r/ClusterBPersonality

Share your experience as someone diagnosed with BPD, ASPD and NPD or comorbidities between these disorders.
It can be socially or internally, generally how it impacts you or others.

I want this post to be very open, share anything you deem like experiences influenced by your personality disorder.

I am BPD (no fear of abandonment )+ NPD (do not have apparent low self esteem) + suspected ASPD

I've had a few relationships with other cluster bs both online and offline both platonic and sexual.

Offline I've met a handful of borderlines whom I felt were incredibly needy and annoying, and I get it I can be needy too, but I don't feel like I act a fool about it... Both online and offline, with other BPDs I find them too sadly and anxiously emotional, they seem to wear their hearts on their sleeves, and I despise being asked for constant reassurance.

Offline I've been involved with 2 ASPD. And online 2 others. All these relationships have been sexual. And I tend to prefer the emotional intensity. But they seem to get bored of me after awhile... Or decided that we are mutually abusive and leave.

I've only had friendships with NPDs online and it's always a hit or miss. I can get very jealous or envious or paranoid of them.

I've met 1 hpd online and he was extremely annoying 🤷🏽‍♂️

So I’ve been diagnosed with BPD, I’m a trans man, I seriously think my potential personality disorder has been brushed over because of my gender identity. I believe I do have a cluster B disorder. I lack empathy, I have manipulative behaviors to get what I want, and I just see people as tools to get what I want. I’ve harmed animals as a child and teen, I’ve seriously thought and planned homicide. I don’t feel any guilt about anything I’ve done but I know by logic and analysis of people’s behavior and thinking (to the best I can) that it’s wrong but I can’t seem to feel sorry, ashamed or guilty about anything I’ve done. I don’t consider myself as better than anyone, I just don’t care, but when I do a favor to someone I expect something, at least gratitude and if I don’t get anything in return I just get this feeling of anger, frustration and hate, and do everything I can to ruin their relationships therefore their mental.
I know all of this is wrong and despicable but I can’t seem to bring myself to feel sorry for doing any of this.
I’m going to see a psychiatrist soon, still, it would be great to have insight from people who’ve been diagnosed on my situation, it’s a way for me to know where to start.

People who’ve been diagnosed with ASPD what are symptoms that are not talked about enough that you experience ?

I’ve recently have analyzed myself because of recent events and overall just analyzing how my actions a bit more than I did before. But I’ve started to realise I don’t really care about anything or anyone and yes that includes myself.

I care about other people to an extent but on a logical standpoint more than anything. When people around me get emotional or are going through a hard time a part of me feels bad for them because they’re my friend or family member but especially when people cry it makes me uncomfortable and I just want it to stop because it’s annoying. Listening to others is almost a bore unless it affects me in someway.

I realise I probably sound like a shitty person which is why I don’t really tell people. But it came to me really realizing I was masking concern or empathy when I really couldn’t care less most of the time and just am indifferent to everything. And my family have repeatedly over the years have told me I don’t care about them and only care about myself, and now I’m starting to think they might be onto something. I do care because they are my family and I care for them in my own way but at the same time could care less because it’s all annoying and bothersome and I don’t wanna be apart of it and just stay in my bubble.

I also realized I have a lot in common with a friend of mine who has aspd, we bond over similar traits and feelings and he himself was like “you need to work on your cognitive empathy” that’s when I knew I was cooked 💀 I’m not the best at masking how I feel anymore because I just stopped caring but I still try because I know it will make me seem like a bad person and I’ll lose everyone in my life because I am aware I’m a terrible person to be around.

I’ve had these traits since I was a child, it used to be worse back then of course because I was going through abuse and didn’t have treatment or medication. I was aggressive towards people at school when they bothered me and also because I was being bullied, constantly had violent fantasies, was manipulative and deceitful, homicidal and suicidal, would find pleasure in luring ants on the ground with small food and crush them and make graves for them because I thought it was funny, and had a short shoplifting addiction because I just wanted to feel something other than boredom and emptiness.

My therapist asked me to really analyze myself and see who I am because I’m conflicted upon my apathy and the image I made even myself believe on being an empathetic person because I feel like I am but only when I need to be or if it’s logically really fucked up. But if someone starts talking to me about something stupid and they’re crying over it all I can think about is how I want them to shut up.

I don’t know who I am because it seems I didn’t only trick others but myself as well, or maybe I’m tricking myself again… who knows? If anyone reads this, what do you take from all of this? Cus I sure as hell don’t fucking know.