u/i-swear-i-willlnever

I’m away with my boyfriend and his family. Normally I really like being around his dad’s side of the family and they make me feel welcome, they know I have mental health struggles but i definitely don’t consider anyone here (other than my boyfriend) a safe person to breakdown to.

I’ve had ongoing issues with my boyfriend’s mum. I find her very condescending and I often come away from interactions with her feeling judged, small and like I’m below her and her family. There have been a few specific incidents that have really hurt me and have stayed with me throughout our relationship. I try really hard not to let my feelings show and I make an effort with her because she is my boyfriend’s mum (i’m also not a dick and do recognise people have so many layers to them and she in some aspects is a great mother) but I do genuinely struggle with how she treats me and I have struggled to accept certain things that happened in my partners childhood because of her choices. Unfortunately I got drunk two days ago and whilst discussing something in their childhood I referred to her as a cunt (Saturday morning I fully apologised for this as I should never have said that, there are far better ways to have put what I was feeling)

Today my boyfriend and I had a completely ordinary disagreement about shopping. His mum offered to pick some shopping up for us while we’re away, and I said I thought it would actually be easier for us to do our full food shop online when we get home rather than have to make a list for her, collect it after a long drive, put it away, and then do another shop later in the week (friday). We couldnt come to an agreement and I then just said for him to do whatever he feels is right but if there does need to be a second shop done, i’m not wasting my time doing it as i’ve voiced what I think is right ( i think fair and im working on putting in place boundaries and knowing when to just remove myself from a situation)
It turned into him telling me that I clearly have a problem when it comes to his mum and he’s told her not to get the shopping. I then had what felt like the beginning of a panic attack while we were out with his family. Partner kept asking if i was okay in public when we both clearly know I am not and we both know what the start of a meltdown/breakdown/freak out (whatever you know it is) looks like. I managed to stop it from becoming a full panic attack, but I’ve basically been holding myself together ever since. Honestly I feel like I’ve had to switch all emotions off and just get the mask on and act how I think everyone else wants me to act while my insides are screaming that we’re going to break.

Once home I admitted that I do have a problem with his mother, especially because of things she has said to me (about me) that I just don’t think are right and are not her place to comment on. (Comments about my diet, how many vegetables i eat?? How low my dose of antidepressants are and that its surely just a placebo effect??) (just fucking bizarre things to say to someone you barely know imo)
I told him that I try really hard not to let it affect things, but my experiences with her genuinely leave me feeling judged and small. He became defensive of her and I ended up feeling incredibly alone and misunderstood. He had an answer for everything when I don’t think they require an explanation. What she has said to me is not right and is frankly none of her business. He also at the time of all of these incidents fully supported me in private and agreed how weird the behaviours were which i think makes this feel worse as obviously now I’ve admitted there’s an issue, its kind of like he’s refusing to see my side anymore?

I’m now completely exhausted as we were out for 3 hours after this whole thing happened and i’ve had to contain everything until now. I’m crying constantly and feeling like I’m going to explode. He tried to comfort me and I told him not to touch me (in my mind reasonably as i’ve just cried to you about how shit your mother makes me feel and you’ve shot down every experience I lived through and felt. So no, i dont want to cuddle it better) and he then walked out and I have said I hate him (which i dont, i hate that he cant understand how I feel)

The hardest part is that I now feel trapped. I’ve said im napping to give myself some time but i don’t know how I can go back downstairs and act like im not on the verge of crisis and i also cant stay up here like a fucking freak.
I want to split. I want to scream, cry, break down, say everything I’m thinking and just let the whole thing out. I feel like if I could just have the meltdown, get it out of my system and be allowed to fall apart, I could breathe again.
But I’m away with his family. I’m not in my own home. I don’t feel emotionally safe enough around anyone here to completely lose control, and I don’t want them to see me at my worst. I don’t want everyone to think im some sort of uncontrollable monster.
So instead I’m sitting alone in a bedroom trying desperately to contain everything.
And I know I shouldn’t want to split or blow everything up. I know that wouldn’t actually solve anything. But it is so hard to contain all of this when it feels like my entire body is screaming for release.

