u/ABenson1992

Hi all, I’ve been pretty active in this board recently. I’m struggling with the withdrawal missing the good times (even though I know in my heart I made the right choice to end things). She did the following:

- called me “horizontal”
- called me “timid at life”
- said I lacked ambition and drive because I didn’t want to go on all of these crazy expensive trips. Yet begged me to stay when I broke up with her. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.
- said I should be with someone who constantly validates me as I said she never respected my needs or feelings
- called me “fragile” for not liking being ordered to do something
- said she didn’t want to have to monitor what she says (no accountability)
- she said “your parents don’t love you, I do”
- she said I should be with someone scatty, timid, quiet and easygoing.
- belittled my love of simple hobbies like hiking and running which saved my life when I was younger and remains important for me.
- told me I was acting singular if I went running on weekends
- pushed me to move in after four months
- wanted to buy a house within a year together.
- would randomly bring up old dates she went on even if they didn’t go well (I never brought up exes as I wanted to focus on her).
- I have dyslexia and dyspraxia and she would call me “chaotic”
- my friends and family noticed me becoming flaky and withdrawn.
- she said multiple times “you’re a great boyfriend, but I need a husband who can do everything for me”
- she was never treated well (I bought her flowers regularly “just because”, cooked a lot, planned loads of fun dates, provided emotional safety, led intimacy (we were great in that department) planned, booked and paid for expensive trips but that wasn’t enough)
- I wanted marriage and kids with her but my timeline wasn’t quick enough for her.
- when I said I would go to therapy to figure out why I go quiet when I’m insulted or hurt for 20mins to regulate myself she said “how long will that take to sort, im ready to live my life”
- my dad and uncle aren’t well and she said “they’re old, we need to focus on ourselves as they won’t be alive in 40 years”
- she would dismiss and invalidate my feelings and nothing seemed good enough as the goalposts always moved.

Objectively, what she said is completely untrue, I have become a qualified chartered accountant, have a masters from UCL and am a 2.44 marathon runner. I have overcome a lot and have lots of good friends now. In the past I was told to kill myself daily between the ages of 12-17 and so have struggled with self worth.

There were good times (obviously) she was caring and we got along well most of the time, I wanted her to be the one and loved her so much. I was bullied to within an inch of my life when I was younger which is why the character attacks stung so much.

I guess I feel devastated as I’m wondering if i made the right decision. I never raised my voice, shouted at, screamed or swore at her as i vowed never to be cruel to anyone as i know what it feels like.

She would tell me im the love of her life and wanted it all etc. Currently we are in no contact, i had a moment of weakness and checked social media’s and it seems like she’s blocked me except for whatsapp.

Also she could never take accountability or apologize. If I ever brought anything up, I would be the bad person and end up regulating her and apologising. She would withdraw intimacy if that happened. It seemed like love was conditional.

There was no closure at the end either as she refused to apologise / take accountability when I asked why she attacked my character.

The most hurtful thing was actually “you’re a great boyfriend but I need a husband who can do everything for me”… basically is invalidating everything I was doing in the relationship and portrayed me as “not enough” yet she said she was in abusive relationships in the past. I would ask her daily how I could love her and also ask how she needed me to show up for her. I can give and am still willing to give healthy love to the right girl.

Id appreciate your advice / stories.

Cheers

What are the signs? I know fear of an abandonment is more BPD related.

Are character assassinations more BPD? Emotionally dysregulated or not, some people are just bullies.

I’d love to know your thoughts

Hi all, I have started making more posts on reddit so excuse me if it's not as concise as what people are used to. Essentially, I broke up with my girlfriend, it's the hardest decision I've ever had to make. My logical brain says I've made the right decision but my heart still says otherwise (I'm very compassionate which I will explain about later).

Essentially, the start of our relationship was brilliant (amazing sex (continued throughout) (and seemed like id found my best friend and love of my life). Things were very intense and we had different interests but I thought that was healthy.

A bit about me (I was severely bullied when I was younger in my teenage years at school I was told to "k*ll myself", "crawl into a hole and die" and someone even made a website about me and created a poll asking if I should k*ll myself. I wasn't emotionally safe at home either as I was called "a huge disappointment". Objectively I've achieved a lot in a practical sense being a chartered accountant with a masters from UCL (not boasting but I'm essentially a high functioning person with severe developmental trauma which I'm working on.

