r/GNCStraight

I sometimes see some people saying that they'd like to be more masculine (as a woman) or more feminine (as a man), and may even think of themselves as such, questioning if they're "really" GNC because their current presentation doesn't quite match that. Similarly, I've seen some men label themselves androgynous instead of feminine, not because they genuinely want to be more androgynous, but because they fear discrimination and harassment if they were to present more feminine. This is not to say that androgyny is somehow "less GNC" by itself, just that androgyny as compromise or proxy and androgyny for its own sake can be being quite different.

In a society that expects everyone to be either a woman or a man, and every woman to be conventionally feminine and every man to be conventionally masculine, many of us are unsurprisingly constrained by external circumstances and pressures and may find it harder to express our true selves. It's not that I've personally let those constrains deter me from expressing myself more freely, and to some extent, it's not really even practical for me to suppress every aspect of my gender non-conformity (e.g. deeply ingrained mannerisms). However, the very fact that I see the consequences first-hand, almost every day, makes it almost obvious for me as to why someone might make their gender non-conformity less visible, whether as an instinctive response to social pressure and discrimination, strategy, being in earlier stages of exploration, uncertainty, etc.

I do believe that whenever possible, it's best to not suppress yourself within a repressive status quo. At the same time, I don't think everyone's situation is the same, nor that the process of coming out would be identical for everyone. It's ultimately up to you to explore yourself and decide what and how much of it you wish to express to the world.

In any case, I don't think an appearance of "more" conformity means you are "less" non-conforming. You're not "less" GNC simply because you fear assault if you wear "women's clothes" in public. You're not "less" GNC simply because you're a teenage girl and your parents won't buy you that suit nor let you cut your hair short. The very fact that you might want those things, especially if persistently, might mean that your relationship to your gender doesn't quite conform to societies norms... wait... not conforming to gender norms... isn't that just gender non-conforming? Yes.

There's a difference between doing GNC things and being GNC, and so it's possible to be a feminine man who is conscripted into the military and is forced to present more masculine, while still being a feminine man, because that presentation isn't telling you that much about the person, just their circumstances. Ultimately, my point is that while more mainstream discussions of GNC are often about external presentation, it'd mischaracterize many of our experiences to assume that such presentation exists in a vacuum. You shouldn't have to wait for ideal circumstances before being able to recognize your unique relationship to your gender.

Lemme clarify this isn't all people, I'm just noticing this weird double standard where men are cool with tomboys (to a degree) but women seem to find feminine men threatening once they start dressing in skirts and dresses or wearing makeup. The reasoning is usually that it's humiliating for a man to dress feminine because femininity defined under the patriarchy is somehow like a punishment and not just a natural variation of human presentation. Femininity isn't high heels and corsets, it's soft, flowy, and graceful. It doesn't have to be restricting.

With discovering my own identity as a masculine woman I’m always down to watch videos on YouTube that discuss femininity and masculinity in larger society. A lot of the time though, it feels like we (people as a whole) can’t figure out if we want to expand the walls of what’s considered feminine and masculine; recognize that some of us have masculine or feminine traits regardless of gender; or get rid of the labels entirely.

For instance, in comment sections of videos talking about how femininity often gets policed by conservative white women and in general society, someone had mentioned how Katniss and Bella Swan used to be seen as tomboys simply because they didn’t wear pink or ultra feminine clothing, despite the fact that their behavior, personality, and mannerisms being still conventionally feminine (at least for Bella Swan; in Katniss’ case people argued that she didn’t have time to act feminine because she was focused on survival). And honestly, I do agree that even women who don’t exactly have any defining masculine traits will get labeled as such just because they aren’t stereotypically ultra feminine, and it can be ridiculous in certain cases. However, then I’ll still see people going and describing certain types of female characters as notably feminine (I.e. once in an analysis video distinguishing the aesthetic styles of the different Disney Princess, the woman in the video described “very feminine” as a part of Rapunzel’s aesthetic and fashion style) but I’ll be sitting there like, “what necessarily makes them more feminine than other female characters that they get to have ‘feminine’ outwardly mentioned as a trait?” So then I feel at a crossroads: do people ultimately want to stop policing what counts as feminine and conclude that womanhood is diverse, or still label certain behaviors, hobbies, and styles as “feminine”?

Another time, I saw people praising the movie Kpop Demon Hunters for having strong female protagonists who were feminine in the fact that they would get gushy about love, painted their nails & did their makeup, love fashion, like cute stuff, etc. So, this was another instance of some people implying that there are certain things that are more feminine than others. However, I realized that the Saja Boys did some of that stuff too in this movie (cared about fashion, painted their nails, & could act cute). Also, Huntr/X themselves don’t always act traditionally feminine as they can be aggressive, act wild, have a lack of “proper” manners, etc; so at this point what truly defines what is feminine or masculine? Also, when is someone feminine or masculine enough to be called a masculine or feminine man/woman/etc? I have yet to watch Arcane, but there was a post in this subreddit critiquing about a TikTok that was trying to argue about which all the ways Ambessa was feminine because they were uncomfortable with people seeing Ambessa as mainly masculine. I don’t know where I’m getting with this, but I feel like people sometimes see getting labeled as masculine or feminine in opposition to one’s own gender as an insult. And I totally understand why, as for years people will weapons the terms to shame men or women who don’t fit expectations, beauty standards, or roles forced upon them; but I feel like there barely any spaces for some people to say that they’re personally okay with identifying as a masculine woman or feminine man, admitting that they don’t fit conventional femininity or masculinity in some ways.

I feel like a lot of my confusion comes from the fact that feminine & masculine are used as another word for “womanly” or “manly”, but in reality, no woman or man is the same and many of us have traits that doesn’t fit what is expected. Nevertheless, we still use the terms, and it becomes confusing because we sometimes use it to refer to women or men and other times we use it to refer to stereotypical traits; but using the same word blurs the distinction between the two meanings.

I guess this relates to me because when people say that femininity should be about being confident as oneself and isn’t confined to bows, cuteness, softness, and dresses I’m like “yeah I guess I don’t need a label”; but other times I see people explaining how a character is feminine because of this, this, and this; and then I’m like “okay I guess should use the technical term ‘masculine woman’ to define my gender expression.” I know I’m describing this shitty, but it feels like a back and forth.