u/xpmineman1234

Well i want is you to give this story a chance(short story) and give your honest opinion. Even if you drop the story thinking it's too boring, you can send the last chapter you read before you left.

general questions I'm asking is you is

1. what part was exciting
2. what part felt lame and a drag
3. what part felt confusing
4. and logic gaps

you can just list out the problems in the story and how you felt about it. like
did i describe to little or too much,
was the chapter too long or short
was the pace good or bad..etc...

Also i want to know for the non chess players,

does this make sense to you. and what is the thing that floods in to your head. or does it feel like 'wtf is going on'

btw never seed 'the queens gambit' series so just to point out.

>!why did you click me, why!<

Well i want is you to give this story a chance(short story) and give your honest opinion. Even if you drop the story thinking it's too boring, you can send the last chapter you read before you left.

general questions I'm asking is you is

1. what part was exciting
2. what part felt lame and a drag
3. what part felt confusing
4. and logic gaps

you can just list out the problems in the story and how you felt about it. like
did i describe to little or too much,
was the chapter too long or short
was the pace good or bad..etc...

Also i want to know for the non chess players,

does this make sense to you. and what is the thing that floods in to your head. or does it feel like 'wtf is going on'

btw never seed 'the queens gambit' series so just to point out.

>!why did you click me, why!<

Well i want is you to give this story a chance(short story) and give your honest opinion. Even if you drop the story thinking it's too boring, you can send the last chapter you read before you left.

general questions I'm asking is you is

1. what part was exciting
2. what part felt lame and a drag
3. what part felt confusing
4. and logic gaps

you can just list out the problems in the story and how you felt about it. like
did i describe to little or too much,
was the chapter too long or short
was the pace good or bad..etc...

Also i want to know for the non chess players,

does this make sense to you. and what is the thing that floods in to your head. or does it feel like 'wtf is going on'

btw never seed 'the queens gambit' series so just to point out.

>!why did you click me, why!<

First thing I'm not a native English speaker. So my Sentence flow and such and Clarity maybe BAD.

Well i want is you to give this story a chance(short story) and give your honest opinion. Even if you drop the story thinking it's too boring, you can send the last chapter you read before you left.

general questions I'm asking is you is

1. what part was exciting
2. what part felt lame and a drag
3. what part felt confusing
4. and logic gaps

you can just list out the problems in the story and how you felt about it. like
did i describe to little or too much,
was the chapter too long or short
was the pace good or bad..etc...

and idk how to send things to reddit. well hopefully i didn't break any rules and the remaining last Chapter 7 is below if you want to read.

Chapter 7 — [20-year-old]

Head feels foggy. Saw my sister tapping on my hand.

“Hey, hey, hey,” she said.

“HEY!” Nico yelled in my ear.

I fell from my chair, cracking my butt in the process. Ankle twisted a bit.

Groggily said, “What the hell?”

“I have a surprise for you,” he said, speeding his arm around the room like an eagle.

Thankfully, no one is around the post office.

“Not in the mood—”

“No, none of that crap,” he cuts me off.

“Shut up,” I said, stroking my rabbit hide bracelet.

Gazed at it, took it off, and shoved it inside my pocket.

I rarely think of my sis. Sadly, I remember the month I left her, June. Like clockwork, that month feels like bad luck.

Should move on. Not hearing from her. She’s good as dead…

…I killed her.

Contradictory, the month of June is when the civil war finally stopped. The celebrations of my country’s victory usually drown my thoughts with uncanny happiness.

The bastard who killed Mom, who ruined so much, finally gone.

I finally learned how to read the newspaper with the help of Neko.

The dumbass war ended two years ago.

For 12 years of war, it felt like a never-ending nightmare that dragged on.

Nico edged back, yet he smiled brightly. Usually, he keeps away from me for a good five minutes before coming back, forgetting whatever happened, but he only came closer.

“Alright, you’re scaring me,” I said, awkwardly smiling.

“Anny Oltman,” he whispered to me.

My blood boiled. Grabbed him by the collar.

“Why the hell bring up her? Wait.”

“Yep, she’s…well, I tracked her address. Do whatever. I don’t care,” he said while giving me a paper written with the address.

