u/34Paws

A few months ago I was looking to do exposure therapy professionally, but there was only one therapist on my insurance that seemed to have any interest or experience in phobias/exposure therapy/OCD type issues. I saw him for a bit, but really did not find his methods to be helpful or hopeful. I gave up for awhile after that, but I have newfound motivation to finally get this stupid phobia out of my life, even if it's scary.

I was wondering if anyone here has done deliberate exposure therapy by themselves and how it went. I don't just mean accidental exposures or occasionally pushing yourself to watch something that makes you uncomfortable, but actual structured hierarchal exposure therapy. I really don't know where to get started and I also don't know where to end. A lot of emetophobia experiences are so circumstantial and can't really be organically created. Additionally, am I supposed to end by forcing myself to vomit? Is that ever a reasonable part of exposure therapy? I just feel like I will never be normal again until I do vomit, as it has been at least 15 years since the last time I did it and I am so terrified by the mystery of it at this point. This seems like such a difficult fear to conquer as opposed to something like spiders. Any help is appreciated.

EDIT: Can someone tell me why this is being downvoted?? I thought this sub was about recovery.

I've been self-harming off and on for almost half my life at this point. I'm in my mid 20s and after all I've been through, I've started to realize that I might, to some extent, be this way for the rest of my life. I've been in a deep self-reflective period lately and I am trying so hard to find a path forward. More than anything, I want to find self-acceptance in who I am and what I've done to myself.

There seem to be an awful lot of people like me, people who self-harm and have scars, who are much younger than I am that are infinitely more comfortable with themselves than I am. I am still stuck in college despite my age mostly because of mental health reasons (no shit), and lately I have been noticing people around me who have their scars out, seemingly without a care in the world, and it honestly makes me burn with envy. The burden of shame and regret that I carry with me is immense and heavy. I struggle to even verbalize what I have done, even just to myself. I hate the word "cut". I hate admitting it. It makes it feel all too real. Hearing some guy I was talking to say in plain words that he "hadn't cut in a long time" when referring to his scars genuinely sent me into a several day long spiral, because how can this 19 year old kid talk so candidly with zero shame at all to people he barely knows, and I can't even look in the mirror and make peace with myself in private?

I have always put a great deal of effort into hiding my self-harm. Through my nearly twelve years of it, I have confined it to areas that are easily hidden by t-shirts and short skirts. Despite my intense urges for years to start on my forearms, I have always resisted out of shame. I am grateful for this, yes, but it also makes me feel like I have less reason to accept my scars. If all they are preventing me from wearing is tank tops, typical swim suits, and the like, isn't it basically just showing off my scars to wear such things? I can easily manage with the clothes I have available to me right now. I feel as if I have no right to even want to stop hiding. I feel like it will look like I want people to see them. I think to some extent, I do, but only because I want to push that boundary within myself and learn to not give so much of a shit.

I have already done this twice. Once at the beach and once at a water park, I wore my usual swim skirt, but I didn't wear the rash guard I usually go for, and I let my shoulders see the sun for the first time in eons. I have struggled so much this whole time with feeling like my scars aren't enough. Most of them are faded white now because I don't self-harm nearly as much as I used to, but my shoulders are just a fucking mess. Over a decade of scars on scars has melted into a weird fucked up soup of scar tissue and I feel like it looks so bizarre, but at the same time I feel like it isn't enough, especially because it's in such a small area. My experiences with not hiding my scars the two times I did it just left me feeling worse. I majorly overthought what people thought of me. I didn't receive any comments from strangers, but then that makes me wonder even more if it's because I don't look bad enough for people to say anything. I'm caught between my ego of wanting to look so fucked up that I scare everyone, but also wishing I could take back everything I've ever done and just be normal.

I don't know how to move on from this shame and guilt. I thought maybe going out without hiding a few times would help, but I'm more stuck in my own head than ever. I am up to my neck in shame and regret, and now more than ever, I wish I could take back everything I've ever done. This coping mechanism kept me alive, and I spent so long trying to hold onto some sort of pride in it to keep my ego from totally collapsing, but now that I am actually faced with other people knowing what I've done, that ego is completely unraveling. To make matters worse, I'm currently going through one of the darker periods in my life and I am, once again, yearning every day to hurt myself. It is so hard to deal with the urges while simultaneously feeling the most shame I have ever felt in my life about them. I want to move on and accept myself. I waited so long, telling myself I would be able to accept it once I have "recovered", but now as I realize a full recovery might not be feasible for me, I am struggling to grapple with the guilt and the weight of it all. I believe I deserve to be happy and content with myself even if I struggle with self-harm indefinitely, but I have no idea how to go about achieving that.

I'm sorry this post was so long. How do those of you who do not hide your scars do it? Is anyone else this deeply ashamed? I'm so tired of this.

Sorry if this is an incredibly stupid question. I was watching a beginner's tips video that talked about killing lizards by throwing a rock at their head and them stabbing them with a spear until they die, but I cannot find information anywhere on how to stab without throwing. Every time I do this, after I hit them on the head with the rock, all I can do is throw the spear and then I can't pick it back up fast enough. The lizard recovers from stun before I can stab it again and just kills me.

EDIT: Thank you all for the responses!