u/Aggressive-One-9252

There was a short period of my life when I lived in blissful ignorance up until probably ages 7 or 8 when I didn't quite catch on that feminine AMAB people were the laughing stock of society. I was so indescribably happy during this period. I was in jazz dance, I did maypole, I would run around and put on shows for anyone who would watch. I didn't have the concept that things were going to get very shit in the future.

That is the only period in my life that I was happy. I'm 28 now, and 20 years is a long time to be scared and depressed.

I try to get up everyday and put on a brave face and pretend that the fact that a large portion of society thinks that my existence is some kind of joke doesn't keep me awake every night. I'm an embarrassment to my family, I was an embarrassment to my friends before I just gave up and stopped replying and showing up.

I can't help the way that I am. I genuinely can't. I can't pretend to be something else. It's like everything that makes my heart sing is 'wrong'. I'm always scared that if I say the wrong thing or look at someone the wrong way that they'll say something horrible to me.

I just fucking wish I was born a cis girl. I would probably be successful. People would celebrate me for the way that I was, my interests, the way I spoke, the way I carried myself.

I've been in so much therapy in my life to try work through this, but ultimately, when I step outside the therapy room the world hasn't changed. I'm still a joke. No one wants to spend time with me. I'm undesirable. I just wish this would end. I feel like the UK has only gotten worse. People seem so angry at people who are different. It's always ' why do you have to be different' instead of 'maybe we should accept people who are different and celebrate there difference'. It's constantly my fault. And I can't hold the weight of this anymore.

Hi all,

I think I'm trans. I hate myself. This country makes me feel like a monster. I am so close to giving up.

I am so depressed and so anxious that I can't even begin to try transition. Every step I take I feel so ashamed and I just think about how society is going to treat me. I feel scared to breath, to leave the house , to close my eyes at night and have these awful thoughts about myself. I didn't choose to feel this way.

My last hope is either TMS or ketamine. I've tried so many antidepressants and I have a chronic stomach issues which gets so much worse on every treatment.

I just want to stop worrying about everything, I want to stop hating myself for something innocent that I was born with that I can't change. I refuse to spend the rest of my life feeling like some evil person because people are horrible and can't deal with their own problems and just project it into trans people or immigrants or people of colour.

I'm just rambling but I just want to get better.

Hi all,

Really struggling with my mental health. Looking at both ketamine infusions and TMS. I suffer from depression, anxiety and OCD as my diagnoses.

The thing that really scares me, is I tried the Flow Headset and I hated it. It made my mind race even more, like I was drinking a bunch of coffees everyday. My mind is already too active with anxiety and OCD, the whole point of my attempt at these treatments is for me to relax and not constantly be on edge.

I know that Flow isn't the same as TMS, its tDCS. But the fact that I responded so badly to the I guess gentle Flow Headset compared to a massive TMS machine really worries that I will just mess myself up even more.

I am tired of things either not working, or making things even worse :(

I also specifically was looking at going with the SmartTMS clinic in London, UK, as it is probably the nearest place to me that offers this service.

I know that no one here can really give me medical advice, but I suppose if anyone had a similar situation where Flow didn't work but TMS did? I assume the TMS clinic would be way more specific with which area of the brain was being stimulated.

Edit - also if this is one of those treatments that gets worse before it gets better I really can't handle that, I can't cope getting any worse than I already am I am probably going to lose my job at this rate.

Hi all,

I have been trying to research this and either there are very few clinics, or perhaps some of them aren't advertising very well.

I have found both Save Minds and the Neuro Clinic in London, however both seem to run at £10000 plus for the full course of treatment which I just don't have access to that kind of money.

I am willing to commute several hours as the treatments seem to be either weekly or biweekly so that would be okay.

Maybe this is a case with everything in the UK where it's just been developed here yet / financially not possible for most people.

I know there is also Oxford which I will look into but I imagining it will have a very extensive waiting list because it's run partially through the NHS.

Hi all, I am not sure if I am allowed to post this here, so apologies and I will delete it if so.

I am dealing with pretty severe depression. I've been through therapy, the antidepressants. Nothing has worked.

I'm pretty scared of a full on trip, especially because the set and the setting and also a trip guide isn't really something I have proper access to right now.

I don't know if micro dosing is seen as a pseudoscience but, it seems like something much more accessible to at least try.

Many thanks in advance. I love in a country where this is illegal so, please bare that in mind with recommendations on treatment.

Hi all UK based,

I'm a feminine AMAB person, potentially will transition in the future who knows.