I thought she died. That made me feel at ease.

Hated myself for it. Couldn’t bear how I’ll speak.

Heart raced holding onto the paper. Stomach turned. Felt as if there was a hole in the chest, the feeling you get when underwater.

Ambled toward Nico.

Scared, he tried to run, but I grabbed him and hugged him.

“Oh crap, uhhh,” he was lost in his words.

Later that day, I went to the train station, almost noon. Said my leave to Nico and sat in the compartment. He waved like there was a bee near him.

Marsouth town, 50 km away.

What the hell am I supposed to say to her?

“Hey there, remember me?”

No, that’s not right.

“Yo, it’s me. I came.”

The heck was that?

No.

Saw people in front of me looking as if they were staring at a ghost. My eyes felt drowsy.

Will she want me there? Might make her feel worse, but I have a job.

Wait.

I gazed at the address.

If she could afford a damn house, then she got a job.

Sis’s dream was to be a doc, or nurse. Guessing she got the chance to learn and live with peace.

Was right to leave her.

Kept her dragging me down.

Okcono Street. 56-A. Near the suburbs. House with two pillars supporting the roof in front of the house.

I knocked on the gate.

A man responded.

“Coming.”

Damn, is this the wrong address?

Heart skipped a beat as the hinges creaked.

“You,” he said, gritting his teeth.

“Is sis—”

“You got some nerve coming here. Get out,” he snarled at me.

“Please, I just—”

“Just what?” he yelled at me.

“Who’s out there?” a familiar voice echoed.

Sis.

“Just the telemarketer, honey,” he said in a calmer voice.

“Get out of here. You’re just here to satisfy your conscience and make amends, so don’t bother,” he said in an agitated voice.

“Is sis alright?”

“Better than ever,” he said, looking down.

“Thank you for taking care of her.” I tried to take my leave.

Bloodlust, fury in his eyes. I saw the pain I had caused. Saw the moments of our last meeting in the alleyways.

Seeing sister leaving and knowing she’ll be fine is all I need now.

“Indy,” Sister said in slight shock.

Her voice hasn’t changed a bit.

Gazed at her. Clear olive skin shimmering in the sun rays, her hair darker than any shadow, yet light gleamed out. Heartfelt heavy, like I was about to drown in my own breath.

For a moment, we met eye to eye.

Gazed down and came through the gate, lush green of the grass almost blinding me.

Edged closer and closer, but she kept silent.

Wanted her to say something, anything.

The silence felt crushing, like the chest filled with water.

My eyes teared up.

Came close enough to see the top of her head. I had grown a lot. Yet she kept looking down.

Bit my lip and tried to hold it in.

“Hey, how’s the day?” I said in a breaking voice.

Still, the rustle of the jasmine tree in her garden spoke in her place.

Kneeled down at her feet. My legs went limp. My forehead scraped the rocks beneath.

Had no plan of doing this, but this was what I wanted. Compared to her, I’m a small, insignificant thing.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said, tears watering the lush grass, the smell of crushed grass reaching my nose.

Heard my sister kneeling down. Kept my head down and sobbed softly.

She tapped me on the shoulder. I slowly raised my head. Before getting the chance to see her face, she embraced me. Her head rested on my shoulder as her arms wrapped around my back.

My arms didn’t embrace her. My hands felt broken, waving limp to the wind.

Years thinking how I’ll meet her, and thinking I killed her back then.

I should have stayed. Back then, she needed me, while now I think she’s better off forgetting me.

Felt like a petty thief.

“Glad you’re alright,” she said in a whimpering voice. “Come on, let’s have some tea.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeated myself.

“It’s fine—”

“No, it’s not,” I cut her off as my tears poured onto her. “I always lagged behind. You did everything. You carried me, you fed me. I did nothing. I took everything. You wanted to learn; you wanted to draw. But I was in the way. Didn’t help you, always complained. I yelled at you, bit you, punched you in the jaw,” I said, my voice breaking. “Cast you aside anyway and left you on your own.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did. Hated how you’re stronger than me, better than me at hunting. When you finally needed my help, I just ran. You should hate me. Hate me.”

“I did,” she said in a monotonic voice, and held me tighter.

