u/sunkenm00n

Hi all! I am not a parent yet, but my husband and I will be TTC next year. I am fairly sure I am OAD - when I picture our family, one child just feels right.

One reason is because of our neurodivergence. While we haven't been tested as adults, we strongly suspect my husband has ADHD and is on the autism spectrum. His main struggle is with executive functioning and overstimulation. As for me, I also get overstimulated very quickly and shut down, especially in situations with high noise, crowds, or heat.

For folks in this sub who are parents with neurodivergence or partners of someone who is neurodivergent, can you share your story in the comments? My mind sometimes plays tricks on me and tells me that we can't be successful parents, so hearing happily OAD stories from neurodivergent parents would really be helpful.

Also, our goal before TTC is to start actively addressing these concerns through therapy, primary care, etc.!

Thank you!

I have been struggling with deciding whether or not to have a child. I want a child, but I often fear that I cannot handle parenthood.

A few weeks ago I asked the oracle, "Will the challenges of motherhood be worth the reward?" I got #42, Increasing. I interpreted this to mean that yes, not only will it be worth it, but good fortune will come with parenthood.

A few days ago I asked the oracle, "Now that I have found myself, how can I make sure I don't lose myself, especially if I become a mother?" I got #61 Inner Truth. I interpreted this to mean that I need to trust myself and be sincere in my actions - I.e., trust my desire for parenthood over my fears.

But what blew me away was my moving line #2. This moved #61 to... #42, the same gua from my earlier divination about motherhood. And the commentary on this line is about a mother crane calling to her babies.

I was awestruck. I don't believe in coincidences being purely coincidental, especially not for something with this level of life-changing potential. The oracle is guiding me with a clarity I have never experienced before.

I am wishing everyone good fortune and meaningful insight in your divinations ❤️

Hi all. I am new to the I Ching and currently using a copy from my local library. It's Alfred Huang's version from the 1990s. I am really enjoying the I Ching and would like to purchase my own copy.

Huang was clear in the introduction that he tried to make his version true to the original Chinese, which he shares can result in some confusion for readers. I have been getting through ok, but I find myself double checking the meaning of each gua with other sources online, since some parts do confuse me (mostly the King Wen and Confucius commentary).

So, I am curious to see if anyone has any other suggestions for I Ching versions in English. I want to be clear that I admire Huang's efforts of authenticity, but as a beginner, I think it would be easier for me to start with a text that is more liberal with the translations. Once I feel more confident, I hope to revisit Huang.

Thank you so much!

I am new to the I Ching, and today I did my first divination using the 8 coin method. I got Hexagram 63, "Already Completed," with moving line 1 (yang).

The question I asked the oracle was, "Please help me understand my decision on whether or not to have children."

How would you interpret this result?

One thing I've noticed in some resources is the phrase "staying childfree" when referring to fencesitters. I think I read this in The Baby Decision, and I've heard it in the Kids or Childfree podcast.

My concern with the phrase is that, while technically I have no children, I am not currently living my life as though I have made the decision to be childfree. For example:

1. I work a job that offers some college tuition support for dependents. I am not seeking other jobs because I might want or need that benefit.

2. My family is planning trips for 2027 and 2028. I'm being cautious about timing and durations because I might want to start trying for a baby.

3. I'm hesitating on house projects because we might have to accommodate a third human living in our home.

If I were "staying childfree," none of these factors would matter. I would just live my life as though I am never planning on having children.

Does anyone else struggle with the phrase "staying childfree" in these resources? They intend to help fencesitters make a decision, but it's hard when the baseline expectation is that you're actively living a childfree life.

And for that matter, does anyone else struggle with these mights? Sometimes I wish I could just decide already so I wouldn't have to feel so precarious all the time.

The other day I was reflecting on stories, movies, and TV shows. I find that I am almost always disappointed by final endings. A chapter that ends on a cliffhanger, or a TV show season that ends with a mystery, is much more interesting than when I arrive at the conclusion. I never remember the "who" in a whodunnit, I just remember the feeling of adventure and suspense. Or on the flip side, a story that ends in "happily ever after" makes me smile, but I'm always left wondering how those ever-after days are filled.

I suppose this is similar to Daoist views on life and death. If I could know the Dao, and if I could know my story's ending and what happens after I die, it wouldn't be any fun. Daily living is fun, and the mystery of life and death is the interesting part. And yet, it seems many of us often fear the unknown, sometimes anchoring lived experiences around the hope of an afterlife where everything may finally make sense.

