r/AskNT

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I’m having an issue at work that’s starting to really get to me.

My boss recently thought I was being rude to a customer on the phone. From my perspective, I genuinely wasn’t being rude—I was simply repeating what I had already said because the customer apparently didn’t understand me. I wasn’t angry or trying to be disrespectful, but apparently my tone came across that way.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been told that I sound like I have an attitude or that I’m being rude when I genuinely don’t feel like I’m doing anything differently. It’s frustrating because I feel like I’m constantly being judged based on how my voice sounds rather than what I’m actually saying or intending.

My boss also tends to micromanage, so now I feel like I’m hyperaware of how I talk, how I respond, and whether something I say is going to be interpreted negatively.

I’ve wondered whether I could be neurodivergent, although I haven’t been evaluated or diagnosed with anything, ( am currently seeing a therapist if that helps)and I don't want to jump to that conclusion. I’m wondering if differences in tone, communication style, or difficulty realizing how you’re coming across could play a role in something like this.

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you handle being told you sound rude or have an attitude when you genuinely don’t intend to? And how can you tell whether it’s something you need to work on with your communication versus someone simply misinterpreting your natural speaking voice?

One disconnect I frequently observe is, someone will ask a neutral-information requesting question,

And others respond with things like, character attacks for example.

What I'm wondering in my question is:
How does someone benefit from assuming negative intent? And why might someone assume that a neutral clarifying question is a gotcha?

If someone expects that literal-based questions are a gotcha, is it because if they were trying to trigger a 'gotcha' that they would become increasingly more literal? Like, is it their projection?

Would NT people become increasingly more literal if they were trying to 'trap' another person in conversation?

I'd really love to understand the mechanics behind why and how literal communication so frequently is projected to be negative, or have negative intent.

Like if a topic was
Xyz causes abc

and someone said
How does xyz cause abc?

And then people might assume the person asking is asking in bad faith, and start insulting their character, just for asking.
For some reason. And I don't know why they would assume that.

Is it because the individual assumes that people asking for more information about the topic they mentioned automatically means a status challenge is happening?

Is that what causes people to assume bad faith?

For NTs, is a direct clarification question perceived as an attack on identity, or is this mostly only a subset of NTs?

Do you notice the data within a message?
Do you consciously (or subconsciously) disregard that data based on the way it is presented?

If you read something that does not 'feel native' to you, do you reject the data, or do you explore it with curiosity?

If you reject it, is it because you see the presentation of that data as more crucially important than the data's correctness, or is there a different reason?

Do you believe there is 'only one correct way' that data could be presented?

If someone shares raw data with you about a particular topic; are you happy that they have provided all the necessary information to fully and completely understand the topic, or does it trigger a feeling of resentment or rage that you think that they are somehow positioning themselves as the 'knower of the information' above you?

I would love to know your answers very much! And I appreciate all of you for the extensive conversations on these deeply fascinating topics.

My goal:
I'm trying to figure out if the default response when someone shares a lot of information is one of curiosity, or one of overwhelm and rejection.

And if the presentation of the data matters more to you than the data itself, wouldn't that mean you might be easily swayed by common marketing tactics, or do you have some other automatic response which would protect you from that?

What is the default assumption?

Can anything be truly worded neutrally, or will it always be perceived through the lens of projection itself?

Is there any way to free other people from viewing interactions through their own negative lens, or must we accept that we can only control our own projections and responses?

If a social situation is unclear; to where do you default?

Oh yeah and assume it is a stranger, someone you do not already know

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People have always said I overshare but I don’t know when or at which point in a conversation I’m doing it. I don’t understand why some topics are taboo and why there are unspoken rules that you can’t talk about it even when that information would be helpful to the conversation.
I also get accused of crossing boundaries because I’ll use publicly available information to find stuff out, I’ve always thought that if it’s available then I’m not intruding on their privacy and it’s just logical to deduce information and it’s just more efficient.

I’m really tired of trying to understand the world :(

I’m dying to know this. Are social cues intentional? For example when someone complains about something they’re moving being too heavy and hard to move. Are they intentionally trying to hint that they need help?

Same with people venting about having a long day and that they’re tired and don’t want to cook. Are they just complaining but not thinking about the fact that you could help them, or do they understand they’re hinting something and are hoping you will help them?