“I did, but Officer Omen, the person you sent to help me, cleared my head for me. You were just doing what felt right. You ran because you thought then I’d stop finally starving myself, isn’t that right?” she said, holding her tears back.

“You were 15. You did what you thought was right. Honestly, the best option back then…you tried to protect me in your own…well—”

Before she could finish, my arms held her, embracing her.

Finally broke down. Moved my head away from her shoulder to finish my waterworks, but she moved my head back where it was.

Followed me and broke down.

For a while, we were as one.

After our tears ran dry, we started to laugh.

Finally got my eyes to meet hers.

She’s the same.

“Get inside the house, then talk,” Rosten spoke in a mocking tone.

She stood and walked up to him and grabbed him by the ear.

“Then make our guest some tea—”

“—right, boss,” he said and ran toward the house.

I smirked and followed her, as I always do, and always will.

End.

 

First thing I'm not a native English speaker. So my Sentence flow and such and Clarity maybe BAD.

Well i want is you to give this story a chance(short story) and give your honest opinion. Even if you drop the story thinking it's too boring, you can send the last chapter you read before you left.

general questions I'm asking is you is

1. what part was exciting
2. what part felt lame and a drag
3. what part felt confusing
4. and logic gaps

you can just list out the problems in the story and how you felt about it. like
did i describe to little or too much,
was the chapter too long or short
was the pace good or bad..etc...

and idk how to send things to reddit. well hopefully i didn't break any rules and the remaining last Chapter 7 is below if you want to read.

Chapter 7 — [20-year-old]

Head feels foggy. Saw my sister tapping on my hand.

“Hey, hey, hey,” she said.

“HEY!” Nico yelled in my ear.

I fell from my chair, cracking my butt in the process. Ankle twisted a bit.

Groggily said, “What the hell?”

“I have a surprise for you,” he said, speeding his arm around the room like an eagle.

Thankfully, no one is around the post office.

“Not in the mood—”

“No, none of that crap,” he cuts me off.

“Shut up,” I said, stroking my rabbit hide bracelet.

Gazed at it, took it off, and shoved it inside my pocket.

I rarely think of my sis. Sadly, I remember the month I left her, June. Like clockwork, that month feels like bad luck.

Should move on. Not hearing from her. She’s good as dead…

…I killed her.

Contradictory, the month of June is when the civil war finally stopped. The celebrations of my country’s victory usually drown my thoughts with uncanny happiness.

The bastard who killed Mom, who ruined so much, finally gone.

I finally learned how to read the newspaper with the help of Neko.

The dumbass war ended two years ago.

For 12 years of war, it felt like a never-ending nightmare that dragged on.

Nico edged back, yet he smiled brightly. Usually, he keeps away from me for a good five minutes before coming back, forgetting whatever happened, but he only came closer.

“Alright, you’re scaring me,” I said, awkwardly smiling.

“Anny Oltman,” he whispered to me.

My blood boiled. Grabbed him by the collar.

“Why the hell bring up her? Wait.”

“Yep, she’s…well, I tracked her address. Do whatever. I don’t care,” he said while giving me a paper written with the address.

I thought she died. That made me feel at ease.

Hated myself for it. Couldn’t bear how I’ll speak.

Heart raced holding onto the paper. Stomach turned. Felt as if there was a hole in the chest, the feeling you get when underwater.

Ambled toward Nico.

Scared, he tried to run, but I grabbed him and hugged him.

“Oh crap, uhhh,” he was lost in his words.

Later that day, I went to the train station, almost noon. Said my leave to Nico and sat in the compartment. He waved like there was a bee near him.

Marsouth town, 50 km away.

What the hell am I supposed to say to her?

“Hey there, remember me?”

No, that’s not right.

“Yo, it’s me. I came.”

The heck was that?

No.

Saw people in front of me looking as if they were staring at a ghost. My eyes felt drowsy.

Will she want me there? Might make her feel worse, but I have a job.

Wait.

I gazed at the address.

If she could afford a damn house, then she got a job.

Sis’s dream was to be a doc, or nurse. Guessing she got the chance to learn and live with peace.

Was right to leave her.

Kept her dragging me down.

