r/gentleparenting

My 4-year-old daughter also hits me every night, and sometimes during the day too. When she doesn’t like something, she resorts to screaming, biting, hitting. I’ve taught her several ways to avoid hitting me. I told her that instead of hitting me, she can hit a pillow or the bed, scream into a pillow, or jump on the bed to release that tension. I’ve also taught her to breathe using the “smell the flower and blow out the candle” technique. Sometimes it works, but there are days when nothing works, and I just can’t take it anymore. It overwhelms me.
The neighbors have complained about the screaming more than once. I’m a single mother, and I just can’t do this anymore.
We go on long walks together, and she enjoys them. She spends hours at the park playing with other children, and she doesn’t behave like this there, except for occasionally shouting out of excitement for a very short time. She comes to work with me, and she stays busy playing or watching something on my phone while I work. She doesn’t watch violent or disturbing cartoons.
But every night before bedtime, everything turns into chaos—screaming and hitting. Sometimes I can’t take it anymore, and I just let her hit me. Other times I move her away, and sometimes I lose control and slap her or push her away too hard. I don’t want to do that. I want her to be calm and to teach her better ways to cope, but I just can’t handle it anymore.
Other times, when I lose control, I lock myself in the bathroom and hurt myself. Or I start scratching myself over and over until she stops screaming, because I don’t want to hurt her, and I’d rather hurt myself instead.
I don’t know what else to do. I’m desperate.
I’m with her 24/7 every single day. I have no support, no money to pay for a babysitter, and I can’t enroll her in daycare because of certain requirements. Once she finally falls asleep, I stay awake just so I can have a little time for myself.
Some days I struggle to even play with her because I’m completely exhausted. But outside of these emotional outbursts, she is an amazing little girl. There have been times when I felt so unwell that I couldn’t even get out of bed, and she decided on her own to wash the dishes. Once, following my instructions, she even helped cook chicken—I only turned on the stove because I simply couldn’t get out of bed to do anything. She often helps around the house without me asking. She cooks with me, cleans with me, and does many things that I think are appropriate for her age. Sometimes, when she’s very upset, she’s able to hit a pillow instead or use some of the coping strategies I’ve taught her, but most of the time she can’t, and I’m just so tired.
The truth is, I grew up surrounded by violence. My parents hit me, and so did my partners later in life. I don’t want to repeat that pattern with my daughter, but I’m completely exhausted.

Question for all the parents out there

So im in a relationship with a single dad of two girls 6 and 7 we have been together for a few years now and recently I've noticed some behavioral issues with the children that I find concerning but he says is fine its just there age but I think that's not it at all. Hes just started to work on manners but I know that is something that should be taught at birth or at least in my family it is. There very demanding and when they don't get their way will have a full on melt down with fake crying and he will give in or negotiate with them but I think if you give them a rule to fallow they should but they don't want to so they know that if they have the melt down, run, fake cry and hide he will go after them and give them what they want. They also have been watching some youtube channels that I find inappropriate for their age (Ben Azelert and Salish Matter) and the oldest talks about how she does her makeup every day which I think is kind of strange for a 7 year old and is probably a product of what their watching. They also don't have bedtimes at mom or dads and I think that doesn't help with emotional regulation. One more thing that bothers me is that they get to much phone time like every time were in the car they want to each have a phone to take pictures with make videos or watch youtube and if you say no its a full melt down and if the phones don't go how they want them to its a full on melt down in the car with yelling and crying and that could lead to a car accident. Am I just over reacting or is this a ligate concern. I guess my main concerns are should 6 and 7 year olds be all about makeup and purses and still not know their manners or should this be something of a concern?

I'm a FTM to a little boy who's about to turn 2. For context, he's completely "normal" in all areas except communication. He talks all the time but he's not saying any real words yet and I can't get him to do sign language. He understands us when we talk to him, he just can't/wont communicate back.

When he has tantrums, it's usually because he got a toy stuck somewhere or he wants his water cup filled up. But instead of coming to me or trying to show me, he just plops down and screams and cries. I've tried helping him and trying to get him to say "mama help", I've tried ignoring him until he comes to me, but nothing seems to work

When he throws his tantrums he will throw his toys and kind of lightly try and smack me if I'm close to him. If I try and hold him he squirms and tries to smack me (he's a large child and I am a small adult so it's difficult to hold onto him), if I try and redirect he will slam himself on the floor. I'm getting to the point where I don't know how to handle tantrums. I know he's got big emotions and can't regulate them, I know I'm supposed to stay calm and try and help him through it.