I’m also scared that this says something awful about me. That maybe I’m just not meant to be around people. That I ruin relationships. That I’m too much. I know those thoughts aren’t necessarily true, but they feel incredibly convincing when I’m this overwhelmed.

I have messaged my mum, who is my safe person, and she has been really supportive. She’s currently at work so I can’t physically be with her.
I’m safe right now and I don’t have anything around me that I could seriously hurt myself with. I’m not looking for instructions or anything like that. I think I just need people who understand this feeling of wanting to completely lose control while also trying desperately to stay in control. (Fucking war of my life)
How do you get through that feeling when you can’t safely have the meltdown?

I don’t need anyone to tell me whether my boyfriend’s mum is objectively awful or whether I’m objectively right. I just need some support and maybe reassurance that I’m not completely fucking broken for feeling like this. I’m alone in this room, crying, and I just really need someone to remind me that this feeling will pass. I recognise I am unstable in this moment and could definitely blow over any little thing so this room just feels like the safest place to keep myself but I also don’t know how to make these feelings pass while avoiding everyone is giving me so much anxiety.

Sorry this is so long. TLDR - want to split so I can just let the emotions OUT but not somewhere I feel safe to let anything out really so kinda in a metaphorical mental prison of partner’s family guest room

bit of a long one. My partner works a lot, does 12 hour shifts 4 times a week ( 1.5hr is over time per day) and then 6 hour 2x a week( both overtime). He also goes to the gym for 1.5 hours per day (meaning he’s not home from 6am-8pm most days). Days he has a rest day from the gym he walks his mother’s dog after work. This practically leaves a Saturday after 12pm and a Sunday. Sunday is our house clean day. Sorry if this is confusing, I’ve basically tried to communicate to him that every day and almost every hour is accounted for in his week. This leaves very little room for me, the time we do spend together is 9pm -12am but he often can’t stay awake past 10pm. I work 24hr shifts on average 10 per month so I am physically not here 1/3 of the month. I am not guaranteed weekends off and often work sat or fri&sun as i follow an on/off shift pattern. Essentially I miss the days that he would have time for me. I have raised this issue so many times, I’ve suggested a change in routine (maybe moving the gym to the weekend and coming home after 12hrs if we know im only home on the Saturday that week). He tells me there is absolutely no way he can change his routine. I often keep my weekend days free as I know that is our only real chance to spend time together. I’m worried about feeling like I just live here rather than having a home with my partner. He argues this is adult life, I argue it’s a difference in priorities and that he has the ability to make more time for me if he wanted to spend more time together.

I am a very social and connected person, he likes alone time and clearly doesn’t feel the gap between us like I do. I feel quite isolated. I moved in with him and I’m currently 40 minutes away from my hometown, friends and family. I’m also struggling because I don’t think the home responsibilities are shared very equally as obviously he isn’t here most of the time. So I am the person who notices when things need doing and notice more so when things aren’t done. I expressed to my mother (my support system) the other day that I sometimes wish I’d just got my own place as honestly what would be different and at least it would be mine (this house is his).

I feel it is always me who compromises, i even suggested I join the same gym so that we can sort of parallel play ? I think thats the term? Like just be doing our own thing together. I sometimes walk his mothers dog with him. obviously I am the person who’s lacking the connection and feeling it more. I know I should stop making myself so available but I am the one who’s left feeling crappy when we haven’t had that quality time together so why would I do something that ultimately will make me feel worse? I know I’m realistically setting myself up for the hurt when he doesn’t compromise in return but I am worried the relationship will fall apart if I feel like the gap is getting bigger.

Do you think this is just adult life? Do you think what I’m asking is unreasonable? I know he can’t drop everything and that the gym is something he really enjoys and deserves to have something for him in his life. Not being home 6am-8pm makes me feel like he has no reason to be home, but he does? He has a partner at home wanting to spend quality time together? He’s very money driven and just wants to work so he can earn as much as possible. I think there’s so much more to life and quality time is priceless. I would rather live within my means and have the time to actually enjoy life and do more than clock in and clock out every day of the week.

