r/gentleparenting

I get my girls every second weekend (9yo and 10yo). I'm unsure of how to proceed with helping them with their hygiene. Anything will be appreciated!

They got their ears pierced about 10 weeks ago. They are still very tender to the touch and gunk on them almost every single day. We, my partner and I, have cleaned them out every time they are over here with us. However, when they go back to their fathers, they come back filthy. Ears are dirty, hair is a rats nest, nails are dirty and untrimmed, etc. 9yo has ADHD, has a hard time remembering to brush her hair. 10yo has always had her head in the clouds, very much look at the flowers type of girl. She doesn't remember to do things either. The most they've been able to remember is deodorant, at least for the 9yo. Still working on that for the 10yo. Anyways, we've run out of ideas as what to do to help them remember basic hygiene.

Here are things I've tried so far:
- have a shared Finch goal that reminds them on their tablets
- whiteboards outside their rooms with "TO-DO!" on it
- spoken reminders
- asked them about xyz
- timers
- talking about them having more responsibility

None of these have worked so far. I've been doing so much reading on ADHD for my 9yo, and my 10yo is a follower so some of the time what works for the younger will work for the older. It's gotten to the point to, as I said earlier, their ears are so bad I had to take the earrings out and there were so much tears for that because of the pain. They have a mass in the back of both ears (I will be asking their father to take them to their GP), and bleeding as well.

I need help!

Edit: She's 14

We have a No Electronics In Rooms rule. This is well established and discussed.

I put her to bed, then a few minutes later realized her laptop wasn't plugged in. I found her with it in her bed, video chatting with her best friend muted and using the chat feature.

I took it, told her to go to sleep, and that we would discuss it in the morning.

When I logged off with her best friend, I could see their chat and call history. She has done this several times in the last few months.

We've never had any reason not to trust her and is a straight-A, responsible kid, so this was a shock.

We gentle parent and always focus on natural consequences, but since not only has she done this a lot, but it was always her idea, a consequence is needed.

But what? No electronics for the rest of the weekend?