I just need advice on how to handle these tantrums when he can't communicate well and do it in a way that is loving but not setting him on the course to be an asshole kid

Have a 4 y/o & a 2 y/o. Our bedtime routine is:

- Give kids a bath

- Read books together as a family

- Separate; each kid goes with one parent to their rooms (we alternate which kid we put to bed)

- We might read more books, chat, etc. before lights out

- We lay with them until they fall asleep, then we sneak out and try to have a bit of night to ourselves

The problem with this routine is for some reason, the kids are staying up later and not falling asleep until 8-9. At that point, there's not much night left for us.

At what point did you find you could wean them off helping them sleep to them sleeping on their own? The 2 y/o still has a couple more years it seems, but the 4 y/o should be able to, no?

Our son is very recently 4 and he's just become an absolute terror when he wants to be.

He is the most wonderful, kind boy the majority of the time but sometimes we're just having relentless battles (which is really frustrating because we know it's not who he is).

This week he has spat in my face 3 times because he thinks it's funny, he's been whipping up with clothes because when he did it by accident I said that hurts people please don't do it again.

There never seems to be a particular trigger but it's like a switch flips and he just goes crazy. He's obviously disregulated as he's running around laughing just trying to do anything to upset and hurt everyone around him.

Does anyone else experience this? We often say the behaviour is unacceptable and ask him to leave the room to calm down. He has a bunch of emotion regulation books and activities and timers which we set for this. He usually picks the timer he needs but when it's really bad he just throws stuff at us and we have to shut the door between us to protect ourselves as he will just follow us around trying to hurt us if we don't create a physical barrier.

(Both parents have ADHD and sleep has always been incredibly difficult for us so I would not be surprised if this is at play here too).

Hi! I am looking for your favorite resources on patenting advice to toddlers but in small bites. I have personally followed some accounts on instagram and TikTok that I enjoy that talk about gentle parenting, tantrums, etc., but I am hoping to find some additional resources to share with my husband.

Our daughter is now entering the threenager phase and tantrums are fully ramping up. I feel like I’ve learned a lot about early childhood development over the years as a teacher and just following some of the research based accounts (they’re OTs, PTs, psychs etc) but it’s would like to be able to share some specific readable content with my husband that isn’t just a book. We are both trying to get fully on the same team with how we handle tantrums and general toddlerhood, but a book isn’t necessarily a feasible format for either of us at the moment (although I am hoping we can both listen to a couple so if you have any reccs, send them my way)

Lately my son (6) has gotten into the habit of doing something he knows he shouldn’t (messing with the hand weights, opening the new cereal box before the old one is finished, running in the house) and when I catch him or something breaks, he says “sorry, I accidentally picked up the weights/I accidentally opened a new box/I accidentally ran in the house.”

Every time I tell him, it’s not an accident, you’re doing it on purpose.

How do I get him to understand that he can’t just do whatever he wants and then say sorry/it was an accident after - especially when he does something on purpose and then thinks saying sorry makes it fine?

My 2 year old in 10 days has entered her biting phase. Late to the game for it, unexpected and catches me off guard when she does it. Today has been a very testing day, including a 1 hr long full on tantrum. Right as I’m taking her to bed when I’m at my tipping point; she bites my shoulder hard.

I reacted without thinking and shouted OW NO! And put her down. Immediately I did my own emotional regulation which is I close my eyes, take a deep breath and count to five on my index and thumb meeting at a circle. Like meditating fingers 👌🏻when I opened my eyes my daughter was doing the same thing. I took her hands and apologised, and she also said “sorry mummy” and then we moved on to bath time.

I am so freaking proud of her, I did tell her what brilliant emotional regulation she was showcasing and how proud I was. It’s so rewarding to see my hard work pay off. Whilst I’m not proud of my reaction to shout, at least we can repair and move on together. Ah I love being a mum!

