that I honestly didn't know what was fantasy anymore and what wasn't.
Outside of sex, there were other issues that slowly built up over the years.
My husband could become physically intimidating during arguments. He never hit me, but years ago I woke him because he was snoring and he punched a hole in our headboard. During other arguments he threw things across the room. On another occasion I left the bedroom because I wanted space after an argument, and instead of giving me that space, he followed me into another room while I repeatedly asked him to leave me alone.
Those moments made me stop feeling emotionally safe around conflict.
There were also many smaller things that built up over time.
His snoring often kept me awake, but he became upset if I wanted to sleep somewhere else for a night. He didn't like the idea of separate blankets. His family was extremely important to him, and I often felt they came before me. We regularly spent time with them even when I didn't really want to.
This past year I moved away from my own support system so he could work in a business with his uncle. We now have more debt than before, and although he's very ambitious financially, I honestly don't feel more financially secure because of the move. Meanwhile, I've consistently worked toward my own career, but I often feel like my goals have taken second place to his.
The biggest realization I've had recently is that I don't think I trust him to naturally protect my well-being. Throughout our marriage I felt like I was the one expected to adapt.
The reason all of this has become so complicated is because, through swinging, we became close friends with another couple.
I'll call the husband "Daniel."
Over time I developed feelings for him.
What surprised me wasn't just the attraction.
It was how easy it felt to simply spend time with him.
Conversation felt effortless.
He listened carefully.
He remembered little things I'd told him.
He seemed genuinely interested in how I experienced the world.
When we became intimate, he took time to understand what I enjoyed instead of assuming. For the first time in my life, I felt like someone cared just as much about my experience as their own. Even now, I miss talking to him as much as I miss being physically close to him.
At the same time, I'm trying to stay grounded.
Daniel is separated from his wife, but they aren't divorced. I know our relationship hasn't been tested by everyday life, shared finances, years of routine, resentment, or long-term stress.
I know it's possible that because my marriage has become so painful, Daniel represents emotional relief as much as genuine compatibility.
But I also can't ignore how different I feel around him.
I feel calmer.
I feel heard.
I don't feel like I have to constantly explain or defend my needs.
Now I'm left wondering whether those feelings simply highlight everything that was missing in my marriage.
I've also changed a lot as a person over the years. I no longer believe Christianity is true, while my husband has gone through periods of being deeply religious, then embracing lifestyles that completely contradicted those beliefs, and then returning to Christianity again. Sometimes I feel like I don't even know who he really is anymore.
Right now I feel stuck between two fears.
One fear is that I'm idealizing another man because my marriage became emotionally exhausting.
The other fear is that if I go back, I'll spend another decade ignoring my own needs because I'm afraid of starting over.
So I guess my question is:
If you were reading this as a complete stranger, would you think this marriage sounds repairable?
Or does it sound like someone who has slowly realized over many years that she was over-adapting and no longer wants the life she's been living?
I'm genuinely looking for honest opinions, even if they're hard to hear. I know I'm emotionally involved, and I want perspectives from people who have lived through something similar.

Edit:
Thank you all already. It’s nice to feel I’m not crazy and ungrateful. The only problem is that I haven’t really lived alone ever, and while I have a career (teacher) I’m currently doing my masters scheduled to finish in December and I feel that I am scared to live on my own and not sure where to start
Soo.. in a way my husband is providing financially but the rest is sh*t

Edit #2
Currently while I’ve been gone he’s back into being a Church boy and keeps saying how I’m the one hurting him when I bring up the past issues and can’t move on from them …