I don’t know if I come across like I sit at home and twiddle my thumbs waiting for him. I am also very busy, I spend a lot of time with friends and family and will go home to visit 3+ times a month. I like doing gardening, doing my hair & make up, scrapbooking. I sometimes go to the gym and want to get back into it properly but even then I still think I’d feel the gap. He comes in at 8, we eat, tidy up, he showers and we chat for a bit and then tv goes on and he’s out like a light. I’m just struggling with this at the moment, unsure if its bpd emotion, rational that I feel it, unchangeable or my partner refusing to meet me in the middle.

bit of a long one. My partner works a lot, does 12 hour shifts 4 times a week ( 1.5hr is over time per day) and then 6 hour 2x a week( both overtime). He also goes to the gym for 1.5 hours per day (meaning he’s not home from 6am-8pm most days). Days he has a rest day from the gym he walks his mother’s dog after work. This practically leaves a Saturday after 12pm and a Sunday. Sunday is our house clean day. Sorry if this is confusing, I’ve basically tried to communicate to him that every day and almost every hour is accounted for in his week. This leaves very little room for me, the time we do spend together is 9pm -12am but he often can’t stay awake past 10pm. I work 24hr shifts on average 10 per month so I am physically not here 1/3 of the month. I am not guaranteed weekends off and often work sat or fri&sun as i follow an on/off shift pattern. Essentially I miss the days that he would have time for me. I have raised this issue so many times, I’ve suggested a change in routine (maybe moving the gym to the weekend and coming home after 12hrs if we know im only home on the Saturday that week). He tells me there is absolutely no way he can change his routine. I often keep my weekend days free as I know that is our only real chance to spend time together. I’m worried about feeling like I just live here rather than having a home with my partner. He argues this is adult life, I argue it’s a difference in priorities and that he has the ability to make more time for me if he wanted to spend more time together.

I am a very social and connected person, he likes alone time and clearly doesn’t feel the gap between us like I do. I feel quite isolated. I moved in with him and I’m currently 40 minutes away from my hometown, friends and family. I’m also struggling because I don’t think the home responsibilities are shared very equally as obviously he isn’t here most of the time. So I am the person who notices when things need doing and notice more so when things aren’t done. I expressed to my mother (my support system) the other day that I sometimes wish I’d just got my own place as honestly what would be different and at least it would be mine (this house is his).

I feel it is always me who compromises, i even suggested I join the same gym so that we can sort of parallel play ? I think thats the term? Like just be doing our own thing together. I sometimes walk his mothers dog with him. obviously I am the person who’s lacking the connection and feeling it more. I know I should stop making myself so available but I am the one who’s left feeling crappy when we haven’t had that quality time together so why would I do something that ultimately will make me feel worse? I know I’m realistically setting myself up for the hurt when he doesn’t compromise in return but I am worried the relationship will fall apart if I feel like the gap is getting bigger.

Do you think this is just adult life? Do you think what I’m asking is unreasonable? I know he can’t drop everything and that the gym is something he really enjoys and deserves to have something for him in his life. Not being home 6am-8pm makes me feel like he has no reason to be home, but he does? He has a partner at home wanting to spend quality time together? He’s very money driven and just wants to work so he can earn as much as possible. I think there’s so much more to life and quality time is priceless. I would rather live within my means and have the time to actually enjoy life and do more than clock in and clock out every day of the week.

I don’t know if I come across like I sit at home and twiddle my thumbs waiting for him. I am also very busy, I spend a lot of time with friends and family and will go home to visit 3+ times a month. I like doing gardening, doing my hair & make up, scrapbooking. I sometimes go to the gym and want to get back into it properly but even then I still think I’d feel the gap. He comes in at 8, we eat, tidy up, he showers and we chat for a bit and then tv goes on and he’s out like a light. I’m just struggling with this at the moment, unsure if its bpd emotion, rational that I feel it, unchangeable or my partner refusing to meet me in the middle.

Hi, I’ve recently realised that I can use Reddit rather than just lurk here😂 so I’m posting/commenting on everything!!

I feel like I’ve always thought the whole point of recovery is that eventually it will feel less painful. I am at the point where I can somewhat manage my emotions and I can stop myself lashing out. Even when I split now, it still feels somewhat contained to how I’ve previously been. However, on the inside it all just feels the same? It’s the same level of intensity, the same sensations in my body and the same crippling emotions I’ve always had. Just I cry for hours instead of being angry on the outside

Because I’m more in control, I’m definitely experiencing the intense emotions less because situations don’t spiral out of hand as fast anymore. That’s great! But when something particularly difficult comes up, its like square 1 emotionally. I’m worried for my future, I know I have so many hard things to face (death, loss, stress, health problems etc, life is full of ups and downs). I struggle to see how I can live a “normal” life if my emotions are always going to be this huge.

