r/Greyromantic

Okay, pretty much what it says on the tin.

So, for the longest time, I denied the idea that I'm aromantic. After all, I'm the hopeless romantic in my family. The one with the crushes. Falling in love with some pretty guy who stands out in class in a way that lasts either a few months or years.

But then, I decided to analyze each of my crushes. And I started to doubt whether they are as romantic as I had assumed.

For my first elementary school "crush" (unsure, really)--and this was the only time that I did so--I had a plan for how to get his affection. My first-grader mind went: I will befriend his friends, and his friends will end up liking me so much they'll have to recommend me to said crush. And then he'll be with me. The End.

But I had no real drive to actually go through with the dating part. I got a lot of guys who became my friends during elementary school though, and honestly, I was really cool with that. Of course, I would see guys who are good-looking, but I was totally fine with them being my playmates in the schoolyard and nothing more, really. Besides, I had homework, and dating was very discouraged in the household if I wanted a future.

Then fifth grade hit, and I suddenly had no friends, for no fathomable reason at all. No one would play with me. Worst year of my childhood ever.

My next crush was on someone new. Now, I know that's a verifiable crush, cause I knew the feelings towards him were different. I became obsessed with this guy. During middle school, I would look for him in the school hallways, then look away whenever I did see him. I would put him in every story I came up with as the love interest. I was so terrified that if he ever rejected me, I would actually fly off the parapet. So I ended up not telling him my feelings, but instead, telling most of my classmates.

Yes, dear God, I am a mess. Moving on.

That crush/obsession went on for years, but as these feelings persisted, they took on a less romantic nature (and more of a desire of being wanted by him), and was less based on the person himself, but on the idea of him that is quite divorced from reality. In my dreams, he is my confidante whenever I cried in the bathroom alone, wanting to shuffle off this mortal coil. He is my hero holding me in his arms as I gave my life for him in some fantasy world or battlefield in my daydreams. He is tormented. He is quiet and keeps to himself (the only part that is based on reality). Maybe we get married. Maybe we don't. The real version of him wears glasses, but I never remember this in my stories and daydreams. His eyes are dark, but I treat that as optional in my daydreams, making him blue-eyed or grey-eyed instead. But mainly so that said crush doesn't find out.

The next crush I am sure of was at first a high school rebound. I was trying to forget my middle school crush. But soon, I too became obsessed with the idea of this next crush that's also divorced from reality. He's someone who cares about me. He's someone who will save me from the crushing reality of the real world by inviting me into a dream realm in a forest. He can turn into a bear with blue fur and rainbow streaks. He is an inventor (the real guy wants to be an actor). Many times in my dreams, he is a villain, a traitor, a besotted man. The one that, if I ever fell to the dark side, would be trying to break me out of it by reminding me that I still have goodness inside. The one who I delude myself into thinking that I might still have a chance with if only he came back to me. After all, our classmates also assumed at times that we were together.

Except I don't want him to kiss me. Or touch me, except in platonic situations.

He is my friend. Someone I would do improv and acting with forever, in a variety of situations. I would write stories and direct films with him if our friendship was close enough to survive pandemics and time. If I didn't feel him slipping further and further away from me right before then. If he wasn't so off-putting sometimes (no sir, looking down at me in a creepy way is not how to pose for pictures!), or had really shitty handwriting.

He used to look at me in the warm afternoon sunlight like I was the only thing that mattered in the room we were in. I still hunger for someone to look at me like that.

And yet, I have a harder time remembering details about him. Not his birthday. Maybe his likes and dislikes. I don't really know him at all (I didn't really know my last crush either, but at least I was memorizing every detail about him I could find, from his birthday to the types of hoodies he'd wear to school--like I said, an obsession). And worse, I don't seem curious to find out. Just content with the fantasy of being wanted and chosen by him.

I tried to get new crushes afterward, but they never lasted long or were that strong to begin with. And they never seemed to be quite romantic. I never imagine going on dates with this person. Not the normal stuff like going to the movies or getting flowers and chocolates.

