u/20dollarwallet

I’m 19f and just finished my sophomore year of college at a pwi. I was very timid and docile freshman year. Very like, agreeable. I made a lot of friends that year, with a lot of people who I learned are implicitly anti-black. Sophomore year I really blossomed. I became much more talkative and assertive** (edit from my previous mistake of referring to myself as confrontational), always being level-headed and tactfully honest. But I do not sugarcoat things. I put intention into all my decisions. I do not entertain those who aren’t willing to let go of white supremacy. And now I’m getting told I’m aggressive, self-centered, uppity (not those exact words but yk the vibe) and this that and the third. Also mentioning that I’m conventionally attractive and smart so I suppose that brings animosity too. Growing up I was very socially isolated and though I saw many stories of this type of behavior towards bw I couldn’t really conceptualize till now. I only heard it gets worse in the workplace and as we become more titled, but it is having quite the negative impact on me so I was wondering if anyone older than me had advice to handle it..

Edit: I should’ve specified that I’m like this really in social situations, as I’m aware the importance of maintaining good relationships in hierarchical environments (work, profs, etc). They surprisingly don’t give me much trouble as IK people-pleasing for authority is a part of life.

The autistic-allistic language barrier is so harrowing sometimes. It’s like whatever I do I’m doing wrong, and everyone expects something different. Im being told to do different things in the same situation yet when I use my best judgement and intentions I end up messing up somehow. I’m worried I’ll forever be misunderstood. I did a lot of masking last year and it was so exhausting but unmasking this year made a lot of people think odd things about me. And I’m not so worried about what others think of me unless they’re someone of value to me, but I in general don’t like to feel cheated or misconstrued. I can’t even practice convos in my head anyway cuz I start spiraling. And I’m the ass for not bringing things up immediately with people when I don’t realize I felt some way about it until days later. And I’m the ass if I do bring it up because I’m being too straightforward and it’s seen as rude. I am just so confused and tired. I’ve learned all the social rules necessary to make acquaintances and do feel good that I have lots of people I know. But I crave very deep connections, so in every situation I end up feeling lonely. I’ve learned to do things by myself but I do enjoy socializing with people I am comfortable around and get depressed sometimes if I’m alone too often. I think I just needed to get this off my chest. I’m turning 20 soon, black female, and recently diagnosed level 1. It feels like the whole world’s against me at times and I can never find my footing.