Think having no period/being skinny is worth it? THINK AGAIN
Just wanted to be another voice of reason (mainly to myself lol) and de-glamourise HA and choosing appearance over our health, especially in the wake of “skinny-tok” and for anyone struggling.
For context I’ve lost my period two times now, and for the second time I’ve still not had it in over two and a half years. I never meant to lose weight but as someone who’s neurodivergent and struggled with her mental health, I found food and my body image as something I could finally be in control with. I fell in love with going to the gym and strength training but I was also obsessed with steps and couldn’t bear rest days. However, I was never underweight and I was still eating over 2000 calories so I thought why is this happening? But because our bodies are soooo different and with exercise and muscle and eating low carbs due to digestive issues, I was still in a energy deficit (hence don’t compare yourself to other people’s journeys or think your not “sick” enough to recover).
At the start of February I got a calf strain in my right leg. Cut to today, aka 9 months later, and I STILL have the injury except it’s worse and I haven’t been able to work for the past month and need crutches to walk around on.
Now I don’t think my HA caused the injury but it’s definitely impacted my recovery and because I was resting, I was stupid and cut my intake, became underweight and now my injury is worse and I’m in so much pain. How arbitrary is it that once again my body had to fail on me as a scream for help and I still chose aesthetics over my own health? I also have fallen victim to past ED thoughts which has only added to how miserable I am.
I’m writing this from my bed in agony and all I can think about is being able to walk a few steps without crutches. I fantasise about being able to run and cycle and lift and I’ve finally realised if I want to do all that, that it’s about working with our bodies and fuelling them so I can LIVE.
So yes, I am “lean” and “skinny” but who cares when no one can see because I can’t leave the house? I’m FREEZING all the time. I can’t sit still because I can feel the bones in my ass. I am sooooo mentally and physically tired and so irritable that I can’t see friends/pulled away. My memory is horrendous and the brain fog is terrible. I can’t even work and do what I love. The food noise is terrible. My sleep is the worst it’s ever been - I can’t fall asleep and I can’t stay asleep. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve cried because my sleep has been that bad. My hair is falling out. I can’t bloody shave my armpits because there’s no fat there.
So please, I’m begging you all, and I’m begging myself, we are worth so so so much more than our bodies and I hate to think that some of you are experiencing what I am because life is way too short to be injured and miserable.
Let’s think more about what our bodies can do and less about what our bodies look like.
When we are 90 years old (which, let’s recover so we can live that long!!!) is it cool to still be weighing your food and counting your ab lines, or will you take pride in all the memories and fun you’ve had in your life?
I’ll let you answer that - I’m choosing the latter :)