Questions I Would Ask a Suitor Who Came Asking for My Daughter
This was written by a muslim marriage counsellor in Australia. He has pretty good content, from what I've seen on his social media.
He added a section on divorce in the comments of the post, so I'll add that here too, along with two book recommendations on the same topic, as people often wonder what to talk about in the getting-to-know-you stage and if they really know their intended spouse.
"Questions I Would Ask a Suitor Who Came Asking for My Daughter"
DEEN AND RELIGIOSITY
Walk me through what your relationship with Allah and your deen actually looks like in a normal week.
Has your relationship with Islam changed over the last few years? What caused that change?
Who do you learn Islam from, and who has influenced your understanding of the deen most? Why?
When you fall short religiously, what do you normally do about it?
INTEGRITY, HONESTY AND PRINCIPLES
Tell me about a time telling the truth cost you something or put you in a difficult position. What did you do?
Have you ever broken someone's trust? What happened, and what did you do afterward?
RESPONSIBILITY, DISCIPLINE AND WORK ETHIC
Walk me through a normal week in your life. What does it actually look like from morning to night?
What are you currently responsible for that nobody else carries for you?
Tell me about something you worked extremely hard for when nobody was pushing you or checking on you.
Tell me about something you committed to that became much harder than you expected. What did you do?
What is something you used to depend on your parents for that you now handle completely yourself?
MONEY, PROVISION AND AMBITION
Tell me about your work, your income and where you realistically see yourself financially in five years. What are you doing now to get there?
If your income stopped tomorrow, what would you do during the first month?
Do you currently have debts or significant financial commitments? How are you managing them?
How do you think about spending versus saving?
EMOTIONAL MATURITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY
Tell me about the last time you were genuinely angry. What happened, and what did you do?
Tell me about the last time somebody treated you badly or disrespected you. How did you respond?
Tell me about a decision you made that turned out to be wrong. What did you do afterward?
What is the hardest criticism someone has given you about yourself that you realised was actually true?
If I asked the three people closest to you what is most difficult about you, what would they say?
Tell me about a serious disagreement you've had with someone close to you. How did it end?
EMPATHY AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Tell me about a time someone you cared about was upset about something that didn't make sense to you. How did you respond?
When somebody you love is distressed, what do you naturally tend to do?
How do you know when somebody close to you needs support, even when they haven't directly asked for it?
CONFLICT, APOLOGY AND REPAIR
Tell me about a time you seriously hurt or disappointed someone you cared about. What did you do afterward?
What does a proper apology look like to you?
When you're convinced you're right during an argument, how do you normally behave?
If an argument becomes heated, what do you believe should happen next?
When you lose respect for someone's behaviour, how does that come out in the way you speak to them?
RESILIENCE, ADAPTABILITY AND HARDSHIP
Tell me about one of the hardest periods of your life. What happened, and how did you get yourself through it?
When you're stressed or overwhelmed, what happens to you? What would your family say you're like during those periods?
Tell me about a time life didn't go according to your plan and you had to significantly adjust your expectations.
Marriage can bring illness, infertility, financial hardship, disability or other things neither person expected. What do you think commitment means when married life becomes very different from what you expected?
Is there anything from your childhood or past that still affects how you respond to people today?
Have you ever sought counselling, mentoring or professional help? If you needed it during marriage, would you?
AKHLAQ AND TREATMENT OF OTHERS
Tell me about someone you've been responsible for, an employee, younger sibling, student or someone who depended on you. What happened when they made mistakes?
Tell me about a time you helped somebody when there was really nothing in it for you.
How do you normally respond when someone inconveniences you, poor service, traffic, somebody being late or making a mistake?
FRIENDSHIPS AND SOCIAL INFLUENCE
Tell me about your closest friends. Who are they, and what do you normally do together?
Have you ever walked away from a friendship because you realised it was negatively influencing you?
Outside of religion, whose ideas or content influence you most online?
FAMILY BACKGROUND AND ATTACHMENT
Tell me about your parents' marriage growing up. What would you repeat and what would you do differently?
