u/zackroot

Our boy was so congested this week. We need to find you a good nasal spray for the late-spring allergy season!

Sincerely,

A fan whose sinuses also shit the bed each May / June

In the times long before Solomon, the Prophet Jim was called to Johnson City to give aid to its villages and people, for whom a terrible blight had struck. The corn grew nary a fingertip before it withered, the calves refused to suckle at their mothers’ teets, and the ewes labored for hours only to give stilborn lambs. The Prophet sought council with the Granny, but the Elders told him that she had been cast aside the year before,

“She got led astray by that Asher feller, I’ll tell you what! She was wise and clever before, but then she lost her way once that Asher kid died. She’s consorting with evil spirits now, and she won’t speak to anyone. Oh Judge-of-the-Lord, please help us!” 

Jim travelled to Huckleberry Knob where the Granny spent her days, but he found her house to be in complete ruin. He entered to find the poor woman huddled under the supper table, shivering and babbling. She looked like she hadn’t bathed in months, and she smelled like it too. As she tried to scuttle away from him, he reached into his bag and gave her the last of his biscuits, tending her rashes and cuts with comfrey salve as she ate the food. The Granny praised him,

“You’re the first person to show kindness to me since Asher passed. Since no one took the mantle of Sin-Eater after, I’ve been doing it all myself, and it’s too much for me! The people look to me for wisdom and clarity, but my visions are now clouded with death and suffering. What use is a candle in the morning fog?” 

When he learned of this, the Prophet wept for her and her struggles. He returned to the village and demanded a meeting with the Chief, a man by the name of Titus. When he appeared, Jim struck him across the face with his staff,

“A pox upon your home! Why have you left the wisest amongst you to toil as Sin-Eater? One cannot grow a tree using its own flowers and fruit as manure! From the tree comes life, from life comes death, and from death comes the tree. If you wish to save your village, you must find a new Sin-Eater and restore balance!”

The Chief gathered his officials at the grave of Asher and ordered the last of the village’s cornmeal be made into a cake to be placed at the site. A young man by the name of Julian stepped forth and volunteered, eating the cake and speaking prayers to the Earth. As the filth and decay engulfed him, Life returned to the plants and animals around them. Though the village was saved, no one approached Julian to praise him. Again, the Prophet corrected them,

“This man is the most beautiful and pure amongst you! He has taken the sins of your ancestors upon himself so that they may become One again. Honor this man and leave him to a dignified life of peace, for heavy is the burden that the Sin-Eater must bear.”