u/15dazaicide

I don't even have my testosterone yet (its expected to arrive within the next 2 weeks) but my guardian found 75% of my injection supplies. I hid them in different places so thankfully I still have about ~6 months worth of syringes and needles. yes, I stocked up a lot 💔 My guardian says she's "doing this to protect me." She says she's protecting me because I am suicidal and used to self harm quite severely. I don't like to call it severe but it was considered such. I think she's just using it as an excuse to go through my stuff. I'm nearly 16 and have very limited access to going outside and such as well. If my testosterone gets through customs and if I can obtain it, I have a feeling that she's going to find it within a few weeks. Hiding the effects of testosterone and dealing with her finding out is a whole other thing. My housing is stable so I'm safe in that regard. In terms of harming myself, testosterone is truly the best option for my mental health and safety to prevent that. She can't understand that. I can't even let my guardian know I'm planning on doing diy. She's going to limit what little nonexistent privacy I have. I really need this. I'm currently hiding some of my supplies in a harmonica box, in pencil cases and in my glasses case. I ordered 2 vials so hopefully if one is found, the other can survive. I'm just so upset because my shit was discovered before I even got to start hrt.

For the past 3 hours I've been incredibly nauseous. I'm not exactly sure why. I was nauseous to a normal amount but then it got worse. I stole my sister's expired gum and kept sniffing it however that didn't work. And then suddenly I was incredibly dizzy. My vision was like a video filmed on an old nokia. The area around my right ear went numb and my hearing became muffled. I don't know what was happening. I could speak okay except for whenever I felt my throat was being squeezed. I remained in front of the toilet for probably about 20 minutes before I retched. I was panicking quite a lot but less than I expected. I don't know if what happened qualified as retching but my mouth was forced open and I felt pressure in my throat. I couldn't make any noise and I couldn't breathe. It lasted a few seconds before it went back to normal. A few minutes later the same thing happened. This time, I think I made myself cough to try to vomit but it didn't do anything, only made myself stop retching. The third time, I made noise that sounded like vomiting. It was two consecutive noises that are expected to be heard from someone that's gagging/vomiting. All of this was voluntary but I did not vomit. Nothing came up. But the third time I could taste vomit.

I had a bowel movement 5-10 minutes later. It was normal. A few minutes later I started to retch. The first time it was silent, the second time it wasn't and I could taste it. Up until here I hadn't been producing much saliva at all.

I went downstairs to put a warm bowl of water on my abdomen since I was cramping. The cramps were menstrual. They were really bad but they came after the nausea. They would come and go. Other than that, I only experienced abdominal pain whenever I would retch. I think that's obvious due to what happens when you're retching. I could feel my stomach tightening and convulsing (?). That caused pain.

Since I do not have a heating pad, I microwaved warm water and put it on my abdomen 😭 It helped and made the cramps disappear almost entirely. When the water became cold I had to microwave it more because the cramps returned. I would take painkillers but codeine seems to work for me. Opioids are known to cause nausea (even though I don't get nauseous from codeine unless I haven't eaten.) I had eaten but I would've had to chug a lot of water. I struggle with taking pills and usually have to drink at least 250 ml.

The nausea disappeared but then returned. I was barely nauseous at all at first but it got bad again. My vision was fine, I didn't get extremely dizzy or numb. I just started shaking and my mouth started salivating this time. I kept spitting what I could but was forced to swallow a lot. My stomach was contracting and I started to retch. The first time was silent and tasteless. A few minutes later I retched again. This time it was audible and I could taste it. Even so, I did not vomit. It helped the nausea and I'm barely nauseous anymore. My stomach seems to hurt slightly and I feel weird.

