Grieving the Living
Just need to vent.
My Q is my ex-boyfriend. We were together on and off for 3 years. His health and life have deteriorated. He ignores his extreme health issues. He started dealing his DOC, heroin (aka fentynol, since H doesn't really exist anymore...). This resulted in me trying to bend reality to make him change. Crying on the street NYC when meets me for a movie and he's high. Blowing up his phone because I think he's dead. Drowning him in my anxiety, pain, and rage. I thought this would help, and it has only pushed him away more.
I spent my birthday weekend crying my eyes out because he was nowhere to be found. The one person in my life who did not try to plan anything. When I finally saw him a few days later, he was nodding out real bad. I broke up with him. Two days later, he texted me "is today your birthday?" as if nothing happened. Which is so sad that it is, indeed, funny.
The past few weeks have been brutal, particularly because I do love him. I struggle to not answer his texts. Every day he sends me the saddest song he can think of. Calls me beautiful. Then, says I am being dramatic. That "everyone's relationship is on the rocks sometimes". The denial goes craaaazzzy.
Though I haven't been attending for long, I know the program is working, because when he texts me that shit, I don't have the gut punch and immediate reaction I used to have. I see it for what it is.
Another new feeling is devasting grief. Grief for a person who is living, and what may happen to him. Grief for the life I tried to force into reality, to obviously no avail. Grief for the relationship. Grief for his mother, brother, and sister. I keep crying at work. I keep writing him letters that I don't send. He sends me more songs. He says he misses me. Yada yada yada. I do not really want to block him because I like to know he is alive and still connected to me, even if I don't respond. I'd like to think that he interprets my read receipts as "I love you, I forgive you, I forgive me, but I need space to clear my head".
It breaks my heart to be apart from him. He has shown me love like no other partner. All he wants to do is hold me, call me pretty, spend time with me... and smoke heroin.
I have recently had the realization that the dynamic between the addict and their loved ones is like one of those stupid "Chinese finger traps". The more you try to force them to change, the more stuck they get. The more they pull away. I am so scared to interact with him at all, that I will make his addiction worse. That I will spiral and lose the thread of my own life. I will be damned if I become an excuse for him to use.
I am really struggling to find a sponsor. I want to work the 12-steps. But it seems nearly impossible.
I guess that is all to say, right now I just have to sit in the stink. Thanks for reading.