u/germanduderob

I don't feel comfortable with any kind of intimacy that reads as "too romantic" to me, so lately I've noticed that I'd feel the most comfortable in purely physical and transactional relationships. Not even FWBs because they involve too much attachment, which as I've recently noticed, are too similar to romance to me.

I really just want to be useful. Nothing more, because that's already too "romantic" to me. Ig what I want is just be someone you'd use whenever you're horny. In fact, recently an online "FWB" (if you can even call it that) straight-up told me she's just using me to get off and I felt... SO happy?? Like, all we do is sext, dirty talk, and get horny for one another, and for some reason knowing this doesn't mean anything "more" to her made me feel so euphoric.

Is there something wrong with me??

I've been doing some thinking and realized that, while I have enjoyed being intimate with FWBs, it comes with a few downsides too; most people aren't aromantic, nor poly/ENM, and even those who are will still prioritize their romantic partner(s) and eventually want to end their friendships with benefits, or at least remove the benefits.

As someone who's very romance-repulsed, I've long considered FWBs the only way for me to comfortably experience intimacy, especially with poly/ENM people because the risk of them catching romantic feelings for me is much lower as they already get their romantic needs met by their partner(s) so I can just comfortably be a nice physical extra.

However, I've noticed that when FWBs end things it hurts me a lot. Of course I respect their decision and don't protest or anything, but I cannot help but get sad when it happens, and it always happens eventually. Once I've grown too attached it will hurt, and honestly, I'm not sure I could do it again.

So I've decided to resort to hookups from now on. No attachment, no hurt feelings, just short and sweet intimacy. This will most definitely not help the aroallo stereotype of sleeping around all the time, but honestly, if that's the only way for me to experience intimacy comfortably and without getting hurt in the end, then so be it.

Does anyone else relate? Maybe have had similar feelings? Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences.

I'm not mad or anything, so there's an emphasis on "lighthearted", but I just can't leave this uncommented 😅

Whenever someone here asks what romantic attraction feels like there's at least one person conflating multiple types of attraction, such as romantic and sensual, which is the exact same fallacy alloallos commit when they incorrectly claim sex(ual attraction) was part of romantic attraction - yes, most people experience all those attractions simultaneously so they're part of their personal romantic experience, but they are different and can indeed be experienced separately.

Just like how it's possible to experience romantic- without sexual attraction - and vice-versa - it's also possible to experience romantic- without sensual attraction (and vice-versa - I should know because I'm aromantic yet allosensual).

Now, I will admit this mostly isn't a big deal, but it can become a bit problematic when people incorrectly conclude they must be aromantic when really they're actually a*sensual* or just touch-averse. Likewise, it took me so long to realize I was aromantic because for the longest time I thought I couldn't be since I love physical touch, including a lot of romance-coded activities like cuddling and kissing - turns out a desire to do those things with specific people is *sensual* attraction, not romantic.

Just had to say this lol.

Honestly, I hate being a man and wish I weren't one. Anything but a man, I don't care. I feel so uncomfortable in this role, being seen as part of "the dominant sex", "the providing sex", "the protective sex", and simultaneously being seen as part of the toxic, oppressive patriarchal system which I reject in all of its entirety - having all those things ascribed to me which society deems "masculine". I don't identify with it at all.

On top of that, whenever I'm in spaces in which I can be truly myself, act in non-masculine ways, wear cute, stretchy skirts and stuff, I feel more like myself. Like I can just let go of all those toxic gender constructs and just... have fun? Be me? Idk. This only happened a few times, may I add, like a friend let me wear a stretchy skirt and I felt... SO good??

If I had to guess I think it's just me being a man-hater which includes myself, but could this also be gender dysphoria and I might actually be trans/non-binary?

I'm still somewhat active in the asexuality sub since I used to identify as ace and now hope to perhaps help people figure out whether or not they're aro.

Anyway, I keep seeing so many posts by alloaces lamenting that apparently no one these days wants to just date and instead everyone is looking for sex... yet my issue is the exact opposite. It seems like everyone is obsessed with romance, wants something "serious" and find "the one", writing in their dating bios to swipe left if you're only looking for something casual.

It's so rare for me to actually encounter people who just want something casual (FWBs, hookups, etc.), and maybe this is a cultural thing or something, but honestly, I just encounter WAY more people looking for romance than just sex.

Is it just confirmation bias, something cultural, or something else?

Obviously most people here are aroallo, but there are so many different kinds! We should be able to add our exact aro identity/microlabel and sexual orientation as it would also make it easier to find people with a similar or even the same identity - that said, any fellow bisexual bellusromantics? 👀

I'd probably add silly stuff to mine too, like: "romantic kissing: 😤 - platonic/sexual kissing: 😍"

What would your user flair be if you could customize it?

Okay, so this isn't directly related to asexuality, but more so aromanticism, I suppose, however I'm asking this question primarily to alloromantic aces as I think you guys can give more insight on this than alloallos.

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So I just saw a post claiming there were three kinds of singles; "fun singles" who go on dates, have fun with various people, and aren't really worried about finding someone asap, "moderate singles" who are neutral about dating and romance and are fine either way, and "sad singles" who are basically incels.

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Now... is it just me or is "single and no interest in dating" missing? Is it THAT unusual not to date? Do alloromantics just assume that people must be either in a romantic relationship or looking/dating, while not even considering the option that some might not have any interest in dating whatsoever?

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I actually have experienced similar things before, with people just assuming I was dating or in a relationship. An online friend who knows I'm aro once asked me something about dating culture in the country I'm from, which obviously I couldn't answer, and they only realized I'm probably not the best person to ask this after I pointed it out. And then another person I had never interacted with prior once just casually referred to "my partner" and how they hoped I was in a happy relationship with them... I have no idea what could've prompted this as nothing I said implied I had a partner in any way, shape, or form.

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I knew amatonormativity runs deep in society, but it's honestly shocking to see just to what extent that's the case.

A bit of context: I used to identify as ace (aroace), but realized I'm just aro after all. One reason I figured this out actually has to do with this topic - whenever I'd see a post in this sub asking how people felt about kissing the majority of comments would say they didn't like it, even a lot of alloromantic asexuals would say they didn't, but still expressed romantic attraction in other ways.

There certainly seems to be a correlation between disliking not just sex, but also kissing, and by extension sometimes even all physical touch, so I started wondering if perhaps to some, if not many people, kissing is actually more of a sexual than romantic thing. This explained for me why I actually like and desire it - maybe I, too, actually think of it as sexual rather than romantic which is why I still desire it.