To be honest, I sometimes thought the whole dating scheme was a sham. If the rhetoric about "first base, second base" surrounding romance indicates anything, it would be that the couple in question is looking forward to being "a beast with two backs" (just to quote Shakespeare, since somehow mentioning sex on the Internet in a forward manner is making me uncomfortable). Anyway, so, if that's the case, why don't they just skip towards that part already? Why not be honest if that is what they truly desire? Why waste time with the dating part? Is that part of the process?

And whenever I see couples together in the flesh, they seem to exist in some kind of invisible bubble (I imagine it tinted pink for magical reasons) that is separate from the outside world. Somewhere where red hearts float around and roses bloom and all that jazz.

That's not to say that I don't like to see romance in media. Of course I do. But as a subplot, not the main plot. I usually avoid rom-coms like the plague because I couldn't handle the stress or the secondhand embarrassment. But I have read romances before, and they're so cute.

Well, now, I still have a hard time letting go of the crush I'd do improv with. Or at least the fantasy of him. We text sometimes with life updates, but I could tell that he does not feel the same way about me. But I honestly prefer it that way. I honestly don't think we'd survive more than a month as an actual couple, anyway.

But I still want to be wanted. I want to know what it means to be wanted but not hunted after. I'm told that's not the same thing as falling in love with someone.

IDK. I just ranted and raved on the Internet like an idiot, hoping for some answers. I think I'm ace, but sometimes I desire the pleasure of being known so badly, using certain crushes in mind, that I have to question whether or not that's also true. The desire still stems from the wanting to be wanted, just in a different way.

Maybe, like any Disney princess, I believed that a true love's kiss would make me feel better. Or get better. Even though logically, that's not true. At all.

I am so starved of touch. But I have so many friends and acquaintances now that I am much happier now than I was before.

I don't really understand myself. What do you think?

I'll preface this by saying I'm an adult and also asexual. This might be confusing to read for most people so I apologize in advance.

I used to identify as aromantic for a long time because it seemed to fit my experience the most. But lately I feel like I'm misusing that label and maybe it doesn't fit me anymore because it's defined as lack of romantic attraction. I'll explain below.

So I've never been in any relationship and I never experienced strong romantic feeling for real people. The best I can remember is some kind of crushes I had in childhood but it's hard to say at this point if they were even romantic or not. My memory of those years is hazy now to be honest. I grew up socially awkward and anxious so I related to fiction more than my peers. In teenage years I started becoming more interested in fictional characters than in any real people and it stayed that way. For years I first I used to ship them together without wanting to be involved myself. It gave me some sort of.. outlet for emotions I guess? But I wasn't even sure what romantic feelings were like, I felt like it was more of an exaggeration and I couldn't relate to romance songs and stuff like that because I haven't experienced it. I liked living vicariously through those characters though even if I didn't understand what it was. So I could still keep calling myself aromantic if this would stay this way but...

A few years ago I developed real serious feelings for one character from an interactive media. I felt infatuated the way people describe it for the first time in my life. Butterflies in my stomach, feeling happy/gushy as if I'm on drug, thinking about him 24/7 after waking up and going to sleep, thinking of us together and wanting to do all affectionate stuff and to be in monogamous relationship. It was easy to see it as relationship because of interactive media aspect. The strong infatuation faded after a year or so but some feelings still remain. Just more comforting now.. I cuddle with my body pillow and plushie and think of us being affectionate, it makes me feel safe and loved.

So I have experienced romantic feelings now. I can't say anymore that I haven't. The only issue is.. it's not for a real person. But I think that aromantic isn't a correct label for me anymore because of this. I'm not sure if this will ever happen again, it took years for me to develop anything serious even for a fictional character. It might have been once in a lifetime kind of thing, or maybe not. But regardless, I can experience romantic attraction to some extent?

I also sometimes have dreams with a limerence type of feeling for a dream character but it's gone after I wake up so I don't know if it counts. I don't think I could feel those feelings for real people to be honest... They just don't produce this response in me and real relationships feel more transactional than anything.

So I guess my question is: Is being greyromantic counts for fictional characters too or only for real people? Someone said that I could be just an allo because I experienced a romantic feeling but let's be real.. my experience is not very typical I would say. Most people would not understand me being exclusively in love with a character although having crushes on them is becoming more common.

