During heavy use (multiple 4.4L tanks daily for 4 months) and after 60 days of sobriety. How I felt, what it did to me, what happened.
The first picture is me now. I don’t even know what to write. It’s been 60 days of sobriety from everything and this first picture was taken a few days before I began receiving help through Kaiser’s addiction medicine program, going on disability for 9.5 weeks. Here’s what I did, a bit of my timeline and how I felt. Hopefully someone can learn from my experience.
- first did it in January, was introduced to tanks
- the 2.2L benders with an ex became multiple 2.2L or 4.4L tanks a session. Was surprised at how common it was within this new friend group!
- progressed to daily use even alone within 1.5 months. Daily use of the $$130-150 hugest tanks possible. 24 hours store, multiple delivery drivers, all that.
- began not cleaning, not checking mail, not taking out trash about 2 months in to my heavy use. Multiple tanks a day. Calling out of work. All I could think about were tanks. Sheets stained, nasty environment, flies, rotten food in the fridge, the only time I would leave the house was for nitrous 3 months in.
- isolated from everyone completely. Would pass out and wake up and continue doing that with nitrous, about 50 4.4L tanks all over my apartment, empty. Only time I left were to get more nitrous or go to the ER.
- burned my mouth so bad that I couldn’t swallow water 2x, went to the ER both times. Still did nitrous.
- got a uti multiple times
- eczema was everywhere
- blood vessels bursted all over
- hair was falling out, matted and stinky
- I was BLOATED and eating a LOT of takeout.
- stomach problems
- every time I hit the tank, my stomach hurt. But when I wasn’t high, I was feeling everything.
- I was crying a LOT. I was constantly on these subreddits and researching how much more I can do before I became hospitalized completely. It took over my mind.
- there were so many zaps of electricity in legs and jerking movements
- by May 3rd, I could barely walk, my cognition was slower. I could barely think. I was unrecognizable. I was depressed. I couldn’t feel my fingers, arms, stomach, private parts, feet or legs besides tingling and pins and needles.
- I had no stability and could barely stand.
- my jaw was swollen on both sides. I could barely eat or swallow or talk. Throat swollen, had a cough that never went away.
- was barely getting high. I don’t even think I was. Was just actively killing myself. And almost sought out fentanyl… deciding I might as well really wreck myself and go all of the way since I’m so far gone.
May 3rd was my last day of usage. I went to the hospital, I sought out help. I have stayed clean and sober since. This isn’t something you do daily and it’s extremely addicting. When I went through withdrawals, I physically was shaking, kept falling asleep everywhere all the time, felt so incredibly weak and was bloated, spoke slowly and couldn’t think, could barely stand and I still to this day have trouble walking or standing for longer periods. I’m so grateful I had friends and family by my side to help me.
To heal… a friend took ALMOST ALL 40 4.4L tanks in her car and we disposed of them in trash can and used them for art and I claimed my space back. I got rid of the flies. I changed my sheets. Another friend took the rest of the remaining containers. I threw away all balloons and everything. My friends helped me clean my apartment, took more trash out, organized for me, helped me with laundry, helped me with work, etc.
My new sober community and the therapists at Kaiser saved me also!
Please reach out if you have any questions!