r/gentleparenting

Our son (2.5 y.o.) has a cousin 6ish months older who we see and play with a lot. He will regularly hit / push if he doesn’t get his way. When the hitting / pushing happens, his parents immediately address the situation, and fortunately our son is never actually hurt, but I’m unsure of how to handle *our* side of things when this happens. As of now, we obviously go up to our son and ask him if he’s okay, but it feels like we should do more than that? For instance, do we then explain to him why hitting / pushing is not acceptable behavior? I don’t want it to feel to him like we’re scolding *him* for being on the receiving end of hitting / pushing, but also don’t want him to pick up this habit from his cousin. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but wanted to get some thoughts from you all.

Before my first child was born, I was all in on gentle parenting. I'd read the books, watched the videos, absorbed every theory about emotional intelligence and mindful discipline. I was going to break the cycle. I'd raise a child differently than I was raised - kinder, more emotionally attuned, without the fear and strictness I remembered from my own childhood.

My kid is nearly five now. For most of these years, that approach felt like it was working. We had our moments, sure, but nothing I thought I couldn't handle with the right script or technique.

Then something shifted. Slowly at first, but over the last year, noticeably.

The meltdowns became daily. Screen time reminders (which we'd been calmly explaining and negotiating for years) suddenly triggered aggression. Bedtime became a negotiation I couldn't win. And the food battles got worse. I'd prepare meals based on what they'd explicitly told me they liked, only to have it screamed at as "disgusting" before landing on the floor.

I tried everything I'd learned. The scripts. The validations. The calm voices. "I see you're frustrated, let's talk about this when you're ready." Nothing moved the needle. If anything, it felt like they were getting worse.

Last week, something broke in me.

My child hurled food across the dinner table for the hundredth time, shrieking about how vile the meal was. I'd made it from things they'd said they enjoyed. And I just... lost it. I yelled. I told them I was done with the attitude, that I didn't care if they ate, and there would be nothing else for the rest of the day - no snacks, no sugar, no alternative meals.

I felt like a failure the moment the words left my mouth.

My husband didn't yell, but he was clear: something had to change. The behavior was escalating. The attitude was getting worse. He was right, but hearing it out loud made me feel worse, not better.

That same week, my husband and I made a decision that contradicted everything I'd been doing. We removed the freedoms we'd been managing - screens, sugar, snacks, toys. Not as punishment, but as a firm reset. For years we'd said "twenty minutes on the iPad, then we put it away" while our child melted down each time. Now the iPad wasn't an option at all.

Within days, something shifted.

The meltdowns quieted. The defiance softened. When they did push back (which they still do) it's less aggressive. More importantly, after they calm down, they're actually apologizing. They're acknowledging their rudeness. They're finding their equilibrium.

But I'm wrestling with what this means.

I've been stern. Stern in a way that feels fundamentally at odds with the parent I told myself I'd be. When boundaries get tested, I don't soften with empathy scripts anymore. I enforce them quietly and firmly. My child has started calling me "rude" because I won't negotiate the non-negotiables anymore.

Some days I cry about it. I tell my husband I'm damaging them, that I'm becoming the kind of parent I swore I wouldn't be. That I'm undoing years of emotional work.

He reminds me they're adjusting to the new normal. And truthfully? They're doing well in that adjustment. Better than they've been in months.

But I can't shake the guilt. Or the nagging question: Has anyone had a similar experience? Is gentle parenting not all it's cracked up to be? Do you think some children do better with a heavy hand?

I feel like I’m on and present and loving and calm and gentle and do alllll the things and follow the right accounts and read the right books, and go to therapy for myself and started ADHD meds (which are really helping) but MAN. I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old and probably every other day I just YELL. I just shout “STOP!!” mostly when everyone is fussing or picking at each other and whining whining whininggggg. They’re so good and sweet and usually kind but man the sibling bickering is ramping up and I’m seeing my 2 year old also yell (at the poor cat) and I just HATE to see that, I know it’s from me.

We have so many good times but I feel like the overstimulation just HITS and I smash in to a sensory wall. I need help being prepared before that happens, before the yelling. I don’t really anticipate hearing anything new in the comments because I have read it all, but maybe something will help?

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My husband and I have both been struggling so much figuring out how to handle video games with our 8 year old son and I'm wondering if we should get rid of them all together or if that's too harsh.

Our son is almost finishing 2nd grade and was introduced to Minecraft by peers at the start of the school year. I started taking him to the library about an hour or two a week so he could play on the computers there and it got stressful for me very fast because he would get very emotional when it was time to leave and beg to go play every day after school despite us having a set schedule around it that he could anticipate. I tried to be very understanding of his feelings because I know even as an adult its hard when you have to stop doing something fun but still maintain the limits.

For Christmas, the only thing he was asking for was a Nintendo Switch that he can play Minecraft on. I was very hesitant, but we ended up getting him one. We let him play without as many limits over winter break but then set the expectation that when school started again, it would only be available on the weekends for about 3 hours.

I feel like our relationship with him has drastically changed since he got the Switch. He used to be excited to read with me after school, or go to the park, or build legos, or play with friends. Now he almost exclusively talks about his video games and has little interest in other things. Even when we go to the park, he now complains the whole time about how hed rather play the Switch. Thankfully on the weekdays after school, he will eventually play with his sister or a neighbor friend, but after begging us a bunch to play the Switch and telling us, his parents, that we are "mean" or making him have "the worst day ever" despite it always being the rule that he doesnt use it on weekdays. He and the neighbor friends will come over after school and beg to play and we have to keep saying no over and over. If I take him to a playdate somewhere else, its a big fight with him begging to bring his Switch. It just feels like his life is now centered around the Switch and the only interactions us as his parents have with him now is constantly setting the boundaries and him always upset with us.

This past weekend was a good example of how almost every weekend goes when he does get to play. On Saturday morning he asked to play with his sister and we agreed. My husband and I were having a slower morning and at least 3 hours passed of them playing before we told them it was time to be done. Right afterward he asked to go to the neighbors house to play and then they both came to our house 20 minutes later begging to play the Switch. We told him no over and over because he just got done playing for 3 hours and repeated that again the next hours. Later in the day, one of his old pre-k friends came over and my son kept begging us to play Minecraft with him and we told them they could for a bit since they don't see eachother much. It was then really stressful trying to get him to stop after several warnings. On Sunday he asked me to play first thing in the morning and I said no, that he got a lot of time on Saturday and we had a lot of plans. He still begged to almost every hour for the entire day and when either me or my husband tried to interact with him about anything else, he acted very upset and grumpy.

Then this morning before school he spent the whole morning throwing a fit about how he didn't get to play at all on Sunday. He was refusing to get ready for school and it turned into just a big stressful morning for everyone. I just so badly miss the kid that was excited to play boardgames, or read books, or go to the park, or ride bikes with his friends. I don't know if it's going too far or if there is a better solution, especially because I feel so bad to take away a Christmas gift that he was so excited for, but at this point I just don't know what else to do besides not allow him to have a Switch or access to video games anymore.