r/GeorgeCarlin

All I can say. Re-watching for the first time in a long time. Is MY GOD. Between politics and culture. This world NEEDS another George Carlin… but I don’t think there’s another one on the rise

🎤 [Walks out, grabs the mic, squints at the crowd]

Good evening, folks. Let’s talk about the news. Because the news is where they feed you fear, distraction, and horseshit, and you eat it up with a spoon. And I’m here to remind you: it’s all bullshit, and it’s bad for you.

So here’s one: a co‑pilot on a FlyDubai flight tries to crash the plane, stabs the captain, and the passengers tie him up with headphone cables. That’s your modern aviation safety system: Sony accessories. And Trump? He blames Iran. Of course he does. If a squirrel falls out of a tree in New Jersey, it’s Iran. Politicians love a scapegoat: keeps you scared, keeps the bombs flowing, keeps the defense contractors hard. And the best part? The passengers saved the day. Folks, if you’re flying in 2026, your life depends on whether the guy in 14B remembered to pack his Beats by Dre.

And Tennessee, God bless ’em, tried to kill a woman with lethal injection, twice, and she lived. Only in America do we screw up killing people. We can bomb brown people halfway across the world with a joystick, but we can’t get one woman to stop snoring on a gurney. And now they’re halting executions for the year. Good. Maybe next time they’ll try something humane, like a pillow fight. Or better yet, let her watch Congress for six hours; she’ll beg for the needle.

The Pentagon just announced a new command for autonomous killer robots. Killer robots! Finally, they admit what we all knew: they don’t want soldiers, they want PlayStation. War is now a video game, folks. And don’t worry, Elon Musk is on the advisory board. Great, the guy who can’t get Twitter to work is now in charge of death machines. Sleep tight. Pretty soon, wars will be fought entirely by drones, and the only casualty will be your Wi‑Fi connection.

And then you’ve got world leaders in Geneva patting themselves on the back for ‘historic progress’ on emissions. Historic progress means they signed a piece of paper and went out for cocktails. Meanwhile, the planet’s been through volcanoes, ice ages, and asteroid strikes. You think it’s worried about your plastic straws? The planet’s fine. The people are fucked. And the only thing these leaders are reducing is the size of their bar tab.

India beats Pakistan 4‑3 in hockey, and fans riot. Sports: the only place where nationalism is fun. India beats Pakistan, everyone cheers, and tomorrow they go back to hating each other for real. Bread and circuses, folks. Bread and circuses. Only now the bread is stale and the circus has a concussion protocol.

So there you have it: planes falling out of the sky, executions that don’t execute, robots that kill without coffee breaks, politicians saving the planet with cocktail napkins, and countries proving their manhood with hockey sticks. It’s all bullshit, folks. And it’s bad for you.

🎤 [Drops mic, walks off]

[It took me a while to get it right, I hope you all like it.]

Since you seemed to have liked my previous attempt here's the news for today.

Good evening folks. Another day, another pile of nonsense they call news. You know the drill. They scare you, distract you, and sell you detergent between disasters.

So the geniuses at the G7 decided to release a hundred million barrels of oil from emergency reserves. A hundred million. Because the planet’s melting and their solution is more gasoline. These people treat the environment like a barbecue. Throw another barrel on boys. They call it energy security. I call it arson with paperwork. And they’ll tell you it’s temporary. Yeah, temporary like your ex’s restraining order.

FlyDubai suspended flights to Tel Aviv after that co‑pilot tried to turn the cockpit into a knife fight. The guy used the crash axe. You know, the one that’s supposed to save you in an emergency. He was the emergency. And Trump blamed Iran again. Of course he did. If a pigeon shits on his limo, it’s Iran. The whole Middle East is one big scapegoat farm and we’re the farmers.

France is having student protests. Hundreds of schools closed, thousands of kids arrested. You know what they’re protesting. Everything. Tuition, climate, fascism, cafeteria food. Pick a cause, they’re mad about it. And the cops are beating teenagers like it’s a national sport. France loves revolutions. They just hate when they actually happen. The government says it’s about maintaining order. Yeah, nothing says order like tear gas in algebra class.

Spain’s got housing protests too. Rents doubled, grandma got evicted, and now half the country’s in the streets. Politicians say they’re working on solutions. Translation. They’re working on excuses. You ever notice governments always have a housing crisis but never a politician crisis. They never run out of those. Maybe we should start evicting them.

Russia’s still bombing bridges in Kyiv. Two in two days. At this point Putin’s not fighting a war. He’s playing SimCity with explosives. Every time a bridge goes down, he gets a high score. And the rest of the world just watches, sends thoughts and prayers, and maybe a strongly worded tweet. That’s modern diplomacy. Hashtags and hypocrisy.

Scientists say the way you speak might reveal early signs of brain aging. Great. So now every time I forget a word, I’m not tired, I’m dying. They say older sounding speech could mean dementia. You know what else it could mean. You’ve been listening to politicians too long. That’ll rot your brain faster than Alzheimer’s.

So there you have it. Oil spills disguised as solutions, pilots with axes, kids getting tear‑gassed for education, bridges exploding, and scientists telling you your accent’s a death sentence.

It’s all bullshit folks. And it’s bad for you.