Okcono Street. 56-A. Near the suburbs. House with two pillars supporting the roof in front of the house.

I knocked on the gate.

A man responded.

“Coming.”

Damn, is this the wrong address?

Heart skipped a beat as the hinges creaked.

“You,” he said, gritting his teeth.

“Is sis—”

“You got some nerve coming here. Get out,” he snarled at me.

“Please, I just—”

“Just what?” he yelled at me.

“Who’s out there?” a familiar voice echoed.

Sis.

“Just the telemarketer, honey,” he said in a calmer voice.

“Get out of here. You’re just here to satisfy your conscience and make amends, so don’t bother,” he said in an agitated voice.

“Is sis alright?”

“Better than ever,” he said, looking down.

“Thank you for taking care of her.” I tried to take my leave.

Bloodlust, fury in his eyes. I saw the pain I had caused. Saw the moments of our last meeting in the alleyways.

Seeing sister leaving and knowing she’ll be fine is all I need now.

“Indy,” Sister said in slight shock.

Her voice hasn’t changed a bit.

Gazed at her. Clear olive skin shimmering in the sun rays, her hair darker than any shadow, yet light gleamed out. Heartfelt heavy, like I was about to drown in my own breath.

For a moment, we met eye to eye.

Gazed down and came through the gate, lush green of the grass almost blinding me.

Edged closer and closer, but she kept silent.

Wanted her to say something, anything.

The silence felt crushing, like the chest filled with water.

My eyes teared up.

Came close enough to see the top of her head. I had grown a lot. Yet she kept looking down.

Bit my lip and tried to hold it in.

“Hey, how’s the day?” I said in a breaking voice.

Still, the rustle of the jasmine tree in her garden spoke in her place.

Kneeled down at her feet. My legs went limp. My forehead scraped the rocks beneath.

Had no plan of doing this, but this was what I wanted. Compared to her, I’m a small, insignificant thing.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said, tears watering the lush grass, the smell of crushed grass reaching my nose.

Heard my sister kneeling down. Kept my head down and sobbed softly.

She tapped me on the shoulder. I slowly raised my head. Before getting the chance to see her face, she embraced me. Her head rested on my shoulder as her arms wrapped around my back.

My arms didn’t embrace her. My hands felt broken, waving limp to the wind.

Years thinking how I’ll meet her, and thinking I killed her back then.

I should have stayed. Back then, she needed me, while now I think she’s better off forgetting me.

Felt like a petty thief.

“Glad you’re alright,” she said in a whimpering voice. “Come on, let’s have some tea.”

“I’m sorry,” I repeated myself.

“It’s fine—”

“No, it’s not,” I cut her off as my tears poured onto her. “I always lagged behind. You did everything. You carried me, you fed me. I did nothing. I took everything. You wanted to learn; you wanted to draw. But I was in the way. Didn’t help you, always complained. I yelled at you, bit you, punched you in the jaw,” I said, my voice breaking. “Cast you aside anyway and left you on your own.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yes, I did. Hated how you’re stronger than me, better than me at hunting. When you finally needed my help, I just ran. You should hate me. Hate me.”

“I did,” she said in a monotonic voice, and held me tighter.

“I did, but Officer Omen, the person you sent to help me, cleared my head for me. You were just doing what felt right. You ran because you thought then I’d stop finally starving myself, isn’t that right?” she said, holding her tears back.

“You were 15. You did what you thought was right. Honestly, the best option back then…you tried to protect me in your own…well—”

Before she could finish, my arms held her, embracing her.

Finally broke down. Moved my head away from her shoulder to finish my waterworks, but she moved my head back where it was.

Followed me and broke down.

For a while, we were as one.

After our tears ran dry, we started to laugh.

Finally got my eyes to meet hers.

She’s the same.

“Get inside the house, then talk,” Rosten spoke in a mocking tone.

She stood and walked up to him and grabbed him by the ear.

“Then make our guest some tea—”

“—right, boss,” he said and ran toward the house.

I smirked and followed her, as I always do, and always will.

End.

 

First thing I'm not a native English speaker. So my Sentence flow and such and Clarity maybe BAD.