How about you all - do you like endings, or prefer the mystery? Has an ending ever felt powerful and moving to you?

I thought this simple poll could be interesting to see how people in this sub lean.

Is your experience as an only child mostly positive, or mostly negative?

View Poll

I'm 31F. I noticed in March that my upper lip was chapped after spending a cool windy day on a long walk in the city. My lips have stayed chapped since then, but the chapped areas have moved. First it was just my upper lip on my right side, and now it's my whole upper lip, the corner of my right side, and a bit on my left lower lip.

So far I have tried Chapstick, Carmex, Vaseline, and Aquaphor lip balm. Usually I apply at night and sometimes during the day after wetting my lips. I feel like they have all made the chapping worse. Chapstick left my lips stiff, Carmex appeared to make them drier over time, Vaseline left huge areas of chapped skin the next day, and Aquaphor works but burns/tingles and leaves my skin feeling sort of raw the next day.

I will admit that ever since this happened, I've been bad about licking/biting my lips, so that certainly isn't helping but I'm trying to get better. I also read that toothpaste can cause chapped lips? I use Sensodyne. I haven't changed toothpastes, but my dentist said I should spit my excess toothpaste out, which I've now been doing since March (same timeline as the city walk). Is it possible that spitting instead of rinsing is irritating my lips?

What can I do? Is there another mystery product out there? Is there a behavioral modification I need to do? I just want normal lips again :(

Also I'm in the northern hemisphere so it's super humid and warm. I am worried about how much worse this will get in winter!

TIA!

I am not yet a parent, but my husband and I plan to start trying next year. I've been leaning OAD for a while, but every now and then I think about what it would be like to have 2 kids.

I just tried something that was very revealing for me. I pulled up a photo of me and my husband. Our arms are around each other, and we're leaning in for the camera. We are dressed nice (it was a wedding), smiling big, and it's a beautiful sunny day. I.e., it is a happy, us-at-our-best sort of photo. I edited the photo with the markup tool. First, I drew two little stick figures, one on each side of us. I saved a copy of that photo. Then, I made a new edit with only one little stick figure, in between me and my husband. I saved a copy of that version.

I then went to the original photo, and the two copies were next to it. I swiped through all three versions of the photo. And I noticed that the version with two stick figures gave me an anxious response - tight muscles, shortness of breath, tingling in my hands. Then, when I swiped to the photo with just one, I felt a calmness wash over me. Both feelings were pretty much immediate, and I've had the same responses when trying it a few times now. I can't really describe it, but in the version with just one, I felt like I was looking at something my husband and I could handle. And it felt like I was looking at a family instead of a group.

Perhaps this is silly since it's literally just drawing on a photograph lol. But I really feel like the imagery, however crude, was a simple and powerful way to confirm my OAD choice. There was no overthinking, just raw gut reaction.

I (31F) am leaning towards having kids, and have always wanted kids, but am recently having concerns about it that entice me toward CF. One of the concerns I see often among other fencesitters, and those who ultimately choose CF, is sacrificing hobbies, professional goals, travel, and other activities that give passion, meaning, and fulfillment.

I have recently found myself drawn to non-activity and simple living, as well as taoism as a spiritual belief. I am lucky to have a generous PTO policy, and one of my favorite things is take a day off and do...nothing. Maybe some exercise or play music or read, but mostly to just sit in the quiet and have time to recalibrate, explore my thoughts, and appreciate my natural surroundings. It seems time is our greatest gift, but it is always rushing by, and the ability to just slow down and appreciate it is one of my favorite treasures these days. It gives me meaning and fulfillment in a very different way from, for example, accomplishing a goal or experiencing something unusual.

If I had kids, I would hope to still work the same job, but of course my PTO needs would be different and likely repurposed into time with children. Still, my childhood was over-filled with activities, and I would hope to give a child a balance between doing things and just being. I know it sounds a little strange in our bustling 21st century world, but I really believe that over-scheduling can be a detriment to children and adults alike. Yet the dominant parenting and childhood narratives that I see look like a full calendar, miles put on the minivan, and a go-go-go approach to life. This gives me an insecurity that my approach to life doesn't make me a good fit for raising children since my narrative would be different.

I guess I just want to know if anyone else has this same inclination toward non-activity and shares these concerns. Or, if there are others out there who imagine different approaches to parenting than what they see/experienced, and struggle with the thought of actualizing them and still being a good parent.