I was very afraid the first 3 times. The next few were more tolerable. The last 2 times felt the worst. I was starting to hypersalivate and knew that's an obvious sign that I was about to vomit. Somehow I didn't. Physically it felt the worst. It made me panic a lot. I have forgotten how to vomit but at least now I'll be more calm when I experience my typical nausea. I now remember how it feels when your body prepares to vomit. I am assuming that the sensation is similar? I don't know if this is a win because it's really stressful for me and scary. It's progress but I'm quite literally petrified. Retching makes me feel better but if I need to vomit, I'll need to vomit. A big part of my emetophobia is the physical sensation of vomiting. I can't handle it due to sensory issues. I'm okay with retching even if it's HORRIBLE. I would easily settle for retching if it means I won't vomit. But how do I know if I'll retch or vomit?

This is probably worded really badly but I'm super tired. I don't think I can sleep due to pain + fear. I'm trying to accept the fact that I might vomit but I don't know what to do. I would've actually preferred if I got the vomiting done with instead of feeling horrible for 3 hours and going through the cycle of retching, feeling better temporarily, retching, etc.

It's been about 30 minutes since I last retched. I think I'm not nauseous anymore so I hope it's that. I don't think I would be able to handle any more of this.

Could someone please tell me if there's any way to differentiate between whether you're going to genuinely vomit or just retch? Or can I help myself vomit without inducing it? My throat becomes extremely tight when I'm retching and it feels locked. Idk if I'm preventing myself from vomiting. I feel very new to this honestly. I haven't vomited in over 7 years so I have forgotten how it is.

Hello, I've been cutting myself since I was about 8-9 years old. I would do it on and off. At first I would only cut to dermis at most. I'm now 15 and used to frequently cut to hypodermis/fascia. I've cut to muscle a few times but I average hypodermis or fascia. I have never felt addicted to it. I actually haven't cut myself in almost 2 months now. I had no problem with stopping. I really didn't want to because I genuinely enjoy it.

I am not glorifying self-harm but this is how it is to me. I cut myself because the process is enjoyable. Aftercare sucks but I really enjoy the initial experience. That's why I do it. I started off because I thought wounds were cool and I was curious. I was 9 so don't shame me for that. I still have the same mindset.

I've stopped temporarily because my circumstances don't allow me to do it. I wasn't happy to stop because it's something I like to do. It's a normalised activity for me. I know that this is inherently unhealthy. I would actually prefer to also cut others but I don't have anyone to consent to that. I do not desire it enough to do it without consent.

I'm just being honest about my own experience. Nothing I have stated is meant to encourage or glorify harm to oneself or others.

the title contains all i have to say

Hello, I am 15 years old. I have an allowance of €10 per week and I don't use it. I am homeschooled so I don't need lunch money or transportation. I also don't go out a lot in general. I only spend my money on Genshin Impact and books. I got a PC and an iPad a while ago. Those have been my only big purchases and I don't regret them.

I have around €2500 saved up now. I don't have a job and this is money I've been saving from every holiday + my weekly allowance. I plan on going to Germany to study medicine once I graduate high school (in 3 years hopefully.) Tuition is almost free, I just have living expenses to manage. However, I am transgender and plan on getting top and bottom surgery. (Phalloplasty)

Phalloplasty has multiple stages and is very expensive. in Europe, it usually costs around €30000-70000. It really depends on the country and the surgeon, though. In my country, I need to be 16 to work. I would still be able to only work minimum wage and part time. I would be really lucky if I'm able to find a job that pays €7000 a year.

€7000 should be close to enough to cover top surgery. I wouldn't be able to get it done in my country so I have to consider travel fees as well. I really want to get top surgery and the first stage of phalloplasty done before I go to university. I genuinely do not think I would be able to handle my dysphoria for that long.

Not only is phalloplasty expensive, it also takes a long time to schedule and to recover. I'm thinking about postponing university to pursue my medical transition. I'm also not on testosterone yet. I don't think I'll be able to get HRT before I turn 18.

This entire thing is extremely stressful for me. I've been trying to plan this since I was 12. I obviously cannot plan something if I'm not even able to get a consult.

