r/BPDPartnerSupport

Good morning!

Today I want to discuss the DBT Skill "DEAR MAN"

I was taught this pretty early on with DBT, but never really found a proper chance to use it.
I actually recently had a great chance to use this skill and overall it was pretty effective; At least I think that it was effective.

To set the stage my girlfriend and I had a day planned with some potential schedule overlapping.
To give a very brief summary of what transpired -
Basically I had some things to do in the morning and she did as well.
These two had the potential to completely overlap if I wasn't fast with what I needed to do.
I took a break from what I needed, but she didn't recognize that is what I was doing.
Then there is another overlap next week between two things we need to do, but I communicated mine far in advance and she forgot she needed to do something.

So with the first issue when I was finally done with everything she came across as accusatory towards me.
Basically "you said x" and "you did y".
This put me in a defensive state, because wdym? I intentionally did everything I said I was going to and it was YOU that didn't do your part when I took that break.
Now I could've had better communication, but I digress.

The second issue - A week or so ago I told her that next Monday I have to do something at noon. It can take up to 3 hours to get it done and I asked her if this was fine. She confirmed it was and all was happy in the world. Yesterday she informs me that she has something at the same exact time. Obviously this is now a conflict, because well I have something as well.

We are currently sharing my car, because her car is out of commission atm due to a wreck. So this is why these scheduling conflicts are important to navigate together.

I shockingly ended up having a DBT session yesterday right at the moment of all this tenseness - So it worked out.
My therapist reminded me of "DEAR MAN" and we practiced how I would approach it and how it would work.

So what is "DEAR MAN"?
I like to think of "DEAR MAN" as a way to assert yourself in a situation without becoming hostile or a doormat.

D - Describe the situation -

• Yesterday we had a lot of tension because of overlapping schedules.

E - Express your emotions -

• This made me feel like I was being blamed for the overlap even tho I felt like I was working extremely hard to be flexible in that situation.

A - Assert what you want -

• I do not want there to be any accusatory statements towards me whenever you're frustrated about things. It's okay to be upset, but I really want you to use "I" statements instead of "you" statements.

R - Reward -

• As long as there isn't any accusations thrown around I am able to maintain my composure and not get dysregulated. This will help us both have a much easier time communicating and solving the problems as a team instead of as enemies.

I don't really use the "MAN" portion, because a well-articulated "DEAR" can encapsulate "MAN" by itself imo.
In that moment yesterday I genuinely just wanted to run away.
I felt like I was being attacked for something I literally didn't do and it felt unfair.
So my knee-jerk in that moment is to just bounce, because fk it.
My therapist ultimately helped guide me to instead assert myself.

The outcome was one that worked for both of us and brought the communication back to a neutral place. Which now we can actually work together on things instead of me shutting down or her shutting down.

I've recommended "DEAR MAN" a few times on here, but here is a live example of how I executed it and the ultimate outcome.

I’m away with my boyfriend and his family. Normally I really like being around his dad’s side of the family and they make me feel welcome, they know I have mental health struggles but i definitely don’t consider anyone here (other than my boyfriend) a safe person to breakdown to.

I’ve had ongoing issues with my boyfriend’s mum. I find her very condescending and I often come away from interactions with her feeling judged, small and like I’m below her and her family. There have been a few specific incidents that have really hurt me and have stayed with me throughout our relationship. I try really hard not to let my feelings show and I make an effort with her because she is my boyfriend’s mum (i’m also not a dick and do recognise people have so many layers to them and she in some aspects is a great mother) but I do genuinely struggle with how she treats me and I have struggled to accept certain things that happened in my partners childhood because of her choices. Unfortunately I got drunk two days ago and whilst discussing something in their childhood I referred to her as a cunt (Saturday morning I fully apologised for this as I should never have said that, there are far better ways to have put what I was feeling)

