u/wintercat26

For context, I’ve spent a good chunk of my life desiring friendship. I have had multiple, years long (5+) friendships with people, but it all falls apart and ends when I realize the friendship is actually superficial, and the feelings of closeness are not reciprocated. Either that, or the other person confesses that they always saw me as weird, boring, unstable, and only years down the line I hit some final straw and they stop wanting to be my friend. Or they just ghost me completely!

In my last “friendship” that lasted five years, I realized that the other person’s behavior towards me all this time was actually very hurtful (degrading my looks and ethnicity in the form of “banter”). When I confronted them about this, they just stopped responding to my messages completely. No apology or closure.

So, is there something in my chart that points to having years long friendships that feel stable at first, but end abruptly? Is there anything in my chart pointing to actual, long lasting, and fulfilling relationships that don’t end? Curious to hear what others think!

I find myself awaken again to the fact I’ve “lived” five years of doing absolutely nothing.

Ive pretended each day that I’m conscious and living with intention, but the fact is, does anyone willingly choose to spend years laying in bed, scrolling on their phone 12+ hours a day, not eating, not drinking, not speaking to anyone?

I try to think about what happened to me, but I immediately get a wave of dissociation stopping me. I try to look up trauma therapists, but cannot for the life of me write an email or call them on the phone. There’s an invisible dissociative force that just prevents me from talking or thinking about anything that’s happened to me.

Earlier this week I actually (somehow) climbed out of freeze/collapse, got a hair cut, walked around the city, and ate three filling meals. That was probably the most “alive” ive felt this whole time. But at the end of the day, I still felt the weight of overwhelming sadness and trauma inside me. I’ve been sleeping all of this week since to recover.

I feel the dissociative wave quite a bit after writing that. Like something desperately wanting the acknowledgment of this to stop. I can’t write anymore. It doesn’t want me to post anything. Why? :(

What in my chart shows me constantly ending years long friendships?

I have done nothing for five years. I can’t speak or think about it.