Well i want is you to give this story a chance(short story) and give your honest opinion. Even if you drop the story thinking it's too boring, you can send the last chapter you read before you left.

general questions I'm asking is you is

1. what part was exciting
2. what part felt lame and a drag
3. what part felt confusing
4. and logic gaps

you can just list out the problems in the story and how you felt about it. like
did i describe to little or too much,
was the chapter too long or short
was the pace good or bad..etc...

and idk how to send things to reddit. well hopefully i didn't break any rules and the remaining last Chapter 7 is below if you want to read.

Chapter 7 — [20-year-old]

>!Head feels foggy. Saw my sister tapping on my hand.!<

>!“Hey, hey, hey,” she said.!<

>!“HEY!” Nico yelled in my ear.!<

>!I fell from my chair, cracking my butt in the process. Ankle twisted a bit.!<

>!Groggily said, “What the hell?”!<

>!“I have a surprise for you,” he said, speeding his arm around the room like an eagle.!<

>!Thankfully, no one is around the post office.!<

>!“Not in the mood—”!<

>!“No, none of that crap,” he cuts me off.!<

>!“Shut up,” I said, stroking my rabbit hide bracelet.!<

>!Gazed at it, took it off, and shoved it inside my pocket.!<

>!I rarely think of my sis. Sadly, I remember the month I left her, June. Like clockwork, that month feels like bad luck.!<

>!Should move on. Not hearing from her. She’s good as dead…!<

>!…I killed her.!<

>!Contradictory, the month of June is when the civil war finally stopped. The celebrations of my country’s victory usually drown my thoughts with uncanny happiness.!<

>!The bastard who killed Mom, who ruined so much, finally gone.!<

>!I finally learned how to read the newspaper with the help of Neko.!<

>!The dumbass war ended two years ago.!<

>!For 12 years of war, it felt like a never-ending nightmare that dragged on.!<

>!Nico edged back, yet he smiled brightly. Usually, he keeps away from me for a good five minutes before coming back, forgetting whatever happened, but he only came closer.!<

>!“Alright, you’re scaring me,” I said, awkwardly smiling.!<

>!“Anny Oltman,” he whispered to me.!<

>!My blood boiled. Grabbed him by the collar.!<

>!“Why the hell bring up her? Wait.”!<

>!“Yep, she’s…well, I tracked her address. Do whatever. I don’t care,” he said while giving me a paper written with the address.!<

>!I thought she died. That made me feel at ease.!<

>!Hated myself for it. Couldn’t bear how I’ll speak.!<

>!Heart raced holding onto the paper. Stomach turned. Felt as if there was a hole in the chest, the feeling you get when underwater.!<

>!Ambled toward Nico.!<

>!Scared, he tried to run, but I grabbed him and hugged him.!<

>!“Oh crap, uhhh,” he was lost in his words.!<

>!Later that day, I went to the train station, almost noon. Said my leave to Nico and sat in the compartment. He waved like there was a bee near him.!<

>!Marsouth town, 50 km away.!<

>!What the hell am I supposed to say to her?!<

>!“Hey there, remember me?”!<

>!No, that’s not right.!<

>!“Yo, it’s me. I came.”!<

>!The heck was that?!<

>!No.!<

>!Saw people in front of me looking as if they were staring at a ghost. My eyes felt drowsy.!<

>!Will she want me there? Might make her feel worse, but I have a job.!<

>!Wait.!<

>!I gazed at the address.!<

>!If she could afford a damn house, then she got a job.!<

>!Sis’s dream was to be a doc, or nurse. Guessing she got the chance to learn and live with peace.!<

>!Was right to leave her.!<

>!Kept her dragging me down.!<

>!Okcono Street. 56-A. Near the suburbs. House with two pillars supporting the roof in front of the house.!<

>!I knocked on the gate.!<

>!A man responded.!<

>!“Coming.”!<

>!Damn, is this the wrong address?!<

>!Heart skipped a beat as the hinges creaked.!<

>!“You,” he said, gritting his teeth.!<

>!“Is sis—”!<

>!“You got some nerve coming here. Get out,” he snarled at me.!<

>!“Please, I just—”!<

>!“Just what?” he yelled at me.!<

>!“Who’s out there?” a familiar voice echoed.!<

>!Sis.!<

>!“Just the telemarketer, honey,” he said in a calmer voice.!<

>!“Get out of here. You’re just here to satisfy your conscience and make amends, so don’t bother,” he said in an agitated voice.!<

