Anybody ever think of there obituary?
OBITUARY: XXXXX, XXXXX, 1979–2026
XXXXX, XXXXX, 47, of somewhere he hadn't been home to in twenty plus days, passed away Tuesday night in the parking lot of a two-star crew hotel while borrowed out to a terminal he could not find on a map.
XXXXX hired out in 2004 and spent 22 proud years on the extra board, where he was known for answering the phone on the first ring and asking "where to" with the quiet dignity of a man who had stopped asking "why." He was set up, cut, rested, called, and deadheaded more times than any human in recorded history.
Investigators report that XXXXX's final evening involved a blood alcohol content "within the range of a small fire," enough cocaine to "explain why he volunteered for the turn," and a sack of whippets he reportedly called "lodging per diem." The lab also flagged several other substances it is "still naming." Witnesses say his last words were "they're not gonna call me, I'm 14th out." He was 2nd out.
FRA post-accident testing was conducted, marking the first time XXXXX ever completed a test on the first attempt.
XXXXX is preceded in death by his marriage, his knees, and the 2019 seniority roster. He is survived by two ex-wives, a 2011 Silverado with 340,000 miles, a girlfriend in every away terminal, a rolled-up company timeslip that tested positive for things the company did not authorize, and 7 attendance points that the company has confirmed will not be forgiven.
Visitation will be held at the crew hotel between 0200 and whenever the van shows up, which is to say, not soon. The service will be conducted by a trainmaster who has never met him and will read from a Rule G laminated card.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that you call the crew office and ask why the board is cut to six when there are 31 jobs. Nobody will answer.
Rest in peace, XXXXX. You finally got your 10 hours undisturbed.