Back to the relationship, I always believed that love was earned and was conditional and was based off what I could give other people. When I met my ex I thought this was it and I loved her for who she actually was (flaws and all) and it started off as a dream. However a few months in there was a switch. She suddenly started doing the following which both myself and friends and family and pyschologist have said is abusive.

- She would withdraw affection if I brought up any issues

- I was walking on eggshells

- I created a safe space emotionally for her to talk about things and id just listen to (however if I reacted to something she said shed say "its a trap")

- She said she didn't have the capacity to handle my feelings as well as hers

- she would say "you're a great boyfriend but I need a husband who does everything for me"

- "you're fragile" because I didn't like how she spoke to me when ordering me to do something.

- She would never listen to my needs. If I brought up something there was deflection, projection and suddenly I was the villain and had to apologise and regulate her to keep the peace. It grew exhausting.

- Running saved my life and I have really great friends from it, however me wanting to run was apparently acting singular and so I stopped running and found myself diminishing myself. My friends all said I was becoming flaky as did my family and they said I seemed distant and unhappy.

- Against my better judgement I went along with what she wanted from life because I loved her and wanted peace and happiness, however that came at the expense of what I wanted.

The worst were the character attacks

- "you're timid at life"

- "your parents don't love you, I do"

- She belittled my hobbies - yet I'm not materialistic. I don't care about 7* hotels, id much rather be running, see friends and / or family and hiking in the mountains with one or two nice holidays and be happy internally than chasing happiness.

- "What you offer isn't even the bare minimum for any girl". Yet she said shed never been treated well and I treated her as well as I could. Planned multiple date nights a week throughout our relationship, cooked, cleaned, planned trips and provided a safe space for emotional intimacy which she hadn't had before. This really hurt me, especially with my core wounds of not being enough and worthless.

- She said I needed someone quiet, scatty and timid yet when I broke up with her begged me not to go.

- She said I lack drive and ambition (yet I'm a qualified chartered accountant, with a masters from UCL and a 2.44 marathon runner) all heavy disciplined areas of life.

- She said I had decision paralysis (me breaking up with her put an end to that).

- She said nothing ever gets done (yet the only things that weren't getting done were booking all these expensive holidays she wanted to go on).

- Nothing was ever enough, the goalposts kept moving.

- I was accused of not planning for the future because I wanted to move at a sensible place instead of rush things.

On top of the above, I have severe dyslexia and dyspraxia but there was never any understanding for that even though I explained how much it impacts me daily.

Now I have lots of good friends and family around me now and they all say there was emotional and verbal abuse and I made the right decision to leave. no one is perfect and I enabled the pattern in the relationship by not setting boundaries earlier and I over gave / over accomodated (something I'm learning). I guess I'm still just struggling with whether I made the right decision. I have had 21 years of severe chronic stress (diagnosed) and the symptoms became unbearable and I was really ill.

My girl friends have all said what she said about me not giving enough is ridiculous. My ex even said "I'm really good looking, and could go out and get any girl" yet when dysregulated said I wasn't even the bare minimum. I guess I'm just battling all of these wounds and it impacts me.

Has anyone had any similar experiences or any words of advice? would you classify this as abuse?

Cheers

Alex

Between the ages of 12-17 I was subjected to horrendous bullying at an all boys school.

I went to one of the best grammar schools in the country however you needed to be a certain type of person to be popular / succeed there.

Daily I was called
- “a fat shit”
- “stupid fuck”
- “told I looked like I was pregnant”
- told to go and “kill myself daily”
- “crawl into a hole and die”

The worst of all was someone made a website about me and created a poll which asked if I should go and kill myself…. Every time I think back to this I well up and sob. It takes me right back to that vulnerable defenceless 12 year old who got picked on because I was an easy target.

My views on this are such things like telling someone to kill themselves should be a criminal offence, I’d be Interested to hear people’s thoughts.

Objectively I became successful (a chartered accountant, masters from UCL and a 2.44 marathoner) and apparently good looking now… I’ve had multiple girlfriends etc, however those childhood wounds still haunt me daily. Would anyone be able to advise? I wasn’t bragging there, just trying to say despite being objectively successful I’m still that wounded 12 - 17 year old.