Over the last years I've suffered extreme depression and anxiety for the way I am. Ive faced bullying and exclusion from society because of the way I am and I now harbour immense shame towards myself, and hatred towards society in general for the way it has made me feel about myself.

I've tried so much therapy and medication to try get out of this extremely negative headspace but it just doesn't work. I feel like my brain is stuck in 'dark' mode and no matter what I do I can't change the way I think or feel which is why I'm here.

I don't believe deep down that this is my brain. When I was younger I was genuinely happy and full of life, and then something shifted and I just fell further down and down and down.

From what I've read, psychadelic therapies like ketamine and psilocybin are the potential solution to this as they physically allow your brain to develop new thought patterns and outlooks. Psilocybin isn't accessible in the UK so ketamine it is.

I would like to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation and if this treatment works? I'm very nervous about it because I've never tripped before, but I'm just willing to give anything a try now.

Before my egg cracked, I was genuinely a kind person. I had friends, I spent my time trying to do positive things. I believed in maybe the world becoming a more positive place.

Ever since my egg cracked, I'm genuinely an unwell person. I'm extremely angry, can't control my emotions, panic attacks, hopeless, depressed, feel like if I died I would wake up from this simulation.

I don't know what to do. I've tried medication, therapy, I just don't see the point anymore. I don't understand how to have hope when I've tried so many times and it's not getting better.

I'm equal parts jealous, happy and infuriated that people seem to be able to make this work. I feel like I've been sold a lie. This was meant to work. This was meant to be achievable. It was meant to be a solution to the pain.

This has destroyed me. I'm a shell of who I was. I've been robbed of my dreams and passions. I don't trust a single person in this stupid fucking country.

I don't even believe this is my fault. How the fuck am I meant to respond to this? I think I'm responding to this in a completely human way. It's normal to be defeated when the odds are overwhelmingly against you.

I need hope.

Every time I come on here and people talk about hormones and they feel amazing and I don't get it because I feel awful.

I'm so fucking scared of this life. I'm in the UK and I feel like the bogeyman

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Ever since I've started hormones I'm so fucking scared all the time. Panic attacks. Every night is so fucking awful all I can think about is being treated like a monster.

I can't keep doing this. Starting hormones because I'm suicidal and can't see a future. Starting hormones and still being suicidal because I can't see a future being treated like a monster. Going off hormones, being suicidal because I can't live with my natural hormones. Again again again again again again.

It's never going to end is it? This is just too much.

Hi all,

I love you all you are so brave.

Over the last year things have gotten really bad. Idk if people have seen my other posts probably not because I don't make that many.

In the last 6 months I've tried hormones like 4 times I think. Sometimes for a couple of days, my longest was just over two weeks and my breast buds were starting to come in.

The thing is, those two weeks were hell. I would cry in the mirror every night before bed praying for a sign from the universe that I was doing the right thing. I just wanted one good night's sleep, one positive afternoon. I'm just so scared of this life. No one in my life has ever shown me this is okay. The news in the UK has really gotten to me, and I'm scared of the dark thoughts in my brain about me being trans.

I truly believe I am trans femme. For me it's not really about wanting to be a girl, it's about the dysphoria. I just want the dysphoria to decrease. That's a lie, there's nothing more than wanting to be a girl, but right now it feels so far away and I know il never be cis either. I'm trying to tell myself that settling for trans femme, or even forever boymoding with oestrogen is better than nothing, but I'm finding it really hard to believe. I thought after my first dose I would feel amazing like people write on here, but I just felt so much fear and terror.

I know some people's stories here are about beautiful acceptance and revelation. That's not my story right now. I hate this, I'm terrified of having a trans body even though at least it wouldn't be what I have now.

On hormones I went to bed every night crying about my future. Crying that it would never get better, that I'd never accept myself, that I'd hate myself forever. That my breasts would be deformed and other nightmares.

So do I just try one more time and force myself through the pain? Do I keep putting myself through pain in the hope that somewhere in the future there is a better life?

I'm in therapy for this. So maybe if I at least saw my therapist every week it could be better with that one support system.

Hi all,

Pre everything. Well kind of tried to transition, mental break down ensued, back to square one.

What I'm struggling with is, is trying to understand what is dysphoria and what is other mental health issues. I feel like everything is tangled, and I know trans people in general have a lot of mental health issues for a number of reasons e.g minority stress, shame, links with autism and bpd.

