How MDMA and LSD, edibles broke my cycle of despair and gave me a framework for harm reduction.
Hi, I want to share my story and the philosophy I developed to keep going when consciousness feels like a heavy burden.
I have always felt that we are basically nothing, like bacteria living in the sewers of a massive city. I believe in absolute nihilism, nothingness is my origin, and to it I will return. I didn't ask to come here, and if I had been given the choice before birth, I would have refused this unfair contract. To me, "consciousness" itself is not a gift, but rather a tragic mutation and a heavy curse that makes us realize the misery and absurdity of reality.
Because of this, I once reached the edge of the abyss, lost all justification to stay, and decided to end my life. But I decided to play my last card, experimenting with drugs. There, specifically with the drug Ecstasy, the cycle of despair was broken. The drug didn't create a new reality, but it revealed a "window" to me, it showed me that life has a beautiful face that can be enjoyed, exactly as depression had previously revealed its misery and tragedy. If it weren't for this experience, I would have ended my life early.
Since I was thrown into this existence against my will, I created my own rule for survival "reduce suffering and intelligently extract happiness". I practice a philosophy of careful enjoyment and harm reduction by using substances that suit me (like Cannabis, LSD, and MDMA) smartly, alongside supporting medications and rest periods, to extract every possible drop of happiness with the least damage. These "calculated chemical rewards" are what give me the reason and the fuel to fight and battle the daily tragedy of life. As long as my equation (Pleasure > Pain) continues, I do not want to return to nothingness at all. And if this equation were to fail due to an overwhelming circumstance outside my control, I might return to my decision to leave.
Despite my belief in the nihilism of existence, I have an extreme sensitivity to pain. I feel pity for all living creatures that share this curse with me. I still remember my deep sadness over a spider I killed one day at work, it pained me that I caused it ache. My moral philosophy boils down to not increasing the pain of the world, but rather reducing suffering as much as possible, for myself and others. Shared suffering makes me empathize with everything that possesses consciousness.
Despite the harshness and absolute absurdity of life, I sometimes consider myself lucky to have had the chance to experience this consciousness and these feelings. I have realized a great secret: life is extremely precious precisely because every passing second and every breath that goes out never returns. The transience of things is what gives them their value. I wish life were a paradise without pain, but since it isn't, I squeeze the moment because it will not repeat.
I live my daily life normally, I listen to music, go out with my friends, and play video games, but there is always an internal "voice" that never goes silent. It is my acute consciousness that watches me, analyzes everything, and constantly wonders about the secret of life. This continuous thinking is a very heavy guest that I sometimes wish to get rid of to live with the naivety of the rest, but in the end, it is "me".
I am not just someone escaping from reality, but an "experimenter" and a philosopher who refuses voluntary blindness. I am fully aware that I am just a passageway through which the days cross, but I have decided to be the leader of this passageway. I will continue to explore my consciousness, deconstructing the universe around me through different chemical lenses, enjoying the absurdity of this play until the curtain falls.