Hello! I am a woman in my early 30s. Recently I've been finding that, compared to my 20s, I am absolutely exhausted by weekends away. Usually these weekends are a 2 hour drive on Friday night to see family, staying over for two nights, and arriving back home between 2 pm - 5 pm on Sunday. My husband and I do this about once a month, and twice in the summer. Other than that, we don't really travel much.

I feel like once I hit my 30s, a flip switched and I am just exhausted by these trips. It's only 2 hours, and we don't really do anything during the weekend other than chill, watch movies, etc. Is it normal to feel so drained by travel?

I love my family so I will keep visiting, but I'm trying my best to accommodate things like grocery shopping and laundry in advance, so I can just relax on Sunday night. I never had to do this before though!

Signed, someone struggling to get out of bed on Monday after a weekend away, lol!

A lifetime of anxiety. Years in therapists' offices, one after another. CBT, acceptance & commitment therapy, yoga, running, mindfulness meditations, body scans, wellbeing apps, journals, mood trackers, affirmations, all of it.

Then one little 10 milligram pill came along and It. Has. Changed. Everything.

Turns out life doesn't have to be a constant to-do list, a Plan B and Plan C and Plan D, crying over intrusive catastrophic thoughts, double checking to see if loved ones are still breathing when they sleep, and a never ending cycle of self hate.

You really can just...get up. Get your stuff done. Go home. Relax.

I am beyond grateful for this little miracle pill, and the courage I summoned from somewhere deep inside to give it a try. I hope you find this peace, either on Lex, or through whatever method works best for you. 🤍

Hi!

I am getting back into playing cello after many years off. I'm planning to join my local community orchestra this fall.

I am hoping to become pregnant in the next year or two. I know once a baby arrives I'll have to sacrifice some playing time and stop orchestra for a bit, especially during the newborn phase. But, if I can help it, I don't want to get so rusty again with another yearslong gap of time off from the cello.

Any advice for how to fit in some practicing time with an infant/toddler in the house? Also, I have a small house 😅 It's a 3 bed rancher, so you can hear me no matter what room I'm in. And if it matters, I would be a working mom.

I know this is super far in advance for me, but I like to have a plan!

TIA!

I'm not a parent yet, but my husband and I have been talking about trying in the next year or so. I always just assumed I'd have two kids (I'm the youngest of two) but after months of reflection, I think OAD is the life that would work best for us. We have a small house, employment in fields that are steady but without ample promotion opportunities, and small families about two hours away. It just seems like OAD aligns with the resources we have available. Plus, I smile at the image of a triangle family and giving everything we have to our child.

A few days ago, I saw a comment on a parenting sub, I think it was r/fencesitter. I'm sorry I don't have a screenshot, but basically the comment said, "You should have one fewer child than the number of children you think you can handle."

What are your thoughts on this sentiment? I see a lot of posts here where people share they are OAD after experiencing the challenges of parenthood, so I'm just curious if this sentiment resonates with this community.

As for me, this comment activates some anxiety and has me second guessing whether I can do parenthood at all. If I think I can handle only one, does that mean I really can't handle any? Hoping to hear thoughts from folks who were OAD by choice before parenthood.

TIA. And if you happen to be having a hard parenting day while reading this, just know that this non-parent admires your OAD life and knows you are doing your best ❤️

Hi! Here's a big reflection on what taoism has done for me in just one week.

I stumbled upon taoism just a week ago. I got the Le Guin and Mitchell versions of the TTC and have been enjoying reading both versions and comparing them.

I have had mental health issues my entire life - high anxiety mostly, and some depression. My childhood often felt like a rush, and early adulthood was a chase. Everything was always Very Important. I pushed away alone time - my schedule had to be filled with anything but space for my mind to wander down what would inevitably become rabbit holes of fear and sadness.

Once I started medication a few months ago and got my anxiety under control, I finally felt like I could relax into myself and my world. And then I found taoism, and it was like something clicked.

For three years my therapist has been providing Acceptance & Commitment Therapy, mindfulness meditations, and grounding techniques. None of it worked particularly well until I happened upon the Dao. It finally made sense - I'm not trying to control my mind per se, rather I'm trying to feel connected to and to flow along with everything outside it.

I was raised Jewish but as an adult I've identified as culturally Jewish, and spiritual but not religious. And now I realize what "spiritual but not religious" really means for me. I believe in something, I feel something, but I do not stand apart as separate, as its creation. I am part of it, and it is part of me and everything outside of me.