I feel like I can't attempt to transition until I sort out some of my mental health issues, but I'm also worried that the mental health issues are associated with dysphoria because I developed OCD, paranoia, depression all around 14 when puberty started.

I'm pretty concerned I have BPD because I've cut everyone out of my life, am paranoid, extremely self conscious, I'm just a mess.

One example would be, every single man I walk by I feel judged by and I think to myself 'am I enough to be wanted by this man.' I just feel so abnormal. I never used to be like this and the dysphoria and egg cracking happened and I feel like I'm genuinely becoming a terrible person. I feel like a complete shell of myself.

I can't relate to other trans people especially in here because you all seem so normal. You seem to be able to regulate your emotions, to be able to accept yourselves, to even be proud of being trans.

I feel completely different and it makes me feel am I even trans or is something else going on. I've been to a psychiatrist and I just got told I have OCD which I know I have, but I can't connect with any of you. I know I have dysphoria, but I'm such a fucking mess. I feel like this has all made my OCD so much worse because I feel like I don't know what is up or down anymore. My egg cracking has collapsed my entire framework of the world but I don't feel like it's been replaced by anything, I just feel like I'm floating in an endless ocean with no land in sight.

I'm worried that being trans is just too difficult if you have other things going on.

Hiya all,

I've suffered with OCD all my life but recently got officially diagnosed. My OCD is mostly pure O mixed in with some hypochondria stuff. I don't have many physical compulsions apart from checking and reassurance. It's mostly just intense obsessive thoughts about the consequences of actions being unbearable. It's not really the action themselves that cause me any stress, but rather anxiety and fear of intrusive thoughts after the action.

I've tried a lot of medication for this, but unfortunately I have a chronic stomach condition and every medication Ive tried that affects serotonin makes the condition much worse, to the point where it's unbearable to live with.

So I'm stuck. My OCD is ruining my life, but I don't seem to tolerate medication. I have done some research into inflammation and OCD, and have wondered if I should just start taking antiinflammatory painkillers but I don't think that's healthy long term.

If anyone could point in the right direction please do. I have seen a psychiatrist but they just put me on similar medications which ended up messing up my stomach very badly and here I am.

I know ERP is the gold standard, but because my OCD is just so varied, it feels kind of impossible to do ERP for everything that my brain latches onto.

Edit - hi sorry, I didn't expect so many responses. There's too many to reply to, but I did read them all. I hope someone else finds this helpful too x

Hi all,

I'm looking to find some kind of moral framework that accepts who I am. I feel like the current society we live in and it's moral framework hates people like me. Quite frankly I hate myself because of this. I feel like a burden, I feel useless and I quite frankly feel like the world would prefer if I didn't exist.

How do I live like this? I know it's wrong. I know the way society functions is wrong, I can just feel it in my soul. Everyone should have an opportunity for happiness.

However I don't know how to put this into words. I feel like I'm wading through the dark with no lantern. It's so exhausting trying to constantly remind myself that the world I live in is wrong, and I'm right.

Maybe some of you have gone through this also?

Is it okay to follow a philosophy or way of thinking purely because it serves me?

Edit - this was meant to say transfemme / also natural variation. I copy and pasted it trying to find the write sub Reddit apologies sigh.

Hi all,

I've recently started deep breathing every day for about 10 to 20 minutes in an attempt to tackle depression and anxiety as I've tried medication and can't really tolerate the side effects.

I'm interested in activating my vagus nerve in an attempt to overtime decrease my stress levels and anxiety and negative thoughts loops.

I would prefer the app to be science based e.g. focused on the length of inhalation and exhalation. I don't mind paying a one time fee but am not interested in subscription based apps.

Please let me know your thoughts! I've had a Google but there's just so many and it would be great to be pointed in the right direction.

Hi all,

I'm diagnosed with depression and OCD. I'm also suffering with gender identity issues.

I'm on my 6th antidepressant over years and years. Every single one gives me such bad stomach pain day and night. I assume from the increase in serotonin. Everyone tells me that the symptoms should clear up after two weeks but they never do. I was on sertraline for years and the stomach pain never got better.

I don't know what to do. I can't handle my intrusive thoughts without medication. They are very severe and very dark. But I can't handle the constant pain of the increase in serotonin. No matter what I change, my diet, the medication, it hurts and stops me sleeping. I'm so exhausted and depressed. I even paid for a private psychiatrist and they just prescribed me another serotonin based medication.