I don’t experience romantic attraction very often and the few times I do it’s quite muted. Muted to the point where idk if I’m experiencing romantic attraction or alterous attraction. I’ve never really dated before. What do I tell people. For context I’m pansexual and greyromantic.

Most of the time I'm totally fine with the way I experience attraction. No sexual at all and romantic attraction is few and far between. Heck most of the time I don't even long for a romantic partner. I've got amazing friends, family, and a QPR partner. For the majority of my life, it's a feast of love and I'm satisfied.

But then the romantic radar will finally ping on someone and it brings The Longing. This deep gut wrenching twisting heart aching *pull* to be with that person and it HURTS. Because is that one single radar ping ever someone who's available or that I even know? No! The last 10 years it's exclusively been minor celebrities (and only three of them). And the way my gray-romantic radar works is that it won't just ping on someone once and move on, it gets stuck on them. For YEARS sometimes.

"There's plenty of fish in the sea!"

Yeah? Well what happens when your radar doesn't register fish as FISH. The ocean is a big wide empty space where everyone else sees all these potential connections. What happens when your radar only pings once in a rare couple years and then stays locked on that person? Despite there being absolutely no chance?

"Just get on the dating apps!"

Listen every queer allo friend of mind who's still single has struggled with the dating apps already. You think my nonbinary gray-ro ace ass stands a chance?? The likelihood of my radar actually pinging on someone who likes me back is about as hopeless as searching for a needle in the forest.

And even so... I don't know that anyone would actually want me. Not because I think little of myself, thank god for therapy we've gotten a lot better there. But because I'm 37 and have never been on a single date. Never held hands. Never kissed. Who at this age is going to want to work through all that uncertainty and lack of experience? Would anyone actually openly and honestly want that without fetishizing it or seeing it as a conquest?

I wish this piece of me would just die. Like... If you're going to be that weak and unreliable, just go. Just leave. Stop making me feel like this and yearning for something that has so little chance of ever happening. Stop tearing me up inside. Just let me live with the love I have in my life and let that be enough without throwing daggers into my soul.

Just let me live without this pain.

(Sorry to anyone who got this far. I don't have any other gray-ro folks in my life and I don't think the rest of my friends fully get it. I just needed to scream into the void. Thank you for listening, internet void. 💛)

I'm unsure whether this counts but: I rarely have crushes. The only crush I've had to this point was a boy from elementary school. He was a total stranger and to be honest I'm not sure how I even fell in love. The crush went away most likely when I noticed that I couldn't see him anymore. And if it counts, also a fictional crush when I was the same age.

I mostly believe everyone in my school or at least class has been/is in a relationship or has a crush or two. It kind of boosts my ego in a "oh, I'm not into that cheesy drama stuff" kind of way. Obviously I'm not against their relationships, though.

I think I didn't have any more crushes because I don't socialize as much, or maybe all the boys I know aren't as mature or have as much empathy. I don't know.

But I love romance. I love shipping characters, hearing about happy couple moments and anything related - including angst. So you can probably guess I often daydream about having a crush or being in a relationship. Sometimes I get kinda delusional when I'm close to someone or they're nice to me in a certain way and hope or guess that they'll be my crush - but it never worked that way.

On the other hand, the thought of being in a relationship makes me a bit nervous. First worry that comes in my mind is the responsibility. What if I don't text back in time? What if I'm too clingy or too distant? What if I forget their favorite things? What if I forget their birthday? What if they find someone better than me? I don't intend to hurt anybody.

And at the moment, the first things that come into my mind regarding what I can do with a romantic partner is having the fluffy feeling/moment of them actually listening to my interests and matching fictional characters and such with them. So maybe I'm just too young.

The "feeling weak romantic attraction" part of the label doesn't really fit me, because when I had the boy crush I was pretty lovesick and even asked him his name. However, the "rarely feels romantic attraction" part is kinda close, I think? I don't know what's the amount of crushes the average teenager has.

Also, the label feels a bit odd. Could I be greyromantic or on the aromantic spectrum in some way?