u/0N3_W1NG3D_4NG3L

Whether it’s for critiques or begging for subs, correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t that kinda driving the wrong traffic to your channel and killing retention or ctr? I’m not an expert by any means I just thought it sounded counter productive. I understand reaching out for help but I try to keep people away that don’t usually engage with my niche. Let’s say your uncle Jim Bob said “oh you have a YouTube channel? I’ll subscribe right now”. When in reality uncle Jim Bob doesn’t watch videogame retrospectives… not even close. So if he goes to your channel and never finishes a video or just scrolls videos and then leaves doesn’t that kill your progress? Just thinking out loud. If I’m right then what is the right way to get help with a channel for those struggling?

I’m 35 and been smoking since I was 16. It’s always caused me anxiety if I had too much but it never stopped me from coming back over and over. I had a few times when I’d quit for 3-6 months and from what I remember I felt pretty good and was handling work life much better. I remember quitting one time and saying “everytime I get back to smoking I start hating my life.”

Still came back. I get this ridiculous feeling of like being a square or I’ll be sober from it and be like “this time only on weekends. I can handle it”. Well I couldn’t.

Also noteworthy I drank heavily through my 20’s and hung around people that loved to drink, do drugs and blast music. I rode that wave like a champion, I feared nothing and I could be friends with anyone. Best drink ever. Until I wasn’t. Started reaching true blackout phases and I didn’t do anything directly harmful but eventually the party faded away and I was just drinking alone and I would sit and sob every night, drinking till 5am. This was around Covid time and also shortly after panic disorder came into my life.

At 27 I had my first panic attack randomly and long story short I have generalized anxiety disorder and it got worse and worse until I literally lost everything. I couldn’t sustain work or my passions. I had 24/7 chronic symptoms that were debilitating. I got checked over and over and everyone tells me it’s my anxiety. So I quit drinking in hopes to put a dent in my symptoms. It took about a year and finally I felt a little relief but the damage was done and to this day I’m not healed.

I still get random panic attacks and I’m on disability because of my anxiety. I can’t walk into a store alone, barely drive, barely live. I’m just here. I smoke weed in the evenings and hang out with my wife. That’s the highlight. She doesn’t smoke but I have this thought that it helps me loosen up and enjoy whatever we’re watching or playing more.

I’ve not been on disability for an even a year yet and I just feel like the lowest low. I help with things around the house and that’s about all the gratification I can get. I’ve tried YouTube and I can’t stay motivated. I can’t even play guitar like I used to.

My wife has seen me at the absolute edge of sanity and back. She’s always been supportive and I can feel her desperation of wanting me to just feel fulfilled and happy. I just can’t. I guess weed is a small topic here in retrospect but it is a problem and at this point I don’t have room for anymore shit. What am I doing rewarding myself nightly for being miserable and ashamed? Ashamed of the very genetics I’ve been dealt. Severe anxiety runs in my family and I didn’t get away. I guess this is more about that.

But maybe just maybe if I actually quit the weed, I’ll at least find some sort of motivation again. Something to make me feel like I’m living an actual life and not just a slave to my symptoms. On rare occasions I’ve been able to dive into something like busy work and for a moment I don’t have anxiety. I’m just not satisfied doing house chores and calling it a day, I can’t stand it. I was at one point playing guitar for and running a band and at the same time working as a full time electrician. I felt like thee guy. Now I don’t even feel like a person at all. So here’s one step towards finding that guy again if he’s in here somewhere. No more weed.