I feel like no ones listening to me. I feel like my quality of life is so bad no matter what I do that there's just no point in being here. It's like, hey, here's the only treatment available, hopefully it works because if not you're on your own and we will all pretend it's your fault that you can't tolerate a variation of the same drug over and over.

Idk why I'm even writing this, I just feel like I want the world to know that I tried to get better.

Hi all, I'm 28, AMAB, UK. Pretty lonely and depressed since moving to an area where I don't really know anyone / nothing to do.

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I grew up very shy so really only ever played games by myself but now I really want to try branch out and be more social.

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What's the best way to do this? Are the certain games better for this kind of thing?

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I would like to stay away from particularly masculine gaming environments or communities.

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Many thanks in advance.

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Hi all,

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All my life I've felt like something is just off with me. I am queer, and it was always obvious so I never got to pretend I wasn't. I suffered moderate bullying from friends and family, a lot of shame about my attraction to men and my gender expression, and more recently my gender identity. I'm 28 now. I really think deep down I wish I was born a girl. I think maybe life would of been better. I could of found love, and the way I am naturally feminine and gentle would of been praised instead of ridiculed.

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I would say during my teenage years I completely changed. I became angry and withdrawn and never really got better. I became paranoid and would lash out at friends, especially on social media, accusing them of spiteful and malicious intentions.

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Since being a teenager, I had this intense need to control people. I never let my friend groups interact because I felt I couldn't control what they said about me to each other. I always typically find one person and become obsessed with them.

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This need for control has gotten so bad that I really struggle to make new connections now. Sometimes il talk to someone online because I'm so lonely, il become obsessed with them but will then block them because I can't handle the stress of trying to be a good friend or I don't trust them enough to keep talking. I get extremely paranoid that I will end up emotionally hurting people when I'm having a bad day, or that maybe one day il end it all and then all the people I connected with will be left in pain.

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I've never been in a relationship, I told myself I wasnt interested but really all I want is to be loved and cared for. I don't trust that I will be normal in a relationship and not become obsessed and controlling, and I also don't trust another person to ever get that close to me. I don't trust them to be kind or caring or do the right thing. I also am starting to hate myself for being queer. I've started having thoughts about wishing I'm just an average man with a women, it's so far fetched because it would never happen and I also don't actually want that because it would be a lie, but I just don't want to feel like an alien anymore.

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My whole life I've performed sexual acts online for men as a way to try feel loved and wanted, but also as a way of control and to stop people from getting to know the real me.

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Deep down I believe something terrible happened to me as a child because I can't explain why I am this way if I wasn't molested or abused.

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I guess I write this because my life is falling apart, I've had so much SI lately that I don't know what to do anymore.

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I've begun to think I must have BPD or something. Surely this isn't how people live. A part of me genuinely hates the world and myself. I am so angry that I can't just at least be moderately happy. Not a 8 out of 10, just a 4 or a 5. Just an average human being who laughs sometimes and cries sometimes.

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Maybe I'm clutching at straws here but, I feel like an alien compared to people. I feel self obsessed, but also self destructive. Like I'm so important but also worthless and everything would be better off without me.

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Thank you and sorry if you read this.

Hi all,

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All my life I've felt like something is just off with me. I am queer, and it was always obvious so I never got to pretend I wasn't. I suffered moderate bullying from friends and family, a lot of shame about my attraction to men and my gender expression, and more recently my gender identity. I'm 28 now. I really think deep down I wish I was born a girl. I think maybe life would of been better. I could of found love, and the way I am naturally feminine and gentle would of been praised instead of ridiculed.

​

I would say during my teenage years I completely changed. I became angry and withdrawn and never really got better. I became paranoid and would lash out at friends, especially on social media, accusing them of spiteful and malicious intentions.

​

Since being a teenager, I had this intense need to control people. I never let my friend groups interact because I felt I couldn't control what they said about me to each other. I always typically find one person and become obsessed with them.

​

This need for control has gotten so bad that I really struggle to make new connections now. Sometimes il talk to someone online because I'm so lonely, il become obsessed with them but will then block them because I can't handle the stress of trying to be a good friend or I don't trust them enough to keep talking. I get extremely paranoid that I will end up hurting people when I'm having a bad day, or that maybe one day il end it all and then all the people I connected with will be left in pain.

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I've never been in a relationship, I told myself I wasnt interested but really all I want is to be loved and cared for. I don't trust that I will be normal in a relationship and not become obsessed and controlling, and I also don't trust another person to ever get that close to me. I don't trust them to be kind or caring or do the right thing. I also am starting to hate myself for being queer. I've started having thoughts about wishing I'm just an average man with a women, it's so far fetched because it would never happen and I also don't actually want that because it would be a lie, but I just don't want to feel like an alien anymore.

