r/Greyromantic

Only this year have I started to get introduced to community and greyromanticism. I relate to a lot. I had some major health issues in my 20's and was really focused on recovery, but I spent a lot of time focused on my grad studies, my close friendships, my family relationships, my hobbies and never really once thought about dating and romance. There were 2 people in my adult life that I felt a romantic attraction too but some health stuff got in the way of things progressing and also because I was not communicating about my lack of interest in sex. I think I had crushes on people when I was a teenager but I honestly don't really know what type of crushes those were.

I am now in my mid 30's and I feel so much internalized societal shame about never being in a romantic relationship before. I had started dating and met some really lovely people but there was no romantic attraction and it felt very friendly/and like something was missing. I don't need a strong emotional connection to feel romantic/sexual attraction based on those 2 past experiences. I just get so scared and upset that I can't seem to 'turn on' feelings for people that are lovely........ I experience romantic attraction so infrequently.

I also sometimes think I experience the pressure to date so that I can have a romantic relationship and not feel societal shame about never having had a romantic relationship...... and sometimes I'm not sure if I actually care about dating. I do want companionship and partnership and intimacy and I feel more inclined to build that up in friendships and community.

Sometimes I get so confused about what I want vs what I think I should want. I also sometimes don't know how to answer when people on dates ask about my previous relationship history. I also don't know what the fuck to do with this shame and it's also sad that there is this societeal shaming/presure thing. I dunno, I just feel alone.

Any solidarity or perspective would be appreciated. I don't even know somtimes if my experices fit the grey romantic descriptor or not... I have felt super confused recently.

Creo que podría ser gris romantico (por eso estoy aquí ) pero e tenido una vida romántica muy extraña o mejor dicho inexistente una chica se me declaro una vez y la rechaze era muy joven pero mientras más iba creciendo me dí cuenta de que me interesaban otras cosas y el romance quedaba en un segundo plano y a la larga ya ni me importaba paso con una chica que me gustaba pero luego se me pasó por así decirlo y medio me hice amigo de sus novios me gustaria poder enamorarme algún día pero hasta ahora no a llegado

I'm 22, he/they. It's been 6 years since I've come to the conclusion that I'm grayromantic. It was just a chill fact about me, like haha I don't really care about romance until I do. I promise this post is about this identity, so buckle up.

Then I had my first real relationship, I was over the moon, down bad, whatever you call it. Madly in love. Would do anything for her. After 3 years of a codependent dynamic, she broke up with me in the most traumatic way I could think of. A year and a half spent trying to get over it, relapsing in every way possible, thinking everyone I knew would abandon me for anything too.

I'm non-monogamous so I was already in another relationship when this happened, then another. I have C-PTSD, AvPD, bipolar, among other disorders, not a lot of close friends at the time, which meant I relied a lot on romantic relationships to be comfortable enough to vent about my life cause that was the closest thing I had to full transparency with another human being, along with doing therapy since I was 11. I haven't been single since my first relationship, and I still don't think I would be okay if that happened. Anyways, it was all toxic coping mechanisms both ways everytime and a major burnout and some psychotic breakdowns and so much stress and emergency mode that would take over my body for weeks because I was trying to fix them so I could keep them in my life. At least I thought that taking care of them and caring obsessively would guarantee it.

Then I finally met my current partner and now I have the first healthy relationship of my life. We've been together for 3 years, semi-long distance cause we live in the same state and that works for us. I love them so much. It was the first time someone made the first move and not me and the first time that someone didn't wanna see me as the one who did all the emotional labor. The first time someone showed me that they see me for who I am because we're so much alike and we like the same things and have almost the same opinion on everything, yet we still learn with each other every other day. They really set the bar real high for me in terms of what I seek in relationships.

As of the other ones, one ghosted me after a year and I remain friends with the other. It was hard to go through two break ups in one year and I was having a lot of bipolar episodes on top of that. But I made it through, cause I have a perfect partner and now I have amazing friends that I feel comfortable opening up to and talking to daily.

In the process of healing I downloaded a dating app and started looking for someone I could connect with. I would never really feel a true connection, sometimes nothing if I'm being honest. So as time passed, I wasn't really focusing so much on filling that gap in my chest, but still tried.

The thing is, after a most dates I would just think that I'm really not interested. Or I'd (not so) later realize that it just wouldn't work out. But it was the first time trying that in my life, so I just thought "yeah, that is expected, I'm gray-aro right? also it's a dating app."

But even though I'd like to meet someone special again, I really don't feel the need to anymore. And I know it's not working out for me. I don't know why I was still trying to make it happen when it just won't. At least not for a while now, and not when I chase it cause I know it happens naturally for me. And I think I'm realizing this a bit too late. I feel like I've been lying to myself and not respecting the way that things work for me, but everything was on autopilot for god knows how long. And right now I'm dealing with so much stuff that I thought I knew too well about myself but it turned out to be just some big fat lies O told myself, so I just don't know what to do. Waiting it out feels too obvious and painful, and I feel like I have some work to do, I'm just so confused.