I have two daughters, 4 and 2, and my 4 year old doesn’t respond to any discipline. We have tried:

- getting in their level and talking to them
- explaining how their actions make others feel
- removing them from fun
- taking things away from them
- rewarding good behavior
- immediate corrections
- ignoring things that seem to be to get a reaction/attention
- time outs
- yelling
- spanking

Especially with the spanking, that has only been a handful of times in severe cases, but we don’t like/want to do it because my husband and I believe violence breeds violence. With the yelling, we tried to yell to show her we were serious, but to no avail and so we gave that up. We have tried everything else consistently to give it a fair chance to work, but she still doesn’t take us seriously when we tell her to stop and talks back.

I know that we’re in the middle of a defiant age, developmentally, since there’s so much going on, but this is now starting to rub off on the 2 year old. How do I deal with a child who openly refuses consequences? What strategies have worked for you to correct these problems and stop it before it’s regular for the younger sibling?

I have a 22 month old and (in two days) a 6 month old. My husband has the ability to make his own schedule, but it still has to be 8 hours a day, at least 5 days a week (this includes any commute time, so 8 hours total when he works). So basically, what schedule would you ask for if you could have anything you wanted within these parameters?
Would you do two days off back to back? One day off in the middle of the week, one on the weekend? Would you do the traditional 9-5? Would you want him to do 6 am to 2 pm? 7 am to 3 pm?
What works best for you as a SAHM with 2u2?
We’ve been trying out a few different schedules, but I want to hear other SAHM’s opinions.
He’s very helpful when he’s home, and loves being with our kids, which is what makes this a wonderful opportunity. He still has a lot of work to do though, but is trying to make my schedule as easy as possible.
So let me know, what schedule would you have your husband do if you could pick anything at all?

my brother is 11, and I have no clue how to deal with him, in my country, schools do admission tests, till now he has done multiple tests, for multiple schools, and even retook some, and failed all of them, I have helped him with studying before, he isn't dumb, he can pass these tests, but it's like he simply doesn't care.

Gonna sound old as hell, but all he wants to do is play video games, watch YouTube shorts, and eat like shit. He has a very stubborn attitude, can't take criticism, can't take advice, it's so bad that when a teacher tries to guide him in exams and get him to correct a mistake, instead of taking advantage of that like any other normal kid and try to get the correct answer, he instead would get angry at the fact she is even correcting him, he is unmotivated, doesn't seem to have any aspirations or dreams, he doesn't have a single hobby, no sports, no reading, (sometimes art but it looks like he given up on that too)

I don't like how things are going with my brother, sure his and my generation definitely have problems with social media, doomscrolling, junk food etc. but I feel like most kids aren't as lazy or helpless as him.

I don't know, I am frustrated with him, frustrated by my parents because they have practically given up on him, to some extent I kind of understand why he is like that, our household is always filled with a comment, a critique, it's exhausting.

But it's genuinely insane to me, because his attitude isn't helping him, and i don't think he is unaware of that fact yet he keeps doing it.

Yes I tried to get My parents to get him to a psychiatrist, yes I tried to convince them to put him in a sport, yes I try to encourage some of his positive interests like art. But it's not working.

I know this post doesn't sound the best, but I love my brother I want what's best for him, but if he continues like this.. fuck his life will be actual hell, and in this world no one will come to save him.

I am a busy college student, I don't have the luxury of re-parenting him, but fuck man no one seems to be willing to do anything here, help. Me.

I don’t know where to start from, I’m crying while writing this and I don’t understand why this is happening. I need help
My 16 mo old boy has a strong relation with his dad to the point he calls him mama and is glued to him all day. We both work from home, due to cooking etc, he spends most of his time with the dad. Usually he would still prefer his dad but would also be fine with me. Since 2 days he’s not eating/drinking milk properly and has grown so distant and ignorant towards me. It breaks my heart. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. Both me and the dad do shower time and bed time. It’s too much that my husband can’t do anything because my son would cry to be with him
I feel like a failure and I’m so desperate for help it’s really heart breaking

It probably isn't uncommon for grandparents to be concerned about the parenting of their grandchildren. We are very concerned about one of our daughters' kids since we observe that virtually no parenting happens, and as we care for the kids often due to childcare for working parents' issues, we confront myriad developmental shortcomings. Kids are ultimately nice boys, 6 and 8 years old, but they get virtually no care at home. Our daughter suffers from depression, and her husband believes his only responsibility is going to work.