I've been "out" to my mother since I was about 4. Obviously, I didn't know what being trans was back then. I remember crying to her every day because I didn't have a penis or because I would grow breast tissue. My grandmother taught me to pray when I was 5. She told me to pray for my relatives and for good health. Apparently, I prayed to grow a penis.

I learned what being trans was when I was 12 and came out to my mother officially. Since then, I came out a few times but gave up when I was 13 because she didn't acknowledge anything.

Recently, she decided to acknowledge that I was trans out of nowhere and told me that she supports me as what I am. This was really random and I just told her "okay" because I didn't know what to say. But a few days later, my sister told me that she told my mother about women that get a mastectomy to prevent breast cancer. And apparently, my mother responded with a transphobic comment. Ever since she said she "accepts me" being trans, she hasn't changed anything. She still misgenders me and has made many transphobic comments (unrelated to me).

I don't know why she said she supported me if she's still extremely bigoted. But I do know that she would not support me medically transitioning. I have been (sort of) socially transitioning since I was 4-5. I never came out to people irl because everyone's transphobic, but it's pretty fucking clear that I'm trans.

Anyway, I ranted a bit, excuse me. My point is, my mother won't help me financially to transition. I think my best shot is to save a bunch of money, get a job and get a loan for the rest. Nevertheless, I am a teenager and still want to spend money on my interests. How much is it responsible to spend while prioritising to save up for my medical transition?

Hello, I'm transgender (afab) so this is a bit weird for me to post about. I hope that this isn't against the rules.

Around the age of 8, I noticed I had 2 tiny, moveable "balls" in the top of my labia majora, one on each side. I can shift them in circles but I can't move them any more than that. As far as I can tell, they haven't changed at all. They're pretty much symmetrical. It's internal and isn't visible, it's purely tactile.

I am 15 as of right now. I have a functioning uterus, my sexual development seems to be alright. This doesn't really make anatomical sense which is why I'm asking this.

Do other people have this? Idk if this should be a medical concern or not 🤔🤔 Couldn't really find anything about this

so, this guy has been my acquaintance throughout kindergarten and elementary school. it is worth noting that i "dressed like a boy" in kindergarten and elementary. i did not "act like a girl" and the bond we had was kind of like the bond guys have with each other. he's never treated me like a girl. he's never treated me differently than how he would've treated a guy. i mean, i'm agender so i'm not really a guy but i do present as one.

the thing is, we both have conduct disorder. that's literally why we were acquaintances. this is also a problem now. we are both 15 and he's definitely horny as hell. i've stalked his account to see how unwoke he is. he just posts shit about loving a girl, loyalty, etc. i don't really buy it, he's always been kind of an asshole. i don't know, i'm very suspicious of others. maybe he's nice now, who knows.

i don't care about him being nice to me, i just don't wanna get raped or anything. i wouldn't mind having sex with him if it weren't for the circumstances. he wouldn't think of it as homoerotic. he probably doesn't see me as a boy anymore. i know he treated me as one when i was 6 but did he know what being trans was then? prolly not. would he see me as a boy now? prolly not.

i'm not out to him and won't come out. i live in bulgaria, he's probably transphobic. everyone here is. i'm obviously trans but i won't say it. ngl, i really just want to get to know this guy again so that i can just get some weed from him😭😭

i know my motive is dumb but i have absolutely no acquaintances. not online, not in person. it gets really boring and i'd love to just smoke a joint with someone and do stupid shit together. as long as that doesn't include me being raped.

i don't know what i want but he's probably my only chance at acquaintanceship

i've experienced constant paranoia since i was about 10 years old. it started with me seeing a man standing on the corner of the street all night for many nights. i was convinced that he was spying on me and waiting for the right time to break into my house. i mean, it never happened but it always felt real to me.

later on, i started being paranoid about beings residing within the walls, stairs, mirrors, in the toilets. i know it's really fucking stupid and it makes no sense but it's been 5 years and it isn't getting better, only worse.