>!“Is sis alright?”!<

>!“Better than ever,” he said, looking down.!<

>!“Thank you for taking care of her.” I tried to take my leave.!<

>!Bloodlust, fury in his eyes. I saw the pain I had caused. Saw the moments of our last meeting in the alleyways.!<

>!Seeing sister leaving and knowing she’ll be fine is all I need now.!<

>!“Indy,” Sister said in slight shock.!<

>!Her voice hasn’t changed a bit.!<

>!Gazed at her. Clear olive skin shimmering in the sun rays, her hair darker than any shadow, yet light gleamed out. Heartfelt heavy, like I was about to drown in my own breath.!<

>!For a moment, we met eye to eye.!<

>!Gazed down and came through the gate, lush green of the grass almost blinding me.!<

>!Edged closer and closer, but she kept silent.!<

>!Wanted her to say something, anything.!<

>!The silence felt crushing, like the chest filled with water.!<

>!My eyes teared up.!<

>!Came close enough to see the top of her head. I had grown a lot. Yet she kept looking down.!<

>!Bit my lip and tried to hold it in.!<

>!“Hey, how’s the day?” I said in a breaking voice.!<

>!Still, the rustle of the jasmine tree in her garden spoke in her place.!<

>!Kneeled down at her feet. My legs went limp. My forehead scraped the rocks beneath.!<

>!Had no plan of doing this, but this was what I wanted. Compared to her, I’m a small, insignificant thing.!<

>!“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I said, tears watering the lush grass, the smell of crushed grass reaching my nose.!<

>!Heard my sister kneeling down. Kept my head down and sobbed softly.!<

>!She tapped me on the shoulder. I slowly raised my head. Before getting the chance to see her face, she embraced me. Her head rested on my shoulder as her arms wrapped around my back.!<

>!My arms didn’t embrace her. My hands felt broken, waving limp to the wind.!<

>!Years thinking how I’ll meet her, and thinking I killed her back then.!<

>!I should have stayed. Back then, she needed me, while now I think she’s better off forgetting me.!<

>!Felt like a petty thief.!<

>!“Glad you’re alright,” she said in a whimpering voice. “Come on, let’s have some tea.”!<

>!“I’m sorry,” I repeated myself.!<

>!“It’s fine—”!<

>!“No, it’s not,” I cut her off as my tears poured onto her. “I always lagged behind. You did everything. You carried me, you fed me. I did nothing. I took everything. You wanted to learn; you wanted to draw. But I was in the way. Didn’t help you, always complained. I yelled at you, bit you, punched you in the jaw,” I said, my voice breaking. “Cast you aside anyway and left you on your own.”!<

>!“No, you didn’t.”!<

>!“Yes, I did. Hated how you’re stronger than me, better than me at hunting. When you finally needed my help, I just ran. You should hate me. Hate me.”!<

>!“I did,” she said in a monotonic voice, and held me tighter.!<

>!“I did, but Officer Omen, the person you sent to help me, cleared my head for me. You were just doing what felt right. You ran because you thought then I’d stop finally starving myself, isn’t that right?” she said, holding her tears back.!<

>!“You were 15. You did what you thought was right. Honestly, the best option back then…you tried to protect me in your own…well—”!<

>!Before she could finish, my arms held her, embracing her.!<

>!Finally broke down. Moved my head away from her shoulder to finish my waterworks, but she moved my head back where it was.!<

>!Followed me and broke down.!<

>!For a while, we were as one.!<

>!After our tears ran dry, we started to laugh.!<

>!Finally got my eyes to meet hers.!<

>!She’s the same.!<

>!“Get inside the house, then talk,” Rosten spoke in a mocking tone.!<

>!She stood and walked up to him and grabbed him by the ear.!<

>!“Then make our guest some tea—”!<

>!“—right, boss,” he said and ran toward the house.!<

>!I smirked and followed her, as I always do, and always will.!<

>!End.!<

>! !<