I found out my best friend's boyfriend is cheating, but telling her could seriously affect my boyfriend's college life. What should I do?
I honestly don't know how to process this situation, and I've been thinking about it constantly for the past month. I need an outside perspective because I'm too emotionally involved in it.
For context, there are four people involved:
A = me
B = my boyfriend
C = my best friend
D = my best friend's boyfriend
C and I have been best friends since school. B and D have also been best friends since childhood. All four of us went to the same school, so we've known each other for years.
C and D started dating before B and I even started talking to each other. I actually found out they were dating by seeing them kiss at school. She never told me, but I didn't confront her because I understood that her relationship was her private business.
Later, B and I started dating too, so eventually it became two best friends dating two other best friends.
However, over the course of our relationship, I started noticing a pattern that really bothered me.
Whenever the four of us were together, it often felt like C and D's relationship was prioritized over ours. They would want private time together, make out at school, and sometimes B would literally be asked to stand outside and keep watch while they were being intimate. Meanwhile, I would be sitting alone waiting for B.
There were also many situations where B and I wanted to spend some normal couple time together, but somehow C and D's plans always came first.
When we complained, we'd get responses like, "You two already get time together at coaching," or "Why are you making such a big deal out of one seat?"
There was one incident during a movie date that really stuck with me.
It was the first movie date for both couples. I have a strict family, and I specifically asked for a corner seat because if a family member happened to see me at the theatre, I could have gotten into serious trouble at home. C and D knew this.
But they took the corner seats because they wanted privacy and were making out during the movie. B and I had to sit farther away from each other.
I remember thinking that if someone from my family had seen me, I would have been the one dealing with the consequences, while they were prioritizing their own privacy.
There were many other incidents too. Once, D asked B to bring C to his house even though B had already planned to spend the day with me. Another time, D called B while B was with me and asked him to come pick C up and drop her somewhere.
There were also situations where C and D would spend their couple time together while sending B and me to do things for them, like ordering food.
Individually, some of these things may sound small. But they happened repeatedly, and over time I started feeling like our relationship was always the one being pushed aside.
Eventually, B and I stopped sharing details about our relationship with C and D. We still knew they knew we were dating, but we stopped telling them where we went, what we did, or sharing pictures from our dates.
The reason was that whenever they found out we'd gone somewhere, it would later be used against us:
"You two went there."
"You two already spend time together."
"You guys went out, so why do you need to sit together?"
We would go out maybe once every 2â3 months, but even that would later become an argument.
I also started feeling that C didn't value my opinion very much. If I told her something bothered me, she often wouldn't do anything about it if D disagreed. It felt like his opinion mattered more to her than mine.
There are many more incidents, but I don't want to write an entire history here.
Now comes the current situation.
C and D have been together for over two years. B and D still attend the same college. B is in first year and D is a senior.
About a month ago, I found out something about D that C doesn't know.
Because B and D are still best friends, B knows a lot about D's personal life. I happened to see conversations on B's phone that strongly suggested D has been cheating on C with multiple girls.
There was a girl from his class with whom he had sexual conversations and sexual activity over calls, and they apparently kissed in person.
There was another girl he was flirting with.
There was also a girl from our old school whom D apparently had a crush on. He contacted her through another private Instagram account and told her that she was "precious" to him, despite having C as his girlfriend.
From what I saw, this isn't just one questionable conversation. There appears to be a pattern of him talking to multiple girls behind C's back.
C has no idea.
And now I'm stuck.
My first instinct was that C deserves to know. If B were cheating on me, I would want my best friend to tell me.
But B is strongly against me telling her.
His concern isn't simply about protecting D.
D is B's senior in college, and B is genuinely afraid of retaliation. B has struggled socially in the past and was bullied during school. He's only recently started feeling better in college and has finally made some good friends.
He believes that if C finds out and they break up, D will blame B for exposing him and could make B's next three years of college miserable.
D also knows things about me and my family, including where my family's business is located. I'm scared that he could potentially involve my family, send people to harass me, or otherwise make things difficult for both of us.
Because of this, B made me promise not to tell C.
And now I feel horrible because I'm keeping something from my best friend.
At the same time, I don't know if C would even believe me. D is very good at manipulating her, and throughout their relationship I've seen her prioritize his opinions over mine. If I told her without solid evidence, I'm afraid she might believe him instead of me.
I also don't want to secretly investigate D, contact the girls, expose him publicly, or create some huge situation that could put B or me at risk.
So right now, I'm leaning toward staying silent.
Part of me thinks that C is responsible for her own relationship. If she doesn't notice what D is doing, that's ultimately something she has to figure out herself.
But another part of me keeps thinking:
"If I were in her position, wouldn't I want my best friend to tell me?"
And there's another uncomfortable layer to this.
I've been hurt by C for a long time. There have been many situations where I felt like she didn't consider my feelings, didn't value my relationship, or didn't treat me the way I treated her.
So I'm scared that some part of me is thinking:
"Why should I risk my boyfriend's safety for someone who wouldn't do the same for me?"
I don't want to make this decision out of revenge or resentment.
I genuinely want an outside perspective.
Should I tell C despite the potential consequences?
Should I stay completely out of it?
Is protecting B's college life a valid reason to stay silent?
Or is there some middle ground I'm not seeing?
I'm especially interested in hearing from people who have been in complicated friendship/relationship situations where telling the truth could also have consequences for the person who reveals it.