Additionally if you’re on the other end of this, are you offering to help or helping them because you want to? Or you realize they’re hinting at you to do you do it.

For me, when somebody complains about something that I could help them with easily I get the incentive to and will help them. I don’t think that they’re asking for help unless they say that.

I am also curious as to why people say “If it’s not a bother can you do xyz” or “I hope I am not bothering you,” Do they actually think they’re bothering me? This happens a lot when I am volunteering. A new manager who works there, whenever she asks me to do something she will say she hopes she’s not bothering me or inconveniencing me. She does this with other volunteers too. I just don’t understand this though. I am volunteering because I would like to, I shouldn’t and wouldn’t be volunteering if I do not want to help and am bothered by these requests.

I generally am considered good with social cues, but sometimes I just don’t understand. Especially when they don’t make sense to me, when someone’s behavior is unusual or illogical I will notice it immediately. Specifically when with my family I will ask about why they’re doing x.

(FYI I am autistic teen and have ADHD)

Every single time I’m in a new situation, where I need to meet new people, it feels like it’s going great for the first few days but then they start hanging out behind my back and avoiding me. I can never tell why. I try to listen to them, smile, keep enough eye contact but somehow it always ends up the same. I have a few friends that actually like me, even when I’m not pretending but they’re all neurodivergent too. With them I’ve never had a problem like this. It only happens with nt people. I genuinely have no idea what I’m doing wrong so what are some common “mistakes” made by autistic people during social interactions?

Hey, 23M here. Gonna give you a quick tangent before the real question, because it's actually relevant.

I have a really bad habit of not remembering things people tell me. It doesn't matter if it's trivial or important, I would forget most of the time. I recently realized it's because I'm just bad at actually paying attention while people talk.

For example, I talked about this with my friend and he told me I might have ADHD and suggested that "you should get fidget toys". I said "ew, I'm not playing with a fidget spinner every time I have a conversation," and he goes "It doesn't have to be fidget spinners, I mean, first of all, you should take notes whenever you can. But also, you could lowkey fidget with a pen, like clicking or spinning it, or mayb—" and then started talking about worry stones and spinner rings. But, by that point, I wasn't listening anymore, because the second he said "notes" and "pen," my brain took off on its own tangent: what if I actually started carrying a notebook and pen everywhere so that i could note things out when I could and also fidget with a pen, two birds one stone. But, even for casual hangouts with friends I should also bring them out on the table? Wouldn't that be weird?

So, real question: would that be weird? Context on why I'm considering it: my friends have started getting visibly annoyed that they have to retell me the same story like 4 times just so I'm caught up on the latest drama. So... is bringing a notebook to casual hangs unhinged behavior, or a genius fix?

I know that there is a bigger issue that I need to solve out of this problem but for now, I want to see what you guys think about this here.

This is my first time posting a reddit post so please be kind hehe, and I want to also apologize if my English is kinda broken, I'm not native in Englihh 🥀

Hi! So I have this friend of mine. I consider us close...or maybe, I thought that we were close. We have talked every day since we became friends but I feel like I don't know anything about them. I'm the only one that shares personal stuff with them. And I realized that because I'm going through something right now, and sometimes I can't help but talk about it with them. And it occurred to me: I don't know anything personal about them.

Maybe they don't view me as a close friend that they can share stuff with? Or maybe some people don't like sharing? Although yes they talked to me before about stuff that frustrated them etc, I still feel weird. Or maybe it's my insecurities that are speaking.

What do y'all think?

Technically I'm NT too, but the older I get the less I care about anything. Though I've actually had this problem since childhood: there's nothing I do or care about enough to actually know about or converse about. It's a genuine social hindrance.

Meanwhile online, it feels like I'm more exposed to various "neurodiverse" ways of experiencing interest:

"Yeah, I got so distracted reading about [random complex thing], I missed 10 phone calls, two appointments, a date, and I didn't eat for 3 days."

"Here's my basic preliminary research for a thing I take a casual interest in: it's 10Gb of cutting edge research papers on a Google drive".

"Here's my total beginner hobbyist project. I started practicing this hobby a week ago. It looks like a professional with decades of experience did it."

Yes I am being a bit sarcastic and hyperbolic, but you get the point. I get that us NTs largely don't do this, but most people aren't as indifferent as I am either. What does normal interest look like?