Or don't.
Really. It's okay if you don't say it back.
I have realized it doesn't change anything. Not even a little. Not even a lot.
I love you.
I'm waiting.
Gosh. I'm a mess aren't I?
I really am just trying to figure it out one day at a time. You don't need to know much it hurts. I can deal with that on my own, right?
So.. that's okay. You don't have to say it back.
But I do.
I love you.
I cannot reach you. I cannot reach anyone. Not even myself.
I guess. Okay.
That's where I am at now and I have to deal with that.
I don't have people the way you do.
Thats okay.
I don't really have.. anything I guess?
I don't know. I hope you're doing better without me than I am with you.
It seems like you are. I am happy for you.
Okay.
I guess.
I don't really know anything anymore.
Is there something I don't know?
A way to make this work? Its okay. You can tell me if there is. Or even if there isn't. You can tell me anything.
Please. Just tell me something?
We will be okay right?
I don't think there's a world where i can stay away from you. Not really. Not actually.
So tell me?
Is there something I don't know?
Look for me again
Maybe I am still here
It takes more and more from me each day not break and reach for you.
What if I do, and I don't like the answer I recieve?
I keep thinking about if you truly intend to follow through with what you kept promising to me.
I wonder about how much of your promises are lies by means of omission. I wonder what your life will look like 6 months from now. Did you really mean all the things you said?
I know none of it is my business anymore. And I guess when I leave this place, I suppose I will have my answer. I don't know if that me will even want the answers anymore.
But present me is barely able to hold myself together at all. I feel paralyzed by the thought of you. I am not asking the universe to teach me to let you go, I know that simply isn't an option. Just.. please. Soften the agony that comes along with a love that will never be. Balance the sorrow that threatens to overwhelm me.
I get it, okay? This is my punishment for holding on. For refusing to let go.
So... I guess the only option I have left is to somehow get stronger.
So that I may continue to carry the weight of this love without losing myself in the process.
Because I am starting to realize that none of it really matters. It doesn't matter if you keep your promises. It doesn't matter if I never get the answers.
I will still bare the responsibility of figuring out how to hold onto this love that I refuse to let go of.
\~\\ Even in my journey to sobtiety, I have never been faced with such a harrowing experience of desperately negotiating with my mind and heart to not reach out for you.
I am not okay.
I suppose I just need to work on my Self Control.
Part of me is relieved, you know?
I kept looking for signs that at least some part of you saw me as a real person.
I tried so many ways to explain it to you, but none of it got through.
I don't know what path exists to ever reconcile that. I wish you luck on your journey to "be the right version of yourself for your ultimate destination in love".
It is quite unfortunate that in the moment you said that, I realized what I was to you.
\- I realized that your love was not meant for me.
Thank you for never giving me the things I needed from you.
Thank you for allowing me to realize that you did not see me as your ultimate destination of love. Now it makes sense why you either couldn't or wouldn't ever love me the way I needed you too.
All I wanted was for you to see me.