the things i'm paranoid about are only getting more deranged. the other day, i was convinced that there was a tiger in a room downstairs and that it would rip my organs out if i were to wake it up.

i think that there are some uncanny beings that are in another 4th dimension. but in order to gain direct access to me, they have been trying to get access to this dimension, trying to break the barrier, i don't know. none of this makes sense. it doesn't even make sense to me. it feels so real but i know it isn't. i try to rationalise it. logically, it makes no sense. why the fuck does it seem to real to me then?? i try to convince myself it's not but i'm still so scared. i'm still trying to protect myself from these fake beings. but i know that if they do come, i won't be able to protect myself. it doesn't make any sense and that freaks me out a lot. i can recognise that it's not real but i can't convince myself that it isn't real?? it's like part of my brain thinks logically and rejects it but another part can't be reasoned with.

has anyone experienced something like this? is this considered normal ?

whenever i wake up, my first question is whether someone in my family has thrown up. if the doors to their rooms are open, i peek to see if there's a bucket or something near their bed. or i call them, try not to be direct but . . . they kinda know why i'm calling. if there isn't anything related to vomit, i'm reassured. i can't opt to not do this. i'm anxious until i'm reassured. it brings me a lot of distress and i can't focus on other things until i'm sure no one is vomiting.

when someone goes to the bathroom, i panic and listen intensely to see if they'll vomit or not. bonus points if it's during the night and they get to the bathroom quickly. they're js taking a piss 99% of the time 🙂🙂🙂🙂

also, unless it's not contagious, i don't care if someone is throwing up. the problem is, i usually don't know why someone is throwing up. if someone says they feel sick, i ask why. this is usually the case when my mother or sister say their stomach hurts (it's usually menstrual pain.)

i'm honestly really scared of getting norovirus. if i get too drunk and vomit, that's one thing. sure, it's scary af. i haven't thrown up in 8 years. at this point, i js wanna vomit to get it over with. but if i were to vomit because of norovirus? way scarier.

i'm pretty sure this is a safety behaviour of mine but i don't know how to stop.

I cannot even begin to describe how awful it feels to eat. I just want to stop eating altogether. I don't want to ever eat again. I have safe foods, nothing has happened, I'm just sick of it. I no longer want to eat. I hate having to force feed myself at every meal. I'm not even underweight but I am so malnourished and have been since I was 11, I haven't grown at all since then. If my thyroid wasn't sort of fucked, I'd prolly be underweight. I guess I'm between the border of being a normal weight and being underweight. Whatever, I can last a bit before I lose a dangerous amount of weight and am forced to feed myself. I just need a break. I don't want anything other than water in my mouth. I'll probably last a day or two before my mother forces me to eat, I hate it all, I hate everything. I don't even have access to treatment so I'm not getting help, I'm not getting better, I can't get better. I want a permanent solution to all of this, I just want to not feel like I'm gonna die. I mean, I sure as hell would enjoy death but I'm not dying, I just feel like I'm dying. I'm just getting edged.

excuse me, this is all over the place and I don't have a point. I'm just sick of this.

For example, smoking is socially acceptable in most circumstances. However, smoking is also considered harmful due to the damage it causes to the body. I get that self-harm can be extremely dangerous but so can smoking. Smoking is guaranteed to cause damage long-term, self-harm MIGHT cause long-term damage.

If someone is cutting to muscle frequently, I get it. What about those people that only cut to epidermis? The chance of infection is minimal, it heals quickly, can't get nerve damage, can't bleed out, etc. This is not depth shaming but cutting to muscle and epidermis is not comparable. Cutting to muscle is extremely dangerous physically. You could die, lose a limb, be permanently disabled, etc. As I said, the risks that come with cutting to epidermis are minimal, it's mostly psychological. Also, the risk of going deeper eventually. I get how quickly addiction can escalate. I went from mid-deep dermis cuts to muscle in less than a month.

