r/AroAllo

This might sound kind dumb but I wrote this out in my notes app and needed to send it into the ether to get it off my chest.

I finally figured out the reason the idea of me being aromantic makes me so uncomfortable and have finally found a way to put it into words. If I imagine myself as a puzzle, the things that make me different (being bisexual/queer, being disabled and being overweight) feel like puzzle pieces that fit perfectly but just have a different image on them. They’re not ‘wrong’, just slightly different but still very much a part of me, and a part that fits so well and that I accept happily. However, there is a piece missing- the romance piece. I feel like my aromanticism is indicative of something being missing and I guess that is literally what being aromantic is but, in a society so obsessed with romance, that missing puzzle piece makes me feel like I’m broken or that I have committed some moral failing by missing a piece that everyone else has. I can easily deal with and accept being ‘different’ but feeling ‘broken’ is much harder for me to come to terms with because it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and that I won’t be accepted as a part of society by the people around me.

I don't feel comfortable with any kind of intimacy that reads as "too romantic" to me, so lately I've noticed that I'd feel the most comfortable in purely physical and transactional relationships. Not even FWBs because they involve too much attachment, which as I've recently noticed, are too similar to romance to me.

I really just want to be useful. Nothing more, because that's already too "romantic" to me. Ig what I want is just be someone you'd use whenever you're horny. In fact, recently an online "FWB" (if you can even call it that) straight-up told me she's just using me to get off and I felt... SO happy?? Like, all we do is sext, dirty talk, and get horny for one another, and for some reason knowing this doesn't mean anything "more" to her made me feel so euphoric.

Is there something wrong with me??

Green Stripe Aro: Someone who experience zero/no romantic attraction

The term Aro was not known to me until my child told me about a year ago. I had relationships in the past. Was even married once. Going through the motions of what I saw normal relationships looked like. Knowing that I was not living up to the expectations of the women I was seeing. Living with the guilt of it being my fault that some things were not enough. That my lack of desire to be romantic, the lack of emotions on my face and in my actions. They all failed because I failed. I'm not what most people need or I lack what most people need.

7 years ago I called it quits. Set my focus on my kids. Not knowing exactly what I was but seeing that there was a problem. I decided to not drag another woman through the frustration of dealing with me and the way I am. And for the last 7 years things have been going well. Got custody of my older child. Got them through some tough times.

About 2 years ago my child in one of our many conversations told me they think I'm Aromantic. I started looking into it. The first few things I looked at were more on the Aroace side. So I kind of blew if off thinking it didn't fit. I still have desires. Not long ago I found the AroAllo. It seems to fit the most. I know all things are a spectrum. So close enough. Even though I don't have a full understanding still of myself, I'm on the right path.

One of my greatest struggles is I always wanted a lot of kids. I have 2 in their teens and they have been the best thing to happen to me. The desire to have more kids has never left. I had given up on that the same way I had given up an any form of relationship. It doesn't fit the mold of the way things are supposed to be. How are you supposed to have a kid without a relationship?

Understanding a bit more about who I am and why; I think maybe all hope is not lost. If there is any hope it's in honesty. I know the likelihood isn't probable, but that doesn't make it impossible.

So I've started a new journey. No expectations. Trying to clearly define my terms and expectations. Being honest and see where a new mindset takes me.

How did you explain it?

How’d they take it?

Hello good people!

I'm a Sociology PhD student working on an interview study about how people on the aromantic spectrum understand romance and related social expectations.

I'm currently looking for participants (adults, 18+) who identify as being on the aromantic spectrum and would be open to a confidential interview lasting about ~60-90 minutes. Interviews can be conducted over Zoom (camera off is completely fine if preferred) or, if you're in the California Bay Area and it’s mutually preferred, in person.

I'm interested in hearing from folks across the aromantic spectrum and welcome a wide range of experiences and perspectives. I'm really just hoping to learn more and hear about people's experiences in their own words. There are no right or wrong answers, and the conversation is pretty open-ended and low pressure.