Reading the TTC is fascinating from a Jewish background. In Judaism, we are commanded to perform mitzvot, or good deeds. These deeds connect us to God and to each other. In taoism, we accept that there is good and evil in all of us. Good deeds are not commanded, but they flow out naturally. That acceptance creates compassion for the self, for one another, and connects us to the Dao, which takes no sides because it is all oneness.

When I learned about the hun and po souls, I finally had words for what I have always believed about death. I don't imagine pearly gates. I am comforted by the thought of the soft embrace of the soil, and a spirit that lives on, invisible but still in the ether. I know this because energy cannot be created, nor destroyed. It's always around us in transformed ways, so a goodbye is never really a goodbye, nor is a hello a true newness.

The biggest revelation for me was the experience of flow state. I experience flow state often through many creative hobbies. I truly believe that this is a form of connecting with the Dao beyond what I can normally physically experience on earth.

And lastly, taoism provides a positive approach to what may otherwise be considered nihilistic tendencies. "Nothing matters" because with the Dao, everything is just as it should be, nothing more and nothing less.

TL;DR: In just one week, taoism has put in words what I have always felt, providing a sense of clarity and calmness that I have never experienced before. I am so grateful to continue my studies and do lots of wu wei and tai chi in my future :-)

I (31F) and my husband (30M) have been talking about potentially having kids soon. One of our biggest concerns is finances.

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My husband struggled growing up. His mom had steady work, but his dad did not. They occasionally relied on their church for meals. There were always some Christmas and birthday presents, but no summer camps, no activities, no big vacations, etc.

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Meanwhile, I grew up upper middle class. I had a large house growing up, and we took several vacations to foreign countries. I did several activities - music lessons, girl scouts, dance, summer camps - and if my parents struggled, I never really felt it or saw it.

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Today the my husband and I are somewhere in the middle. We have occasional luxuries like dinners out, but no big trips. We live in a modest home in a working class neighborhood. Some months are harder than others, but we've never been late on bills or our mortgage.

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Still, our financial concerns for having a baby come from mixed perspectives. My husband wants to make sure a child doesn't have to experience what he experienced, and never has to worry about food on the table. Meanwhile, I feel confident that we could provide a stable situation and cover the basic necessities, but I would almost feel like I would fail a child if I couldn't provide them as many opportunities as I had. It's ingrained in me that future generations are supposed to do better than their parents, and I just know that we won't be able to swing the type of childhood I experienced.

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Does anyone relate to this or have any advice? How much does a potential child's lifestyle affect your decision?

I (31F) would really like to learn from others. About a year ago, I started to get crazy baby fever. My husband (29M) was very clear with me in saying he wasn't ready, and he asked for more time. The baby fever was so bad that I spiraled into a depression - in my mind, "not now" meant "not ever."

I don't exactly know how, but somewhere in that spiral of depression, I started to think that maybe not having a baby at all is the way I should live my life. First, I am just so afraid of screwing up and making that little kid's life terrible because of our choices or our circumstances. I struggle with anxiety and my husband struggles with depression, and it's hard to think I could bring someone into that same place mentally whether by nature or nurture. It's like, I know that life is worth living and I LOVE my life today, but it took such a long time for me to get to this level of acceptance and comfort. What if the little one struggles and never makes it through to the other side?

Second, now that I've been on this journey, I am also afraid of losing what I've built to get here. I worked so hard to build up healthy habits with exercise and sleep, I lean into my alone time for creative outlets that bring me self-fulfillment, and I have worked extremely hard to get my finances in a comfortable place. As for my husband, he is even more introverted and thrives on the routines he's built to manage his depression. His depression makes him avoidant of healthcare, but he just scheduled his first doctor's appointment in years and I'm so proud of him! :)

Basically, I am afraid that the stresses and daily realities of having a child would present drawbacks to the progress we have made to be healthy and financially secure - and those drawbacks would in turn affect our child's wellbeing. Despite the intense feelings my "clock" has given me, these fears are so strong that they make me question what I want in life.

TL;DR: Has anyone been through this - either oscillating back and forth on the fence so intensely, or struggling with the idea of mental health setbacks? What did you ultimately decide to do, and how are you handling it?

Also, please know that I am working through these issues with my therapist - but I am posting here to learn from others' experiences :)