u/TenshiZ69

Hey, 23M here. Gonna give you a quick tangent before the real question, because it's actually relevant.

I have a really bad habit of not remembering things people tell me. It doesn't matter if it's trivial or important, I would forget most of the time. I recently realized it's because I'm just bad at actually paying attention while people talk.

For example, I talked about this with my friend and he told me I might have ADHD and suggested that "you should get fidget toys". I said "ew, I'm not playing with a fidget spinner every time I have a conversation," and he goes "It doesn't have to be fidget spinners, I mean, first of all, you should take notes whenever you can. But also, you could lowkey fidget with a pen, like clicking or spinning it, or mayb—" and then started talking about worry stones and spinner rings. But, by that point, I wasn't listening anymore, because the second he said "notes" and "pen," my brain took off on its own tangent: what if I actually started carrying a notebook and pen everywhere so that i could note things out when I could and also fidget with a pen, two birds one stone. But, even for casual hangouts with friends I should also bring them out on the table? Wouldn't that be weird?

So, real question: would that be weird? Context on why I'm considering it: my friends have started getting visibly annoyed that they have to retell me the same story like 4 times just so I'm caught up on the latest drama. So... is bringing a notebook to casual hangs unhinged behavior, or a genius fix?

I know that there is a bigger issue that I need to solve out of this problem but for now, I want to see what you guys think about this here.

This is my first time posting a reddit post so please be kind hehe, and I want to also apologize if my English is kinda broken, I'm not native in Englihh 🥀

Hey everyone, I’m in a really dark place right now and could use some objective advice. My world completely collapsed over the last three months, and I've lost my entire social circle. I am struggling with severe guilt, depression, and hypervigilance.
Here is the breakdown of what happened:
1. The Childhood Friend (Laura) & My Conflict Avoidance
I had a "best friend" since 3rd grade (let's call her Laura). In high school, she confessed her feelings to me. I wasn’t interested, told her so, but we agreed to stay friends. Over the years, the dynamic became draining. She was self-centered and talked over me constantly. Because I am a severe people-pleaser who panics at the thought of conflict, I never confronted her. Instead, I kept accepting her invitations while internally resenting the dynamic.
2. The Relationship and The Venting
A year ago, I met my first love (let's call her Asha). They eventually became close. During my relationship with Asha, she and other friends asked why I still hung out with Laura if she annoyed me. I weakly defended it by saying, "I'm just always invited, she's just a bit annoying because she talks too much, it's not like I exclusively seek her out." This was a mistake—I was venting my frustrations about a friend to my partner instead of addressing them directly with the friend.
3. The Breakup and The Betrayal
Three months ago, Asha and I broke up brutally. She called me selfish, said I never learn from my mistakes, and moved on with another guy a month later.
In a move that felt incredibly vindictive, Asha took everything I had ever privately confided or vented to her about Laura and told Laura exactly what I said. She essentially weaponized my private complaints to blow up my childhood friendship.
4. The Group Chat & The TikTok Smear Campaign
Weeks after the breakup, I attended a group hangout while severely depressed, trying not to make things awkward. The vibe was completely off, and I later found out the friend group had created an alternative group chat that deliberately excluded only me. This triggered severe middle-school trauma where a past group had done the exact same thing to bully me.
When Laura persistently reached out to "be there for me," I panicked, shut down, and honestly told her: "I'm sorry, but I can't trust you guys right now after finding out about the exclusive group chat."
Laura completely crashed out, denied it, made herself the victim, and went radio silent. Recently, I discovered an alternate TikTok account of hers where she has posted a multi-part, highly dramatic poetry series publicly painting me as a horrible, fake friend who used her and talked behind her back, while framing herself as a tragic martyr.
Where I am at now:
I am completely isolated. I even left a completely separate, smaller friend group just because one member still hangs out with Asha, and I am terrified of Asha getting updates on my life.
My ex's words and Laura's public posts are haunting me. I am trapped in a loop of deep guilt, feeling like I am a fundamentally broken person who doesn't deserve to be alive. I recognize my mistake: my fear of saying "no" led to passive dishonesty and talking behind a friend's back. But the punishment—losing everyone, being betrayed by my ex, and being publicly shamed on social media—feels totally disproportionate.
My trust in humans is at absolute zero. I don't know how to heal, I can't look at my past mistakes objectively without spiraling, and I don't know how I'll ever make friends or trust a partner again as an adult.
Any advice or perspective would be deeply appreciated.

OP Notes: yes this is AI generated, I initially went to AI to chat and explain everything about my story in a completely jumbled ways, went through multiple tangents, i figured that the best way for a human to read this was to make the AI make the story about the whole situation more concised. So there's that. It's still a true story from my experience