u/zerotohero2024

I’m gonna be brutally honest because I feel like some of you might actually relate.

I’ve always been told I’m “big”, and over time I think my brain got completely hooked on the validation that comes with it. Sending pics, getting reactions, girls hyping it up, people joking about it, etc. It gives me an insane ego boost.

The problem is I think it’s turning into some kind of compulsive behavior. Like I genuinely get turned on by the idea of being seen/desired. Not even just sex itself, but the reaction. The attention. The shock factor.

At one point I almost had sex with a girl on a public bench because the risk/exhibitionist side of it was honestly part of the turn on. Looking back, that’s probably not normal.

What confuses me is that I don’t think I’m insecure physically at all. If anything it’s the opposite. But somehow I still constantly seek validation through sex or sexual attention and it feels addictive.

Has anyone else here experienced this? Especially the part where being “the guy with the big dick” slowly becomes part of your identity/personality? Because I’m starting to realize that might not be healthy long term.

TL;DR: I (M25) am autistic and struggle with social cues. I thought my best friend (F29) was giving me signals that she wanted something more, but when I acted on it, I overwhelmed her and now she’s backing away.

This happened over the last 24 hours and I am currently spiraling.

I have a best friend (F29) whom I’ve known for 7 years. She’s been my rock. Recently, I started feeling like the dynamic was changing. She was being extra sweet, sending what I perceived as "flirty" messages, and we had plans to see each other this Sunday. Being on the spectrum, I often struggle to distinguish between "extreme friendliness" and "romantic interest." I truly believed this was it.

I got over-excited. I started sending messages that were too intense, too "inappropriate" for just friends, and basically acted like we were already in a relationship. I didn't give her room to breathe.

She eventually called me out, saying I was being manipulative (I wasn't trying to be, I was just anxious and excited) and that she feels overwhelmed. She posted something on social media about how people can look fine on the outside but be "struggling with anxiety" on the inside. I know that post is about me and the pressure I put on her.

Now, she’s gone silent. She’s seen my apology but isn't responding. I’m sitting here realizing I might have destroyed 7 years of the purest friendship I’ve ever had because I misread the "signals" and let my hyper-fixation/anxiety take over the wheel.

The guilt is eating me alive because I never wanted to be "that guy" who makes a woman feel uncomfortable or pressured. I just wanted to show her how much I cared, but I did it in the worst way possible.

Now I’m just waiting in silence, hoping the Sunday plan isn't cancelled, but fearing I've pushed her too far.