u/SeaSwordfish6061

Apologies that this may end up being a sort of long post but I feel so confused about would love any thoughts or experiences! I don’t know how to tell if I’m non-binary in any way.

I am AFAB and almost 30 yo now. I realized I was queer when I was 13 and had relationships with both girls and boys as a teenager. I was always seen as fairly “girly” because I would do my makeup every day and wear “feminine” clothing. But as long as I can remember, I did always hate clothing that was form fitting at all around my boobs or made them stand out more. Senior year when I was 18, I cut my hair short and went between very “girly” outfits and more androgynous outfits, and I felt super confident in more androgynous outfits. However, going into college, I let my hair grow out and presented very femme, which idk how much was just me wanting to vs performing for the male gaze (which I cared way too much about at the time).

Now I’m married to a straight, cis man (a leftist and very progressive) and have two kids with him. I’ve always just said I’m a bi woman, but I felt like I have never really had much time to think about or explore my identity until the past year when both my kids have been in school. I’ve been really uncomfortable in my body since my first was born because my boobs are several sizes bigger and I’m generally more curvy. I’ve half-joked for years with my husband that I wish I could get rid of my boobs and have more of a “boy” body. For the longest time, I’ve resorted to wearing sweatpants and sweatshirts almost all the time to feel like my body is more hidden and I just work from home.

This past year I’ve been having a lot of inner turmoil as well as some positive self discoveries. Although I really do not think I actually want to be a man, for a while I felt very upset that I was not born a gay man. And although I love my husband so much and do not want our relationship to change, I started wondering if I would be more comfortable in a relationship with a woman because I might be able to more easily express masc traits.

This year I told my husband I wanted to create a sort of shared wardrobe because we wear roughly the same size in clothes and I liked the looser fitting men’s styles. Now I LOVE that and feel so hot in that style lol I now describe my style as “a thong + big men’s pants”. But otherwise am pretty femme presenting. I also always thought that I wanted to be more of a “bottom” / submissive in bed and though it was fine, it always felt a bit uncomfortable or awkward. Recently I started trying out being more of a dom “top” and we both love it and I want to explore this further.

So now all of the thoughts that have been going on in my head… I feel fairly tied to the identity of being a woman and how amazing women are and that’s what I’ve known my whole life, but I feel confused by how much more confident I feel when leaning more androgynous in style. Although my husband and I are both very anti gender roles, I do feel like I end up inherently falling into them to some extent and have felt really good when feeling like I’m bringing out more of my masc energy. But I keep wondering, am I non binary or just a girl who doesn’t like wearing “girly” clothes? Am I non binary, or do I just want to push myself more against gender roles in my relationship? If I had ended up in a relationship with a woman, would I feel the need to even wonder if I was non binary and feel more confident in my queer identity and just leaning more masc as a woman?

Today I randomly asked my husband if he would still want to be with me if I were nonbinary. He said yes of course, that wouldn’t change anything and I’d support you. I told him I really really didn’t know if I was, but opened up some about these feelings, which obviously wasn’t a huge shock since I’ve been saying I want a “boy” body for a while and sharing his clothes lol. He then made a joke asking if that means more pegging, which is something I’ve half-jokingly said I wanted to do for most of our relationship but we never have.

I know at the end of the day, labels aren’t always needed as long as I’m doing what makes me happy, but I can’t stop thinking about it!

My husband and I have both been struggling so much figuring out how to handle video games with our 8 year old son and I'm wondering if we should get rid of them all together or if that's too harsh.

Our son is almost finishing 2nd grade and was introduced to Minecraft by peers at the start of the school year. I started taking him to the library about an hour or two a week so he could play on the computers there and it got stressful for me very fast because he would get very emotional when it was time to leave and beg to go play every day after school despite us having a set schedule around it that he could anticipate. I tried to be very understanding of his feelings because I know even as an adult its hard when you have to stop doing something fun but still maintain the limits.

For Christmas, the only thing he was asking for was a Nintendo Switch that he can play Minecraft on. I was very hesitant, but we ended up getting him one. We let him play without as many limits over winter break but then set the expectation that when school started again, it would only be available on the weekends for about 3 hours.

I feel like our relationship with him has drastically changed since he got the Switch. He used to be excited to read with me after school, or go to the park, or build legos, or play with friends. Now he almost exclusively talks about his video games and has little interest in other things. Even when we go to the park, he now complains the whole time about how hed rather play the Switch. Thankfully on the weekdays after school, he will eventually play with his sister or a neighbor friend, but after begging us a bunch to play the Switch and telling us, his parents, that we are "mean" or making him have "the worst day ever" despite it always being the rule that he doesnt use it on weekdays. He and the neighbor friends will come over after school and beg to play and we have to keep saying no over and over. If I take him to a playdate somewhere else, its a big fight with him begging to bring his Switch. It just feels like his life is now centered around the Switch and the only interactions us as his parents have with him now is constantly setting the boundaries and him always upset with us.

This past weekend was a good example of how almost every weekend goes when he does get to play. On Saturday morning he asked to play with his sister and we agreed. My husband and I were having a slower morning and at least 3 hours passed of them playing before we told them it was time to be done. Right afterward he asked to go to the neighbors house to play and then they both came to our house 20 minutes later begging to play the Switch. We told him no over and over because he just got done playing for 3 hours and repeated that again the next hours. Later in the day, one of his old pre-k friends came over and my son kept begging us to play Minecraft with him and we told them they could for a bit since they don't see eachother much. It was then really stressful trying to get him to stop after several warnings. On Sunday he asked me to play first thing in the morning and I said no, that he got a lot of time on Saturday and we had a lot of plans. He still begged to almost every hour for the entire day and when either me or my husband tried to interact with him about anything else, he acted very upset and grumpy.

Then this morning before school he spent the whole morning throwing a fit about how he didn't get to play at all on Sunday. He was refusing to get ready for school and it turned into just a big stressful morning for everyone. I just so badly miss the kid that was excited to play boardgames, or read books, or go to the park, or ride bikes with his friends. I don't know if it's going too far or if there is a better solution, especially because I feel so bad to take away a Christmas gift that he was so excited for, but at this point I just don't know what else to do besides not allow him to have a Switch or access to video games anymore.

I've been with my now husband for 10 years and we have two young kids together. We have always lived in the same city as my in laws and see them at least once a week. All of my family live very far away. Despite all the time together, I have always really felt like they care a lot more about their son and our kids than me. I know obviously they will always have more of a connection to their own son, but even this year on my birthday both of them forgot to say anything to me which I found so strange considering how much we see them and how involved I am in their lives regularly with us living so close compared to my own parents.

We finally decided to get married last week and it was really wonderful! We kept it simple with a courthouse ceremony and dinner afterwards with our family and friends. We had a semi-informal time for speeches at the end of dinner and I had heard that my in laws where practicing theirs the day before which I thought was sweet. All of my own family member's speeches focused on how much they loved me and then about getting to know my husband, how wonderful he is and why they are happy I have him, and welcoming him into our family.

My MILs speech started by naming my husband's ex girlfriend and talking about her for a few minutes, but in the context of describing how he didn't seem that into her. Then talked about how eager he seemed before our first date. Then after that just went into more detail about her son and how proud she was of him. My FILs speech didn't even reference me and was just about how he instilled good traits in his son and is proud of him.

I have been feeling a little weird and sad about this the past week. I didn't mention my feelings to anyone and no one else has mentioned it to me so I just wanted somewhere to get it out there and also see if this is somewhat normal for wedding speeches (and if it's worth mentioning to my husband or just moving on??)