Teenage journal solidified OAD
I was visiting my parents and clearing some things out of my old room when I found a journal that I wrote in when I was 15 and 16. There was one entry in there about an interaction I had with my mom that completely solidified my OAD status. I thought I totally remembered the interaction but it was so different reading it from my POV in the moment. Long story short, a boy asked me out (first time) and I liked him but had no idea how to deal. Now I understand that I have anxiety and it was activated in full force but there was no language or even a concept for that back then. When I confided in my mom, her response left me feeling completely ashamed of my feelings. In my desperation to stop feeling anxious, I cut things off with the boy and I’m not proud that my actions hurt him. My mom thought she was giving me the right advice but she just did not have the emotional intelligence, knowledge, or bandwidth to identify what I was feeling and help me through it in a productive and loving way.
I never want my daughter to feel that way and I certainly never want her to feel shame after confiding in me about something so personal and vulnerable. I know if I have another I will not be able to devote the amount of brain and emotional space to her that I want, especially when she gets older and her issues become more complex.