My question is, why is self-harm considered so much more harmful than smoking when the average smoker is probably causing more harm to their body than the average cutter? And why is it socially acceptable for me to light up a cigarette in public but not to cut?

I just used smoking as an example but there are so many other addictions that I could've used.

Not glorifying self-harm, just a thought I had. I would like to discuss this.

Whenever I see someone with multiple (15+) cuts that aren't deeper than dermis, I think that their sh is more severe or that it impacts them more than mine impacts me. Especially if they cut more frequently than I do.

I don't cut every day, more like every other day. (well, typically. im in forced recovery now.) When I do cut, I cut to hypodermis/fascia, one or two cuts a sesh. Idk, maybe it's like quality over quantity??

I am competitive about self harm but it's about depth/size. I don't care who seems the sickest, I just like to outdo other people that cut as deep as I do.

I'm not glorifying self-harm, that is not my intention. It's just a badly worded observation. I hope it makes sense and I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced something like this.

I ripped my stitches out yesterday and it reopened to fascia. On monday, I need to go back to the hospital to see how the stitches are healing 🙂 My mother will force me to go. She doesn't know my stitches are out. I'd very much like to heal this at home because otherwise I'll just get stitches, rip them again, go back to the hospital, get stitches, rip them, repeat. I don't want to be reopening a cut infinite amounts of times, the chance of an infection skyrockets. I need to ensure that my doctor won't force me to get stitches. The wound is about 10cm long, around 3-5cm wide, depends a lot. The shape is irregular. I don't have access to aftercare but I need to make it work. How do I avoid stitches?? They won't help me atp

I wasn't home for 3 days. I just came back and literally everything has been removed from my room. Books, blades, pens, scissors, anything sharp, jars, AFTERCARE. Yeah, cuz as if I won't cut myself if I don't have access to aftercare?? I have 1 blade left. I'll just keep cutting with it and won't do any aftercare cuz I have none and I'm broke.

I'm sure that cutting with sterile blades and then doing aftercare is much better than cutting with the same dirty blade and not doing any aftercare.

I just had a fight with my mother and grandfather about this. I was so pissed. I have 0 privacy and all my belongings were taken from me. It ended up with me getting restrained and a doctor coming over. They thought I was psychotic. No, I'm just irritated. Why wouldn't I be???? Like, they're not doing me any good. I've been going out of my way to be safe while cutting, I no longer will be.

My mother never talks about my sh or anything. She doesn't gaf but then she takes all my belongings and acts like I'll be chill about it. She only does that because she doesn't want CPS to see it when they come over. The one thing no one should do is take aftercare products. What pisses me off is that she won't even talk abt it and will pretend it never happened. Fucking hell. If you won't do anything to help your child then at least don't do anything at ALL. All she's doing is making it more UNSAFE for me

It can be that. Typically, self-harm is indeed a form of self-punishment, a way to have a feeling of control, a way to emotionally regulate yourself, etc. I don't relate to any of that. I've been cutting myself since i was 6 years old and I can't name a single time where I felt regulated or grounded by it. I never felt any relief. I never felt in control or emotionally regulated. I never felt like I was punishing myself. I don't think this is even a way that I cope? It offers me nothing. It's just an activity that doesn't take much effort and it is something I can do quickly if I'm bored. That's why I cut myself. I don't feel ashamed and would heavily enjoy cutting with others. I am not trying to romanticise this but I have wanted to be cut together with someone basically since I started this. It feels just like a normal activity to me. I don't know why. The only difference is that a part of my body will hurt significantly more than it did before my session. I can tolerate pain a lot and don't mind it unless it affects my mobility or cognition. Pain is purely physical to me, therefore irrelevant unless it causes the things I stated earlier. I know this isn't typical but has anyone experienced this as well?

(very poorly written, excuse me. I am too tired)