My wife and I are relatively aligned with expectations, but she is more patient and accommodating than me which can create tension between us, too. My attitude when parenting our kids was that our job was to prepare them to be in command of their own futures and be able to choose rather than settle for what required less preparation and discipline. My wife didn't disagree, but she chose lax and loving over discipline and good habits. These dynamics also present in our approaches to grandparenting.

I am retired, though consulting with a book of clients, but my schedule is often easy and I can choose. My wife is still practicing in her field as she is younger. Now that I'm "available" I get the grandkids several days a week. Screen time, poor habits, uncooperative attitudes, etc. make it difficult, and I want to do the best things for them, much of which in my view isn't anything close to what they can accept. I do trips, play games, go to playgrounds, try to read to them, encourage crafts and art, etc. Their standard behavior is to act out, be wild, refuse to cooperate, fight with each other, and ignore directions (picking up after themselves, stop hitting each other, respect other people's space, property, time, privacy, etc.

Any insights on tactics to better deal with this?

I feel like a goofus but am I supposed to engage my 24 month old and play with her pretty much all day? She screams and intervenes if I try to do things like chores or reading about 95% of the time. I assume I should not give in sometimes but I think I almost always give in. Like if I try to read a book she’ll make whining sounds and try take it from me until either she succeeds in taking it or I put the book down.

If we’re out anywhere that’s supposed to be fun for her she attaches to me. I’ve been told I was the same glued to my mum’s leg. She won’t do things independently at the park for example I have to suggest things to her and walk right along with her to whatever it is. I feel like I have to lead so much play every time. But is that standard?
The amount of play has been burning me out so I’m feeling pretty disengaged after a while but genuinely I’m confused am I supposed to do my reading or chores sometimes while letting her cry till she presumably eventually stops? that just feels like ignoring her needs but is it or is it not giving into a tantrum? I feel so clueless about how to be a good parent in the mundane day to day moments and the parenting books I’ve read haven’t explained that.

I'm curious how other parents handle this.

After you've yelled at your child, what helps you repair the moment?

I've been learning a lot about how much those few minutes afterward can shape the relationship, and I'm interested in hearing what's actually worked for other families.

I've also come across a free parenting workshop on this topic that I found helpful.

By the time we got to know our second baby developed flat head- she was 4M old. Obviously our first reaction wasn’t to take her to Physical Therapy (PT) or use a helmet. I wish we did that. We didn’t have enough awareness about all this.

By the time we acted and took her to PT, she was 5M. We were still hoping her flat head would resolve on its own with increased tummy time.

By the time we had her seen by a cranial specialist and they recommended helmet, she’s 5.5M.
Hoping the helmet treatment would begin before she turns 6M. (Currently going through the insurance process for the helmet treatment)

I’m getting so scared, guilty and depressed for my second baby for going through this.

Please share some positive experiences about the helmet journey for infants. ❤️‍🩹

I have a pretty shy, slow-to-warm-up 3 year old girl. I'm a SAHM but we're always out and about at various playgroups/library events etc. She's been mostly ignoring/barely speaking to other adults as long as I remember unless she sees them extremely often. She did three sets of parent included swimming lessons and overall loves going to the pool.

Last week she started non parented swimming lessons and it's been a disaster. It takes about 5 minutes to even make her get in the water with a (very patient) instructor. One moment she happily blows bubbles and in a minute she throws a bucket in the pool because the instructor dares to ask her which colour bucket she would like to have. I'm not sure what sets her off sometimes because she gets upset over the most trivial things. I cannot sit farther than 2 meters from the class or she'll scream and run out of the pool.

When we talk before the lesson she tells me she understands she should follow the directions, that she will behave well and won't scream or run away but once we're there it's like something clicks in her brain. She's comfortable holding hands with the instructor while playing some games so I don't think she dislikes her. There's only one other kid in the class so she gets plenty of attention.

I really don't want to teach her that once she misbehaves she can stop the activity. She's generally not prone to tantrums, talks and expresses herself really well, so I'm genuinely not used to this behaviour. What would be the best course of action for us? Thank you