Today my boyfriend and I had a completely ordinary disagreement about shopping. His mum offered to pick some shopping up for us while we’re away, and I said I thought it would actually be easier for us to do our full food shop online when we get home rather than have to make a list for her, collect it after a long drive, put it away, and then do another shop later in the week (friday). We couldnt come to an agreement and I then just said for him to do whatever he feels is right but if there does need to be a second shop done, i’m not wasting my time doing it as i’ve voiced what I think is right ( i think fair and im working on putting in place boundaries and knowing when to just remove myself from a situation)
It turned into him telling me that I clearly have a problem when it comes to his mum and he’s told her not to get the shopping. I then had what felt like the beginning of a panic attack while we were out with his family. Partner kept asking if i was okay in public when we both clearly know I am not and we both know what the start of a meltdown/breakdown/freak out (whatever you know it is) looks like. I managed to stop it from becoming a full panic attack, but I’ve basically been holding myself together ever since. Honestly I feel like I’ve had to switch all emotions off and just get the mask on and act how I think everyone else wants me to act while my insides are screaming that we’re going to break.

Once home I admitted that I do have a problem with his mother, especially because of things she has said to me (about me) that I just don’t think are right and are not her place to comment on. (Comments about my diet, how many vegetables i eat?? How low my dose of antidepressants are and that its surely just a placebo effect??) (just fucking bizarre things to say to someone you barely know imo)
I told him that I try really hard not to let it affect things, but my experiences with her genuinely leave me feeling judged and small. He became defensive of her and I ended up feeling incredibly alone and misunderstood. He had an answer for everything when I don’t think they require an explanation. What she has said to me is not right and is frankly none of her business. He also at the time of all of these incidents fully supported me in private and agreed how weird the behaviours were which i think makes this feel worse as obviously now I’ve admitted there’s an issue, its kind of like he’s refusing to see my side anymore?

I’m now completely exhausted as we were out for 3 hours after this whole thing happened and i’ve had to contain everything until now. I’m crying constantly and feeling like I’m going to explode. He tried to comfort me and I told him not to touch me (in my mind reasonably as i’ve just cried to you about how shit your mother makes me feel and you’ve shot down every experience I lived through and felt. So no, i dont want to cuddle it better) and he then walked out and I have said I hate him (which i dont, i hate that he cant understand how I feel)

The hardest part is that I now feel trapped. I’ve said im napping to give myself some time but i don’t know how I can go back downstairs and act like im not on the verge of crisis and i also cant stay up here like a fucking freak.
I want to split. I want to scream, cry, break down, say everything I’m thinking and just let the whole thing out. I feel like if I could just have the meltdown, get it out of my system and be allowed to fall apart, I could breathe again.
But I’m away with his family. I’m not in my own home. I don’t feel emotionally safe enough around anyone here to completely lose control, and I don’t want them to see me at my worst. I don’t want everyone to think im some sort of uncontrollable monster.
So instead I’m sitting alone in a bedroom trying desperately to contain everything.
And I know I shouldn’t want to split or blow everything up. I know that wouldn’t actually solve anything. But it is so hard to contain all of this when it feels like my entire body is screaming for release.

I’m also scared that this says something awful about me. That maybe I’m just not meant to be around people. That I ruin relationships. That I’m too much. I know those thoughts aren’t necessarily true, but they feel incredibly convincing when I’m this overwhelmed.

I have messaged my mum, who is my safe person, and she has been really supportive. She’s currently at work so I can’t physically be with her.
I’m safe right now and I don’t have anything around me that I could seriously hurt myself with. I’m not looking for instructions or anything like that. I think I just need people who understand this feeling of wanting to completely lose control while also trying desperately to stay in control. (Fucking war of my life)
How do you get through that feeling when you can’t safely have the meltdown?

I don’t need anyone to tell me whether my boyfriend’s mum is objectively awful or whether I’m objectively right. I just need some support and maybe reassurance that I’m not completely fucking broken for feeling like this. I’m alone in this room, crying, and I just really need someone to remind me that this feeling will pass. I recognise I am unstable in this moment and could definitely blow over any little thing so this room just feels like the safest place to keep myself but I also don’t know how to make these feelings pass while avoiding everyone is giving me so much anxiety.

Sorry this is so long. TLDR - want to split so I can just let the emotions OUT but not somewhere I feel safe to let anything out really so kinda in a metaphorical mental prison of partner’s family guest room