r/nonbinarylesbians

For context both me and my partner are lesbians and have been together for 2 1/2 years. I am trying to figure out some words for it but words fail to describe the depth of my love for them. Which is why my current struggles are leading me to deal with wild amounts of guilt and confusion.

I'm going to discuss their dysphoria here, particularly around their chest so if that's not the vibe you're trying to read about I just wanna put that out there. I am sorry if this sub is not a good place for this (if so lmk, i'll delete) but I legitimately have no idea where else would be. A regular lesbian subreddit can be super transphobic. I am just having a super difficult time emotionally with this and need to at least write about it but ideally get someone's thoughts.

On our second date my partner mentioned not being cool with their chest and wanting it to not be at all a part of our sex life. For the entirety of our relationship this has been fine, because why wouldn't it be? We have discussed the possibility of me having thoughts on the matter twice ever and these conversations were initiated by them. My goal was to reassure. I remember telling them "I love you 100x more than I care about titties." And I meant that and still mean it. Which again...guilt and confusion.

A few days ago while we were mid sex my partner took their shirt off with nothing underneath. It was more of a logistical thing...their shirt was wet. But I just kind of instinctively looked away. Then they just say "it's okay" and I had no idea what that meant. Again, we just don't talk about this. I never felt a need to. But in that moment I felt turned on in a way that I didn't really know I could be. That lasted probably one second before I left the room and started crying out of shame. Which obviously resulted in both of us feeling pretty awful.

I haven't *not* thought about boobs in two years. I definitely still like them. And right now I hate that about myself. I've started feeling a lot of sexual frustration that definitely impacts my emotional stability. We tried having a conversation after it happened (which only made things worse) and it seems like the only real way for me to deal with that is opening up our relationship for a bit. I don't want to do that. I don't want anyone but them. But following this situation my thoughts are overwhelming. It breaks my heart to feel like lust could impact the longevity of our relationship. I get if there's no advice really to give. Sorry for the dump.

My gender has been a long journey and it's changed a lot. At first I assumed the feeling I felt when I first learned about us trans folk is that I was a trans lesbian. But slowly over the years I felt live I've been worming my way into the middle of the binary. Non binary but also not. Now I go by genderfluid and it's made me feel really at peace with who am gender wise. But when it came to my sexuality, I felt so... confused.

I've identified with sapphic love for a long time and I think I still do but, not being able to see myself in any sapphic media or rarely any media has just made me feel disconnected. Don't even get me started on dating. Although even when I still considered myself a transbian I was gender non-conforming so that's nothing new.

Anyway, it's just really nice to see a place made for someone like me. Thank you.