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My whole life I've performed sexual acts online for men as a way to try feel loved and wanted, but also as a way of control and to stop people from getting to know the real me.

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Deep down I believe something terrible happened to me as a child because I can't explain why I am this way if I wasn't molested or abused.

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I guess I write this because my life is falling apart, I've had so much SI lately that I don't know what to do anymore.

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I've begun to think I must have BPD or something. Surely this isn't how people live. A part of me genuinely hates the world and myself. I am so angry that I can't just at least be moderatelt happy. Not a 8 out of 10, just a 5. Just an average human being who laughs sometimes and cries sometimes.

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I've never cut myself although I've had anorexia and binge eating throughout a lot of my life. I've never done anything crazy like do a bunch of drugs, never dyed my hair, never had crazy sex apart from the online stuff which I suppose is quite reckless when I look at it objectively.

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Maybe I'm clutching at straws here but, I feel like an alien compared to people. I feel self obsessed, but also self destructive. Like I'm so important but also worthless and I should just die.

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Thank you and sorry if you read this.

Hi all, I am in my late 20s. I live in the UK. I think I've always felt extremely uncomfortable in my body. I was assigned male at birth, which I hate to say, because it's caused me so much harm. I grew up believing I was a feminine gay man. I had a lot of shame around this and still do. I wasn't heavily bullied, but I wasn't accepted either. It was extremely clear to me my entire life that the way I was born and how I naturally was is embarrassing to the people around me. When I was a young child, I was very authentic because I hadn't yet learned that who I was, was something that people were ashamed of. I soon learned that who I am is seen as inferior. I tried to be brave and to be myself, but eventually something broke inside me. I cleared my social media of anything LGBTQ, I got rid of makeup, I tried to just be a 'normal man' so people would like me. But it failed. I felt so hollow inside, and even trying to pretend I couldn't fit in. I sacrificed myself for others, and I still got rejected and excluded from events and gatherings.

The last year, I've been trying to claw my way to the surface. Trying to accept myself, cycling through antidepressants like candy to try and feel like I have a chance.

I got the courage to find hormones. I tried them several times, sometimes for a couple of days, sometimes for a couple of weeks. Every time I stopped eventually. I felt so ashamed. Why can't I just like the way I was born? I had nightmares about growing deformed breasts. Nightmares about the way men will treat me like a prostitute, not a human being.

Now I feel like I'm out of time. I tried the medicine that was meant to save me, and I couldn't handle it. I spend every day tortured by a body I don't see as my own. The discomfort is just unexplainable to someone who doesn't feel this way. I can feel my shoulders that are too wide and too muscular. My face that is too bony. My genitals that feel like a foreign object I didn't ask for.

I've been spending a lot of time on forums that I shouldn't, looking for a way out.

I keep having moments where I try to think that things will get better, that somehow I can unlearn the shame, I can handle the dysphoria, I can find a way to live that actually is somewhat enjoyable. But it's never long enough, and the shame overrides the joy.

The worst part is, is that I tried, and I failed. I spend everyday trying to logically explain that I deserve happiness like everyone else, but I can't seem to find it. It runs through my open hands like water.

Idk why I'm writing this, but a part of me just wants someone to know my story. That I'm trying. That I'm trying so hard not to be a bad person while battling the pain. I'm trying not to hate a world that hates me.

Hi all, I'm in a rough spot. A very rough spot. I know mentally I am unwell but where I live, there I just no support for trans people so I don't know whether it's internalised transphobia or genuinely I shouldn't be transitioning.

Prior to hormones I hate my body so much. I hate my face, I hate my shoulders, I hate the feeling that no matter what I do I can't shrink my skeleton to make it smaller. I feel like an ogre. I hate my voice, I hate my body hair, I hate my genitals.

Yet, when I take hormones I'm scared, scared im making a mistake, I have such strong intrusive thoughts that it's a mistake and that I won't let myself continue.

But why did I get here in the first place? I want to see a psychiatrist but I'm worried that they'll be transphobic and not understand. I'm worried that if they find out I've tried HRT they will refuse to help me. I live in the UK and everything has really gotten to me, I think every single person I meet is transphobic, especially medical professionals.

I feel like my brain is broken. I'm going to lose my job. I'm worried I'm going to do something stupid.