How would you describe your relationship with your mother and father today?
Growing up, when you were upset or frightened, who did you normally go to? What happened?
When relationships become difficult, do you tend to move toward the person and talk, or pull away and need distance?
How involved do you expect your parents and your spouse's parents to be in your marriage?
MARRIAGE, RIGHTS AND RESPONSIBILITIES
What do you believe a wife owes her husband, and what do you believe a husband owes his wife?
What happens when one spouse is genuinely struggling to fulfil some of those responsibilities?
What do you believe a husband is responsible for providing for his wife?
LEADERSHIP, INFLUENCE AND DECISION MAKING
What does leadership in marriage mean to you in practice?
What decisions do you believe a wife should have a say in?
What would you do if your wife strongly disagreed with you about an important decision?
Tell me about a time a woman in your family or someone close to you changed your mind about something important.
What does making a wife feel emotionally safe, respected and loved look like to you in practice?
CONTROL, JEALOUSY, TRUST AND BOUNDARIES
What would you do if your wife wanted to do something you strongly disliked but which wasn't haram?
What does healthy jealousy look like to you, and when does jealousy become controlling?
How do you feel about a husband checking his wife's phone, location, messages or friendships?
If something made you insecure about your marriage, what would you do before assuming the worst about your wife?
OPPOSITE SEX AND DIGITAL BOUNDARIES
What boundaries do you believe a married person should have with the opposite sex, both online and offline?
Is there anything about your past use of social media, pornography or sexual content that you believe a future wife would reasonably need to know?
Do you believe the same standards of modesty and faithfulness should apply to the husband and wife?
ADDICTION AND UNHEALTHY COPING
Everyone has struggled with something. Has there ever been a habit, substance or behaviour that had more control over you than you wanted? Where does that stand today?
What did you actually do to overcome or manage it?
AFFECTION, INTIMACY AND MARITAL NEEDS
How important are affection and intimacy to you in marriage?
How should a husband and wife handle periods when their needs for affection or intimacy are different?
How do you naturally express love, and what makes you personally feel loved?
CHILDREN AND PARENTING
How do you think children should be raised and disciplined?
Where do you stand on major health decisions for children, including vaccination and medical treatment? Why?
What do you think happens to a marriage after children arrive, and what would you do to keep the relationship between husband and wife strong?
What do you think your responsibility would be with babies, housework and children when your wife is exhausted or struggling?
LIFESTYLE AND COMPATIBILITY
What lifestyle habits from your single life do you think will need to change when you're married?
What would your ideal week as a married man actually look like, work, wife, family, friends, deen and recreation?
What expectations would you have regarding your wife's work, study, friendships and time with her family?
Where do you ultimately want to live, and what kind of life are you trying to build over the long term?
SELF AWARENESS AND READINESS
What are you most nervous about when you think about becoming a husband?
What do you think my daughter would find most difficult about being married to you?
What is something about yourself you're actively trying to improve right now? What are you actually doing about it?
Why do you want to marry my daughter specifically? What have you seen in her character and values that makes you believe you're compatible?
Why should I trust you with my daughter?
You are not looking for a man with perfect answers.
You are looking for a man whose deen and character remain visible when life becomes difficult.
What happens when he is angry? What happens when he is criticised? What happens when he doesn't get his way? What happens when money becomes tight? What happens when someone weaker than him makes a mistake? What happens when he is tempted? What happens when his wife disagrees with him? And what happens when he himself is wrong?
That is where character becomes visible.
So don't ask only: “Did I like his answers?”
Ask: “What evidence do I have that his answers are true?”
This questionnaire is intended as an educational premarital discussion and vetting resource. It is not a psychological assessment or a substitute for professional advice where there are concerns about mental health, addiction, abuse or safety.
A good conversation establishes what a man says he is. Vetting helps establish who he actually is. Where appropriate, speak independently with people who have worked with him, travelled with him, lived with him, dealt financially with him, seen him angry or under pressure, or known him for several years.
