r/confusingperspective

Crushing isn’t something that can be described. Tormented is more fair. Decapitated, demolished, just used and tossed aside.

I’ve been raped as a child and now O have been raped again. This time was worse. This doesn’t have to do with the acts, whatever they are. That’s irrelevant.

It’s the inability for anyone to put themselves out there for me. For my soul. For my sanity. I’ve done that my whole life for others. I’ve never actually received help from anyone when I needed it. This isn’t a cry session, and I realize Reddit sucks to put this out there. Just imagine, however, if your own father and sister refused to actually do something a stranger would do. My crimes against them? Nothing. I am nothing g more than a receptacle to spread lies against. They seldom help, and never really care.

Most of my personality analysis is accurate. Except that I was held together by my mother. She was my real person. During that loss, my wife never stepped up as you know and actually did some horrible things in my absence. I’m aware before this gets partially told. And trust me, she will tell me for money. I promise. Watch. She is the most shallow person ever.

I couldn’t let myself believe that this Reality was real. I mean, how can you? To speak that or believe it boils down to two options.

First, to admit that you are a joke and a side show to normal people. To understand that you being mocked is expected and deserved just for being you. That the person you put your faith in was part if this mockery and enjoys your pain. This is just another layer of torture. The understanding is relevant and real.

Second, it is to admit that it is because of myself. My need and desire to find someone who would just accept me for me, once. To give back what I gave. That person who wanted to be honest and fun. I let this happen and people took advantage of it. Because they could. Further, others watch this happen and decided their entertainment was more important than the depths of my pain.

I’m not judging at all. I’m sure I laughed at people in distress before. But, to have this actually happen….its beyond. To be the core of jokes….i can’t. I just can’t.

Now. Where does this lead? Who knows. It has to be hilarious to you all. Im sure I look stupid and weak. How could I miss this or that? From my vantage point….how could I believe that? What are the consequences for trusting my gut immediately? What threats are coming to me? Physical violence to me as well? You will never understand fear because that fear breaks self trust.

If you know acceptance is just over the cliff with a single pride swallow….and all you have to do is look straight for a few minutes….yeah, the choice to just live and not believe that reality is real becomes easy. It’s not ignoring signs or just being overstimulated…..

Oh no, it’s the reality that ignorance creates survival and happiness was. And I can’t control others actions, but maybe I can pretend to be happy or understand happy like the people I see laughing in public.

To those who set this up….i guess thank you but turning me into a side show is just another feeling of being taken advantage of at this point. Maybe it’s not. Maybe things aren’t what they seem. I doubt it.

Regardless, I’ll push through and be mocked and not actually be a lovable specimen anymore by women because they got to see what weakness looks like. It looks like ignoring truth for what could maybe be. Even after 18 years of ignoring….maybe.

It’s the same reason I give to anyone. I want to be the only good spark in the room. My defiance of what I know is wrong will never go away. No one can beat that out of me. That’s why I give the homeless money still. I can give someone a piece I never had. I can. And you people will never understand the gravity of that feeling and true understanding.

Yes, you have seen my anger come out. That what it should look like to anyone. To me, my sadness and anger is something that is buried so deep that it terrifies my soul. I pray god gets it out. Or maybe one day I’ll meet a friend.