u/A_kernel_of_cornn

I seen a video recently that made me think about this. How because people often either assume people who are level 1 aren't autistic or aren't autistic enough they don't get any support despite level 1 being ''low support needs'' not ''no support needs''.

I ask this as someone who growing up has yoyo-ed between level 1 and level 2 but regardless of where I was at the time in how much support I needed I never got any. My parents refused to believe anything was wrong with me despite professionals telling them so. So when I was 2 I would just lay out completely catatonic every day unless prompted to do something very specific or routine for years at a time, I'd go to school (happen in primary school and college) not speak a word go through the day checked out from my brain come home and just lay down and just cease to function. So honestly I don't know what level 1 support would look like let alone level 2.

I don't think I know what support looks like just in general. Like I never thought about it until now that I have just condemned myself to suffering my entire life because I just thought that's just how it be sometimes (and by that I mean majority of the time 😭🤣)

Been working on this with my therapist, but basically we found out I tend to logic my emotions away. I feel emotion strongly for sure, but I immediately am like okay lets think about this and then I logic them away in my head like ''hey it's actually fine because this or that and it's not rational to be anxious about this'' and whatever and move on to doing something I enjoy/want to do/need to get done.

However, my body still feels them like for example I still flinch or jump severely if someone catches me resting at all despite me doing nothing wrong and in my head I tell myself I'm not doing anything to get yelled at for but automatically without even thinking I try and look busy. So because of this I have unresolved trauma that even I don't know I have a lot of the times.

It's so hard to explain like I'll think back to situations that were surely traumatizing for literally anyone and be like hmm I don't know? Am I traumatized? I can't tell? Like is it just that I percieved it differently from an average person so I am not traumatized or is it that I logic-ed it away and convinced myself I am not upset about it?

Like I just feel like I was taught by NT people in my life that this is how this or that feels and this is how you act/feel about so on and so forth when that wasn't my experience to the point where I am unsure what is my feelings and what are things that I was forced to internalize to be ''normal'' ?

Kind of a niche topic 🤣 I am AuDHD and was curious if other people who are one or the other has similar experience?

Basically for about 2 years I worked as a caregiver and housekeeper at a memory care home (I would still be working there if I could afford to but the pay wasn't enough). It was very very quiet, very mild lighting (not too bright and not too dark), like sensory wise it was a great environment. I rarely had to talk to anyone except the residents which didn't bother me at all because I didn't need to mask when around them and you could basically end the conversation whenever you wanted as long as you wrap it up nicely and politely. They needed things put as easily/bluntly as possible because many of them had various memory or cognitive issues which ofc is my perfered style of communication. Like talking with the residents came so naturally to me, I was better at it than almost anyone else in the building. After the fact I thought about it and wondered if it was because I'm autistic it was just easier for me to talk with them and accommodate them how they needed. Like it was not hard for me to just shift my style of conversation based om each resident and where they precieved themsleves to be in life.

I'm really new to all of this, I only recently just told myself you know what I'm going to just go to all the doctors and see what they say and why I have this or that weird thing. One thing led to another and we have come to find out I don't have a high pain tolerance because I don't even feel the pain in the first place to tolerate it.

So today they wanted to try ultrasound therapy on my knees to see if I feel it at all and if it would help this weird sort of stiffness I have in them (we are basically throwing things at the wall and seeing what happens until I get appointments with geneticists). They told me they wanted to set it just a bit higher than what they would do for a usual patient and I basically felt nothing other than vibration. Then they went one up and I felt a very slight ache, but it was barely anything so they went one more up and I felt that and said that one was enough to be uncomfortable, but not unbareable, despite that they decided to go back down one and we just let it do it's thing for a couple of minutes. Then all at once I nearly passed out just out of nowhere. It felt very similar to chronic hypoglycemia episodes I have, my hearing sort of gets muffled, my vision bursts then starts to grey and darken, I shake, and my limbs go numb.

I was not in any outstanding pain by any means so I have no idea why I suddenly almost passed out. Does anyome have any similar experiences? Or have any sort of suggestion on what it could be so I can bring it up to doctors? More than one doctor has told me they suspect POTS- could that be related and if so why would that happen during an ultrasound on my knee?

I have a sort of job interview tomorrow morning, I say sort of because technically it was them reaching out to me after seeing my portfolio online to ask me to work with them and it's in the area of my expertise and basically my childhood dream job. So I know logically in my head that basically the job is mine, but I'm so used to that hot and cold yoyo bs from growing up with my family that everything too good makes me so incredibly anxious.

Like I just feel like I can't be this lucky and just like most of my life I go in with a little hope and then get it ripped out from under me even though my Nmom and Nsister no longer have control over my life to do anything that would sabotage this like they used to. The feeling is so strong I always have to fight with every fiber of my being to not self sabotage and run away from opportunities that have basically 0 downside. I always manage to follow through with sheer will power, but it's still just such a terrible feeling.

Part of it is also imposter syndrome like I KNOW I have the expertise for this position other wise I wouldn't already be making money on my own to live with it through freelance and contracting, like that would be an insult to my clients who like my work. However, despite knowing the logic it's like my brain is rational, but my body is absolutely whacked and feeling like they'll hire you and then find out you actually suck and be disappointed. Which makes no sense because every place I've been employed in the past has asked me what it would take for me to stay after putting in my 2 weeks so I shouldn't feel this way.

Do any of you guys feel this way? Is there anything you do to cope with it till you get the thing causing it over with?