If you might be interested or have any questions, feel free to send me a DM! Reaching out doesn't commit you to participating. I'm happy to answer questions so you can decide whether the study is a good fit for you.

Thank you so much 😊

I've been doing some thinking and realized that, while I have enjoyed being intimate with FWBs, it comes with a few downsides too; most people aren't aromantic, nor poly/ENM, and even those who are will still prioritize their romantic partner(s) and eventually want to end their friendships with benefits, or at least remove the benefits.

As someone who's very romance-repulsed, I've long considered FWBs the only way for me to comfortably experience intimacy, especially with poly/ENM people because the risk of them catching romantic feelings for me is much lower as they already get their romantic needs met by their partner(s) so I can just comfortably be a nice physical extra.

However, I've noticed that when FWBs end things it hurts me a lot. Of course I respect their decision and don't protest or anything, but I cannot help but get sad when it happens, and it always happens eventually. Once I've grown too attached it will hurt, and honestly, I'm not sure I could do it again.

So I've decided to resort to hookups from now on. No attachment, no hurt feelings, just short and sweet intimacy. This will most definitely not help the aroallo stereotype of sleeping around all the time, but honestly, if that's the only way for me to experience intimacy comfortably and without getting hurt in the end, then so be it.

Does anyone else relate? Maybe have had similar feelings? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.

I’ve been seeing a lot of negativity about the way we alloaros desire relationships, and while I really understand the frustration expressed, I wanted to offer my viewpoint & why I enjoy being alloaro

I really enjoy being able to build my own types of relationships with people instead of following a script that is often nonsensical and oppressive towards my gender

I really enjoy being able to have amazing sex and completely listening to myself on what I want, instead of being satisfied with okay sex because I want to be with this person romantically

I really enjoy my freedom and not being tied to one person for all my needs

I really enjoy exposing people to other ways of structuring relationships in our society, that includes less hierarchy and expectations, just by loving the way I love

I really enjoy not neglecting my friends - that have been with me for years - for someone I’ve met a few weeks ago (just for a made-up cultural script)

I really enjoy being ”forced” to question lots of other norms around sex, romance, relationship hierarchies and gender dynamics due to the way I love

I really enjoy sex!!! with people!!! and I love making them feel completely safe and helping them understand that sex does not need to be pressured, stressful and anxiety-inducing

I really enjoy not subscribing to any expectations with anyone I meet, and instead seeing that our dynamic is fun for us both as individuals

I really enjoy not just being condemned to loving someone, but feeling love for all my friends, all the people I have sex with, all the people I feel close to in other ways, the leaves of the tree in front of my house and myself

I really enjoy not kissing and holding hands and being all sweet and romantic and I’d probably enjoy that stuff if I wasn’t aroallo - but I am, and if you’re reading this you probably are too, and listening to what you actually desire in this life is much more important than wishing to be more normal <3 and it is harder for us than for allos, but that is due to oppressive societal norms and not the way we are. and those norms can be changed, and they will change, and living and loving the way we are is a step towards that change

https://preview.redd.it/h22fi838jgih1.jpg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6203c76662c11081a84af03b97eb2b36114b7d16

for years i have felt totally alienated because of the kind of relationships i want to have with people. everyone talks about dating and wanting to be cute and romantic, meanwhile i’m just looking for someone who i can finally be intimate with for once in my life without feeling gross. the only real way i know how to express love other than being friends with someone, is sexual attention… and it just feels like nobody ever wants to partake in such things with me, and if they do, they stop within a couple weeks.

i wish i could “love” like everyone else… but the thought of romance is just unappealing to me, not to mention i can’t NOT think of overly sexual things even if i was in a romantic relationship. it’s just a mess of emotions and i really don’t know how to feel, and i’m sick of it. why does my brain have to be like this

What did you notice early? What did you notice late, what did you think you were before you found out you were aromantic? I'd like to see discussions about the timeline