u/xtcdenver

Hi!!!! I am so excited! I was diagnosed with ADHD at 12 (30 years ago as a female that was a pretty big diagnosis to make) but I've never been able to figure out the full puzzle. Here I am, super successful at what I do, and I've totally crumped. Haven't been able to touch work for 6 months - and I OWN the company. My poor employees. I've been doing SSRI's, Adderall, Wellbutrin, nothing is doing it for me. I can't even fix dinner, all I can do is care for foster kittens and ignore the rest of life. Someone mentioned autistic burnout. I thought that was fun - a great excuse for why I've been a total loser at home and work this year, and why I've struggled with so much my whole life. The only reason I even have a job is I made my own company.... I can't do 9-5; I always get fired. I was wishing that AuDHD was the case, but had an imposter syndrome thing... like.... maybe this is wishful thinking?

So I went in for the full battery of testing. They did the WAIS, BRIEF, ASRS and a bunch of other tests I can't remember. Interviewed my dad (who is 89 and collects coins, autographs, stamps, and is soooo autistic). They gave me diagnostic codes F84.0, F90.0, F43.8 (ASD, ADHD, unspecified PTSD). Even after all this, I still feel like I'm just larping having autism, but I'm very hopeful the tests were right. Oh, I'm female, so apparently this manifests slightly differently.

Here are my main arguments in my head that I really do have AuDHD:

1. I did get the diagnosis from an actual autism assessment/neuropsych place.
2. I hyperfocus on a single topic for years, then just drop it. It was freshwater aquariums for years, then saltwater, then variegated house plants, now it's kittens and parasitology. I'm crazy. I've joined a rescue, take in all the sickest ones, do fecals on them, and have completed a year and a half of vet tech school. Do I want to become a vet tech? Nope. I just want to learn everything about vet medicine.
3. I have weird food aversions. Food touching, being afraid any new food will cause an allergy, a visceral reaction if I even think about ketchup. Has my first hamburger when I was 28, and it was terrifying. I struggle with food textures - yoghurt and pudding I just can't. Oh, and clothing textures. I'm a full adult and will rip the tags out of every shirt.
4. My dad and my son are both autistic. Dad isn't officially diagnosed but there's no question.
5. I love Excel spreadsheets. I think in systems. I like learning medicine and anatomy as a hobby.
6. I'm always learning Spanish. Why? I don't know, I just want to. Oh and I can do killer accents. I've got Indian, Vietnamese and British down so well that my Vietnamese friends ask me to do the accent for their other Vietnamese friends. Oh yeah and I'm trying to learn Vietnamese, too. Why? I don't know.
7. Socially I suck. Actually, if I'm meeting you for the first time I'm awesome - super friendly, outgoing, helpful, and I say all the right words. But after that? My brain breaks. I have no idea how to relate to people past that first customer-service interaction.
8. I ghost people. I just freak out and never reply.
9. I seriously question people when they tell me something. Like "did you read the actual study or just a news headline?" Like, the information is more important than feelings. I know it makes me seem like I'm argumentative, but I want to get to the source truth and not what someone says about the truth.
10. The sun is too bright. I'm fine indoors but seriously hate the sun. And I hate sunglasses.

I think there are more, but I don't fully believe it (even though I want so badly for this to be true). I've struggled in life so so much and it feels like if this is the answer, I'll understand myself so much better and finally be able to cut myself a bit of slack. Plus I'll have a community!

But I worry that I'm faking it. I've been thinking I could have autism for 6 months. Is it possible that I over identified with the diagnosis simply because I want to have it? But then I think... this has to be a symptom - the need for no ambiguity, the need for a black and white litmus test or else I'll keep searching for certainty even in the diagnosis?