u/sunkenm00n

I'm not a parent yet, but my husband and I have been talking about trying in the next year or so. I always just assumed I'd have two kids (I'm the youngest of two) but after months of reflection, I think OAD is the life that would work best for us. We have a small house, employment in fields that are steady but without ample promotion opportunities, and small families about two hours away. It just seems like OAD aligns with the resources we have available. Plus, I smile at the image of a triangle family and giving everything we have to our child.

A few days ago, I saw a comment on a parenting sub, I think it was r/fencesitter. I'm sorry I don't have a screenshot, but basically the comment said, "You should have one fewer child than the number of children you think you can handle."

What are your thoughts on this sentiment? I see a lot of posts here where people share they are OAD after experiencing the challenges of parenthood, so I'm just curious if this sentiment resonates with this community.

As for me, this comment activates some anxiety and has me second guessing whether I can do parenthood at all. If I think I can handle only one, does that mean I really can't handle any? Hoping to hear thoughts from folks who were OAD by choice before parenthood.

TIA. And if you happen to be having a hard parenting day while reading this, just know that this non-parent admires your OAD life and knows you are doing your best ❤️

Hi! Here's a big reflection on what taoism has done for me in just one week.

I stumbled upon taoism just a week ago. I got the Le Guin and Mitchell versions of the TTC and have been enjoying reading both versions and comparing them.

I have had mental health issues my entire life - high anxiety mostly, and some depression. My childhood often felt like a rush, and early adulthood was a chase. Everything was always Very Important. I pushed away alone time - my schedule had to be filled with anything but space for my mind to wander down what would inevitably become rabbit holes of fear and sadness.

Once I started medication a few months ago and got my anxiety under control, I finally felt like I could relax into myself and my world. And then I found taoism, and it was like something clicked.

For three years my therapist has been providing Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, mindfulness meditations, and grounding techniques. None of it worked particularly well until I happened upon the Dao. It finally made sense - I'm not trying to control my mind per se, rather I'm trying to feel connected to and to flow along with everything outside it.

I was raised Jewish but as an adult I've identified as culturally Jewish, and spiritual but not religious. And now I realize what "spiritual but not religious" really means for me. I believe in something, I feel something, but I do not stand apart as separate, as its creation. I am part of it, and it is part of me and everything outside of me.

Reading the TTC is fascinating from a Jewish background. In Judaism, we are commanded to perform mitzvot, or good deeds. These deeds connect us to God and to each other. In taoism, we accept that there is good and evil in all of us. Good deeds are not commanded, but they flow out naturally. That acceptance creates compassion for the self, for one another, and connects us to the Dao, which takes no sides because it is all oneness.

When I learned about the hun and po souls, I finally had words for what I have always believed about death. I don't imagine pearly gates. I am comforted by the thought of the soft embrace of the soil, and a spirit that lives on, invisible but still in the ether. I know this because energy cannot be created, nor destroyed. It's always around us in transformed ways, so a goodbye is never really a goodbye, nor is a hello a true newness.

The biggest revelation for me was the experience of flow state. I experience flow state often through many creative hobbies. I truly believe that this is a form of connecting with the Dao beyond what I can normally physically experience on earth.

And lastly, taoism provides a positive approach to what may otherwise be considered nihilistic tendencies. "Nothing matters" because with the Dao, everything is just as it should be, nothing more and nothing less.

TL;DR: In just one week, taoism has put in words what I have always felt, providing a sense of clarity and calmness that I have never experienced before. I am so grateful to continue my studies and do lots of wu wei and tai chi in my future :-)

I (31F) and my husband (30M) have been talking about potentially having kids soon. One of our biggest concerns is finances.

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My husband struggled growing up. His mom had steady work, but his dad did not. They occasionally relied on their church for meals. There were always some Christmas and birthday presents, but no summer camps, no activities, no big vacations, etc.

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Meanwhile, I grew up upper middle class. I had a large house growing up, and we took several vacations to foreign countries. I did several activities - music lessons, girl scouts, dance, summer camps - and if my parents struggled, I never really felt it or saw it.

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Today the my husband and I are somewhere in the middle. We have occasional luxuries like dinners out, but no big trips. We live in a modest home in a working class neighborhood. Some months are harder than others, but we've never been late on bills or our mortgage.

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Still, our financial concerns for having a baby come from mixed perspectives. My husband wants to make sure a child doesn't have to experience what he experienced, and never has to worry about food on the table. Meanwhile, I feel confident that we could provide a stable situation and cover the basic necessities, but I would almost feel like I would fail a child if I couldn't provide them as many opportunities as I had. It's ingrained in me that future generations are supposed to do better than their parents, and I just know that we won't be able to swing the type of childhood I experienced.

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Does anyone relate to this or have any advice? How much does a potential child's lifestyle affect your decision?

I (31F) would really like to learn from others. About a year ago, I started to get crazy baby fever. My husband (29M) was very clear with me in saying he wasn't ready, and he asked for more time. The baby fever was so bad that I spiraled into a depression - in my mind, "not now" meant "not ever."

I don't exactly know how, but somewhere in that spiral of depression, I started to think that maybe not having a baby at all is the way I should live my life. First, I am just so afraid of screwing up and making that little kid's life terrible because of our choices or our circumstances. I struggle with anxiety and my husband struggles with depression, and it's hard to think I could bring someone into that same place mentally whether by nature or nurture. It's like, I know that life is worth living and I LOVE my life today, but it took such a long time for me to get to this level of acceptance and comfort. What if the little one struggles and never makes it through to the other side?

Second, now that I've been on this journey, I am also afraid of losing what I've built to get here. I worked so hard to build up healthy habits with exercise and sleep, I lean into my alone time for creative outlets that bring me self-fulfillment, and I have worked extremely hard to get my finances in a comfortable place. As for my husband, he is even more introverted and thrives on the routines he's built to manage his depression. His depression makes him avoidant of healthcare, but he just scheduled his first doctor's appointment in years and I'm so proud of him! :)

Basically, I am afraid that the stresses and daily realities of having a child would present drawbacks to the progress we have made to be healthy and financially secure - and those drawbacks would in turn affect our child's wellbeing. Despite the intense feelings my "clock" has given me, these fears are so strong that they make me question what I want in life.

TL;DR: Has anyone been through this - either oscillating back and forth on the fence so intensely, or struggling with the idea of mental health setbacks? What did you ultimately decide to do, and how are you handling it?

Also, please know that I am working through these issues with my therapist - but I am posting here to learn from others' experiences :)