I don’t post often so would appreciate any kind words and words of advice as I want to be In healthy relationships also. I’m very grateful over the years to have developed some really really strong friendships who love me for me… I’m fortunately I’ve been in relationships with girls who liked what I could do for them or only wanted something casual so I’m really working on myself to meet the love of my life.

I know having been bullied to within an inch of my life I made a pact with myself that I would never treat anyone the way I was treated as I couldn’t imagine putting someone through the pain I went through.

Apologies if this is a ramble (I have dyslexia and dyspraxia) and am just writing whilst contemplating things

Cheers
Alex

As the title says, I am reeling emotionally after being with a suspected BPD ex with narcissistic traits on top of a host of other conditions she told me she had (I will not disclose them out of privacy and respect through compassion).

Like others on the board comment on, it started out like a dream, i thought id met the love of my life, my best friend and someone i wanted it all with.

As someone who suffered immense bullying when i was younger and was bullied to within an inch of my life between the ages of 12-17 (daily people at school would tell me to go and kill myself). I was obviously susceptible to this kind of dynamic. I had told her things that happened in my past, things barely anyone knew about and really opened up to her. Obviously the validation and praise was amazing, we had an incredible sex life; even towards the end of the relationship we were still going strong there.

I found looking back even in the love bombing stage there were signs that she was wearing a mask but I was naive and put it down to nerves (my fault). However, the criticisms started, one day I was the love of her life, the next “I was a great boyfriend, but she needed a husband who could do everything for her”…. This one really stung deep as because of severe bullying in my formative years I grew up carrying the weight of not being worthy / good enough as I am.

The put downs started more at the same time as her wanting to progress timelines - something I was uncomfortable with and I’m proud i didnt budge on. I took us on expensive trips but apparently that wasnt enough and she constantly expected more.

She said previously she’d never been treated well and as someone whose empathetic and compassionate i wanted to / was able to give her healthy love. She loved it at the start, but suddenly that got taken for granted and by the end of it wasnt even baseline “for any girl”. I loved her so so much and wouldve done anything for her.

However, anytime I had an issue she wouldn’t be able to sit with my feelings, I would always have to backtrack and regulate her emotions and park my feelings and I ended up apologising, therefore nothing got resolved from my side. I grew emotionally exhausted. I physically began getting really ill (I’ve been diagnosed with CPTSD from bullying and lived with severe chronic stress for 21 years) I’m now seeing a psychologist.

Symptoms included chronic migraines, horrendous bowels/pain, difficulty sleeping, loss of enjoyment in things I loved and severe brain fog. She didn’t believe in the “brain fog” again shows dismissiveness.

I once again brought up a basic need to be respected and my feelings to be heard / understood. However she didn’t understand and launched into a horrendous character assassination on me. Really really hurtful which preyed on a lot of old wounds which I had told her about previously. I was immensely hurt as she unloaded on me but I never argued back as always, I only tried to reason. Once I realised it was a continuation of attack after attack I just took it. I felt the hopelessness and worthlessness of 12 year old me and I was devastated. I then decided I couldn’t be talked to like that by someone I love anymore and so had the self respect to break up with her even if it broke my heart to do so.

Although I’m still in an immense amount of pain I think of her daily and we are all human and choose what to do with our pain. We can be hurt and victimise it or we can channel it into something useful. I forgive her, but I will never ever forget it. Breaking up with her pushed me to confront my demons of my past and so I’m doing a tonne of self work, it’s proving really painful but it’s the right thing to do.

Sorry, I ended up babbling there. I guess I’m trying to say, we are all human and make mistakes (I for example over gave, was a people pleaser, and wanted to be loved) that in itself enabled the dynamic along with letting things slide for wanting to keep the peace. It’s really important we hold ourselves accountable in that dynamic and anything we do so we can move forward. Finally, I don’t believe BPDs are monsters (consciously)… others may disagree but I choose to believe they are flawed like us and just can’t take accountability. It explains the behaviour but absolutely doesn’t justify it and you can’t help people who won’t help themselves.

Thanks for listening (I struggle to open up but I’m learning) and wanted to share my story and get insight / support from this community.

Any messages would be appreciated. I am proud of myself for finding the strength to leave and am proud of all of you for being you!