DIVORCE
Under what circumstances do you believe divorce should seriously be considered?
If you became extremely angry with your wife during an argument, what place, if any, should the word “divorce” or talaq have in that conversation?
If your marriage reached a serious crisis, what steps would you take before deciding on divorce?
If the marriage did end, what responsibilities do you believe you would still have towards your former wife?
If you divorced while extremely hurt or angry, how would you make sure you remained fair and just towards your former wife?
If children were involved, how would you separate your feelings towards your former wife from your responsibilities as their father?
How should disagreements over children, finances, property, mahr or other rights be handled after separation?
If a marriage ended, how would you speak about your former wife to your family, friends and children?
That last question is particularly important to me because akhlaq shouldn't end when a marriage ends.
A man's character isn't only revealed in how he treats a woman when he loves her. It is also revealed in how he treats her when he is angry with her, hurt by her, separated from her, or no longer wants the marriage.
[End of quoted material]
Books with similar (and more extensive) lists of questions to ask a potential spouse:
"Before You Tie the Knot: A Guide for Couples" by Salma Abugideri and Mohamed Hag Magid
"Before the Wedding: Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married" by Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine
Please note how the therapist says you have to verify a man's character and the answers to his questions. A strange man is not taken blindly at his word.
Imagine a stranger knocks on your door and says, "I love your daughter. I want to marry her." Would you just invite him in and believe everything he says? Of course not. More likely, this man might be beaten up and then the father would go confront his daughter to see what she had done.
If a man approaches a father with adab, you still have no way of knowing if he's telling the truth or not. That's why he is investigated through his family, social circle, and neighbors.
Traditionally, a man would intentionally be put in a situation designed to make him angry in order to test his character. This has actually become a ritualized part of Turkish culture. The potential bride makes a drink for him, but she makes it taste gross by putting salt, pepper, and other random ingredients into it. His job is to drink it and compliment her on it, as if she had given him a normal drink. Since this is a part of the culture, there isn't a real test there. Imagine if you were at a gathering and everyone was served Desi chai, the sweet milk tea, but when you drank it, it was salty and disgusting. How would you react? Another way men were often tested was by setting a meeting with him and then showing up late to it intentionally, to see how he was. Did he have patience? Was he angry? Was he frustrated? Did he blame the other parties?
A man is known through being with him during travel and through business transactions. It's not practical to go on a trip with every potential spouse nor have business dealings with them, but your interview process should be designed to reveal his character through his words, his actions, and other people's testimony to his character.
Personally, I would recommend creating a joint prenup with whomever you wish to marry, outlining the decisions you two have made as a couple. For example, under finances, if you two agreed to a 50/50 split of finances, then you would detail what that meant, without leaving the meaning up to assumptions. Does each party give half of their income to a joint account? Are the bills paid jointly by each party?
Many couples talk about things and come to agreements but they don't talk about their understanding of what the agreement means to them. So, when they marry, they go to apply these agreed upon things only to find out their spouse had one understanding and they had another.
Some people don't like prenups. That's fine. They don't need to use them or marry someone who wants one. Some men don't want to be held to agreements they made before marriage because they are the leaders in the family and they can change their mind whenever they wish and their wives will just have to deal with it because the man is ultimately the leader. That is a leadership style, but there are other leadership styles. There are wives that don't want to marry into that situation and expect a man to be held to his word, especially when they came to an agreement about something before marriage and she only wants to be in a marriage under those conditions. For example, a woman who doesn't want to work and who expects the man to pay for everything. The groom agrees to all of this, they marry, but then after marriage, the cost of living is so high, he wants her to work for a year or two just to help out until they have enough money to for a down payment on a house, and they'll live with the in-laws before marriage. This would be quite upsetting for a woman expecting to not have to work and not have to live with in-laws before marriage.
You can learn a lot about someone before marriage, but you never really learn what they are like until after marriage. A description of someone is not the same as the experience of a person.
May Allah grant us better than we expect of him.