I need some advice with this...
Recently I've been struggling with my trans identity because of religious reasons... I accepted the fact I was trans about a year ago because I thought I was gonna die soon, and I figured nothing would really change but how I viewed myself if I were a man instead of a woman. But I survived and I'm still alive, I didn't plan for this... I was genuinely so scared but so happy when I accepted myself, I finally started looking at myself in the mirror and wishing for more change and growth. Being trans, or rather being more male/masculine, does genuinely make me happy. I feel like a person now, not something less than human like how I was raised (I have a lot of childhood trauma)...
The issue is, is that no one really accepts me... My best friend is amazing and she still uses he/him pronouns, but she's told me that she feels guilty for me because I'm trans. It makes her upset. Ive asked her before how she'd feel if I went on t and, I have memory problems (that I guess I don't pay attention very well?), so I don't remember what she said but I think it was "she can't stop me and she'll always love me, but she doesn't want me to" (I think). I also asked her how she thinks God would feel about it, if He hates me or not. She said that He doesn't hate me but He'd rather not be trans...
And thats the big issue. I don't want to upset God... I don't want to go to hell... I'm supposed to love Him... I don't understand why being trans is a sin, I want that explained to me. I'm not sure if He supports me. I obviously need to follow Him if I want His love but I feel like I need to cut my "transness" out of myself to be better and to be with Him. "Take up your cross and follow Me", and being trans means it's my cross to bear...? Thats what my mom would probably say
..
is that I also have to wonder if this is just a trauma response? I grew up in a space where men had everything. They were loved more, given more grace, but was told they had to be more responsible for the household (my father was never responsible, ironically he acted more like a whiny woman or a child having a tantrum than an adult or man). I was taught to be quiet, keep my head down, never to say "no", when I get married, I should never say no to sex because "you never know how petty he is, he can punish you for it". I was yelled/screamed at, called slow, my father would make sexual comments or even touch me, in front of my mother and she'd still go "he's just completing you, don't worry about it" and I could say and do nothing... I hated it. I hated being their doll, something less than human.
I understand that being a woman doesn't mean that you have to be a doll, to be obedient and nearly unemotional because "it's a burden"
Ironically after accepting myself as transmasc, I started to realize how beautiful and wonderful women are. Genuinely, theyre incredible! They aren't just babies machines or something to please others. I'm starting to think theyre the "better sex" and God had to nerf them with periods lol
Another ironic thing is that after accepting myself, I realized I feel not as much resistance to God than when I was a girl. I wanna go towards Him more and actually learn Him... It seems the God I was raised with is a different God than who He actually is... I don't know, I have to read the Bible more. Either way I like the message to live with Love and Compassion and I'm gonna do that regardless I'm a follower of Christ or not
But when applying womanhood and femininity to myself... I hate it... It's almost disgusting... I hate myself. I hate having this internal conflict... I just want to be happy and accept myself. I want to be a person. I want to find and be me
But I feel like I cant be if Im going to be with God
This has been on my mind for awhile and I just woke up from a dream about it. In the dream my mom found me at a queer convention or something and I don't remember much but she seemed just disappointed and took me to a pastor. I told her I was trans and seemed surprised a little. Yknow how in a dream one part sticks out more than others? Well one part I remember more any of it was when I told her I was trans and she said "Wow, I thought you were fighting the boss at my word, not at your front door". Which I think means I thought you were only listening to my preaching because you had to, not fighting it internally... Somehow... I dunno
Sorry for this incredibly long rant/vent. I don't have anyone to really talk to about this besides my bff. And I don't have money or means to a therapist yet (although thats on my to do list)
Thank you for reading and I hope you have a good day ❤️🩹
(also let me know where else to post this cuz I dunno what I'm doing)