Sunny with occasional sadness
TLDR summary: I talk about my experience of being greyromantic before I knew and now. I talk about ppl I have dated and what I wanted from that.
I always wanted a full-time partner that treated me kindly. One I felt like was on my team and I on hers. I think the thing I’ve always loved doing most with the people I’ve dated is *making* something together form the small like Thanksgiving dinner for guests to the large. I saw a partner as someone who I would make a home with, and when I was younger, make a family with. Having an intimate companion in doing or making something I wanted to have in my life, seemed the best of life experiences.
I *think* I’ve been in love a few times. They’ve also ended with them saying “I feel like we’re just really good friends.” Now I suspect my aromantic spectrum-dom means there’s something I don’t do or don't experience in the relationship that would help them feel loved/in love. This is why I wonder if I ever have been in love. Maybe I only felt something love-adjacent.
There is one I believed I loved who continued to see me as different than just good friends. They are poly, so I can't help but wonder if they got that "being held", or whatever it is I did not provide the others, from their primary relationship, so the absence of it from me was not missed.
Finding a partner who felt held by me is a puzzle I wanted to crack, because whatever I did feel, it was very nice! I want more of it and I want the feeling of being part of an emotionally intimate team.
Now that I understand some about aromanticism, I realize it may be beyond my ability. I will probably never be an astronaut (which I also long wanted). Why is this any different? In spite of all the wonder and joy I can have in my life experience, this one has me feeling sadder than any other closed door. Why is that?