So basically, I was wondering if anyone would share, how long have you been in therapy or actively trying to recover? Has anyone reached remission and how would you describe it feeling?And have you felt like your emotional intensity has decreased at all?? Honestly I just want to be realistic about where recovery leads at this point, I just want to know if it gets easier for me on the inside

Basically I’ve asked my partner a few times to play horror games whilst I watch. I am not a gamer (although we occasionally play games like split fiction and it takes two) (i feel I should add this is something i do more so for him as he wants to game together and my gaming skills and interest are so limited) and he loves games. I really like watching games but i really struggle to play them, im quite a defeatist😂 (is this a bpd thing??). I also love horror so thought this would be a really nice thing to share. He tells me horror games arent his thing and its left.

Fast forward to now and he’s messaged me telling me about this “scary as fuck” game he’s playing with friends. We called earlier I can hear him being genuinely afraid and I’m jealous. I suggest that we could start our own save and offer to get all our chores done so after work this week we could have like a gaming date where we can sit together and enjoy the game. His response was “this isnt a game id play single player” i questioned why and he said “its scary as fuck and better with a team”.

I’m quite far into recovery and have used my skills to explain that I’m hurt and that this is something I asked for previously. I know he’s trying and honestly probably is terrified of setting me off (I am hoping I won’t be set off because I am in control of my actions, less so in control of my emotions). He replies “i hear you and im sorry, this isn’t something I would normally like but it won’t be fun single player, this is fun as a group”.

Do you think i’m insane that this response has made me feel worse? “I hear you and im sorry but I’m still not compromising” is all I hear in this. I’m really hurt, quite angry and frustrated. Do you think I’m being unfair in this situation?

I find it so hard being in a relationship as I am always 100%, I always make time for my partner, I always prioritise them and the gap is felt so much more when it’s not returned. We have been together 2 years, we have a really strong relationship in all honesty. I just feel like I always do the emotional work (planning,considering,monitoring, wanting to share experiences etc) and he doesn’t seem to realise it. This has been an ongoing problem in the relationship where I’ve not felt prioritised (far deeper reasons than this so unsure if this is an old wound being triggered??)

So sorry for all the rambling. It’s so hard trying to understand a mind and emotions that at times just make no sense at all. I also appreciate you are only seeing a snippet of whats going on and then trying to advise/support me. I just want to know if anyone like understands why I feel how I do? Would you feel the same? Do you think its silly? Does it matter if you think it’s silly when it’s me who’s affected?

God I wish there was an off button!!!!!!!!

Update : he messaged and suggested a different horror game to try together!! Without me doing anything!!! So super happy right now!! PROGRESS PEOPLE, PROGRESS!!!

Hi, i’ve been diagnosed with BPD for 5 years now, I’ve been struggling with my mental health for 15🤮 I’m quite far into recovery, I’ve attended therapy groups, complete the BPD work booklet, completed dbt therapy and was in standard therapy until May this year.

How do you cope? How do you stop feeling like the world has done you such an injustice? I’m so overly emotional (no surprise there) but every time I have to use my coping skills, try to calm my mind, stop myself spiralling or honestly feel any hint of bpd level emotions, I then get so upset that this is my life.

I have a wonderful life. A truly beautiful life and I know that younger me would never believe that we’re alive, let alone all the amazing things we’ve done or how many people genuinely love and appreciate us. I’m so far from where I was at 11/13/15/18/21 (significant ages in the journey for me), yet I’ve time I struggle, it’s like I’m recounting every single battle I’ve ever faced.

I’m just wondering if anyone understands and if anyone has any advice on how to accept this part of the disorder? I can’t spend my whole life grieving a life without BPD, I will never fully recover if I keep breaking my own heart reminding myself that if I didn’t have BPD i’d be managing better, I’d probably not even be upset/angry in the first place because things wouldnt feel so gigantic