r/ExperiencedENM

Link: https://polyinthemedia.blogspot.com/2026/08/polyamory-in-news-all-over-and-upcoming.html

Hey guys I really just need to vent about something. I (38 F) have been ENM with my husband for almost a decade but we only started playing separately about 2 years ago.

Typically in my experiences I meet some cool people and we hook up on and off and it’s very casual and we text maybe once a month.

Recently I met a younger guy at a bar and initially I wasn’t interested because I felt he was too young for me, but I did give him my number for haha’s and we started texting. I tried to keep it chill and initially didn’t match his energy- he was texting me pretty much every day and complimenting me a lot. Over time I started to lean into it and realized he was a really cool dude and we had a lot in common.

Pretty soon we were texting all the time and talking on the phone. This has not been my experience with any other play partners. In my gut I felt hesitant about getting so close with someone but it felt good at the same time?

We finally had sex and it was really good. He showered me with more compliments and made me feel so sexy. We had sex again about 5 days later. Then more texting and phone calls. I was leaving for a trip this week and we got together one more time and of course had sex again. Everything seemed great but as soon as he left I felt this energy shift. No text afterward (which was very unlike him) and a day later I texted him about a movie he wanted me to watch and he took about 8 hours to respond (also very unlike him). Now he is just straight up ghosting me.

I feel so dumb because I think I let him get wayyy too close and I know better. I’m getting flashbacks of some of the fuckboys I dated in college. Love bomb, have sex, then bounce. I also think I made a mistake hooking up with someone young and immature. I thought he was mature for his age but this is soooo telling. I’m just really disappointed in myself.

Is this common in the ENM/poly “world”? Fairly new to it. Have had 3 experiences , short lived, with other married couples. Currently one couple lives far away and the scheduling is near impossible due to their schedules versus ours. I assumed it was basically they’re busy and have 3 kids to care for (true) but the one partner informed me they have a sex party (at a friend’s house) next weekend. I’m a bit envious and feeling disappointed darn it !
What I’ve come to is, if any person or couple is “too busy” to schedule something, theyre just not interested enough.
So, we go on the apps (Feeld and Swinger lifestyle) but its hard meeting anyone nearby. Weve been to the “clubhouse” once before - a little skeevy but.. its a way to meet other couples i suppose.
Suggestions??

According to John Hopkins university 50-80% of the population is estimated to have HSV-1. It’s so common that STI exams don’t test for it. It’s also nothing more than a skin infection. Lots of people have it and don’t even know it because they either never have or rarely have a cold sore. Literally more than half of the population has it. So if you are dating and kissing people, you should assume that they have it. I am one of those people who discloses early that I have it. I know from experience that most people never disclose it, or only do after I do first. I’m one of the responsible people who lets people know, it has never been an issue except once. Only once did a person decide not to date me because of it. This person freaked out because I forgot to tell her until after we hooked up. I didn’t have an outbreak or anything, I still haven’t had one and this experience was in December. Basically I let her know and she started saying I could have given her herpes, she was very upset. I apologized for forgetting to say anything before we got together, but I honestly didn’t think we would hook up on the first date. So I do own my mistake of not giving her informed consent. But again, most people have it and it’s not a big deal. So in my opinion, if you feel that strongly about it, you also have responsibility to ask. Anyway, she reported me to Feeld and I got a lifetime ban. They won’t give details of course, but I know it was her. So to me, the irony of the situation is that I am the person who discloses early, more than anyone I have met even. But I have now been banned, “For the safety of Feeld users.” She would have never known I had it if I hadn’t told her. So I actually got banned because I did disclose. End of rant.

First of all, please be kind. I’m in a genuinely weird and vulnerable place and would really like some perspectives. I feel like I keep running into the same wall and I’m starting to wonder if it’s just part of ENM or if I’m missing something.

I’m married and in an ENM/poly relationship. It’s been a little over four years. I’m not looking for one night stands. What I really want is an ongoing connection. Someone local that I genuinely enjoy talking to, seeing every week or two, texting here and there, building something comfortable over time.

The frustrating part is that I have no problem getting to the point of meeting people. I am not bragging in saying this but for context, I have been told that I am very attractive, educated, emotionally self aware. I have a career, hobbies, a great marriage and a full life. I don’t think I’m lacking in things to offer. Men on apps want to talk to me and I get a lot of attention.

What keeps happening is this:

We’ll spend a week or two building an incredible connection via text. Great conversations. Flirting. Vulnerability. Curiosity. Lots of effort from both sides. We finally meet. The date is amazing. We have sex. We cuddle. We talk afterward. Everything feels intimate and promising.

Then… it’s like someone flips a switch.

The next day or two, the communication becomes noticeably different. Not necessarily less frequent but less warm. Less curious. More logistical. The emotional richness just disappears.

I don’t need someone blowing up my phone all day. I honestly couldn’t care less if we only exchanged one thoughtful text a day. Intention, you know?

What I’m looking for is continuity.

For me, sex makes me feel more emotionally connected to someone, not less. I come away wanting to know them even more. It feels like the beginning, not the finish line.

Instead, I keep ending up feeling like once we’ve had sex, the pursuit is over and everything settles almost immediately into “How was work?” and “Going camping this weekend” on the guy’s end.

The latest guy actually told me my expectations were unrealistic when I brought this up. From my perspective, I wasn’t asking for more texting. I was asking about the change in emotional tone. Those feel like two completely different conversations.

So I’m curious…

Is this just a common pattern in ENM? Is there something about novelty and pursuit that makes people naturally relax after sex?

Or am I simply attracted to people whose relationship style is fundamentally different from mine?

I’d especially love to hear from people who’ve built long term quality secondary relationships or ongoing partners. Did the emotional connection continue to deepen after sex or did it naturally settle down right away?

Because I’m honestly getting exhausted. It feels like I keep mourning the loss of something that had barely even begun and I’m starting to question whether this style of dating is actually compatible with what I’m looking for.

My husband says that for a lot of men, something switches inside their mind once they’ve reached sex. He’s even admitted to falling into that pattern before unknowingly.

So what is it?

Thank you for your consideration. 🙏