When the Earl of Sandwich invented putting things inside bread, little did he know how popular a Tesco meal deal would become.
Today, British restaurants like Old McDonalds, or new competitors, Wimpy, are pushing the boundaries of what a beef sandwich can be. Even adding cheddar cheese and pickled mini cucumbers named endearingly after Nepalese soldiers.
Thank you for your service, Gherkins!
For many years, British people had come to the conclusion that there were no more pasta shapes for us to invent. We had Spaghetti, Spaghetti hoops and Alphabetti spaghetti. We had it all... Orzo we thought!
If you take some big spaghetti, like lasagne sheets, and smash them into pieces, you get pasta crumbs. It’s like rice, but without any rice; perfect for people who can only eat gluten.
This famous Scottish soup is loved all over Britain and people just love the name too which is really funny as the actual sky is blue... so it's just a lot of fun all round.
It blends Scotch coconuts with lemony grass and obviously ginger, because there's loads of gingers in Scotland.
In post-war Britain, a young entrepreneur, John Greggs had started going door to door selling eggs. “Greggs’ Eggs! Greggs’ Eggs! They’re not real eggs if they’re not from Greggs’” he would bellow at the top of his voice whilst doing his early morning rounds. But, much to his frustration, no one wanted eggs at 2am. No matter how loudly he would bang on their doors. He needed a new plan.
He thought back to one encounter, where a local alcoholic woman approached him from the dark depths of a back alley. All she kept asking for was sausage. “I’ve told you woman, Greggs only sells eggs!”, he shouted at her, presenting his collection. The woman just shook her head and walked backwards, until she was once again engulfed in the darkness.
John suddenly wondered if this woman could have been an angel in disguise, directing him to his one true calling?
And thus, with that, John Greggs began making long sausage pies and called them Gregg Rolls. Now all sorts of people in Britain eat them every day for breakfast. but mostly fat people.
Everyone and their grandmother knows that Spaghetti Bolognese is completely British. Did we appropriate the meat sauce? Maybe. But it's basically a mince stew which doesn't get anymore British.
Plus Italians use recipes which us Brits never let hold us back. My mum puts courgettes and olives in hers because she's a psychopath, but that's her choice.
All the way back in the historic ages, when macaroni cheese was eaten as regularly as apples of the earth, an eccentric business man called Mac Conqueso became fed up with his cook who insisted on using habaneros in his porridge.
One day he could take no more. Enraged, he threw the hot porridge at the poor cook, hitting him in the face with the scorching hot gruel. Screaming in agony, he ran over to the counter top where he had a bucket of cold water and plunged his face into it. Unfortunately, his wife had replaced the water with a piping hotpot of beef for reasons unknown and he died a horribly agonising death.
Mac Conqueso looked down at the burnt man with a tinge of guilt, but couldn't help noticing the gorgeous aroma emanating from what used to be a human face. With a spoon, he delicately scooped some of the cream and beef and instantly fell in love with the combination. "You will not die in vain... This shall be your legacy" he whispered.
No details about the cooks identity were ever recorded
We've been eating meat cylinders in Britain for thousands of years by sucking up mushed pigbits through an animal intestine, much like syphoning petrol from your neighbours car.
One man from Lancaster, named Chris Concarne, decided to put some spiced beef on top of a meat cylinder when he was extremely drunk.
On tasting it, he was overcome with excitement. He punched his wife and took to the streets, gingerly wiping his Longsausage around the mouths of anyone lucky enough to be passing by.
Today, everyone in Lancaster has Longsausages, some can even manage 2 at a time.
Mine has cheese, onion and bacon bits and is in some freshly baked freedom bread because I'm fancy.
We've been eating meat cylinders in Britain for thousands of years by sucking up mushed pigbits through an animal intestine, much like syphoning petrol from your neighbours car.
One man from Lancaster, named Chris Concarne, decided to put some spiced beef on top of a meat cylinder when he was extremely drunk.
On tasting it, he was overcome with excitement. He punched his wife and took to the streets, gingerly wiping his Longsausage around the mouths of anyone lucky enough to be passing by.
Today, everyone in Lancaster has Longsausages, some can even manage 2 at a time.
Mine has cheese, onion and bacon bits and is in some freshly baked freedom bread because I'm fancy.
We created fried chicken and the sandwich. I will fight absolutely no one who disagrees with me because I avoid stressful situations like fighting.
Way back in the 50's people in Teesside were looking down at their chicken parmigiano, when finally someone spoke up.
"Haddaway, Keith, what is this red stuff, man?"
It turned out they were those vegetable fruits aka tomatoes.
So a master chef of Cyprian origin asked himself what's missing from something deep fried and covered in cheese? The answer turned out to be fat. So he whacked in some bechamel sauce.
The Geordies were finally at peace.
Aberdeen Angus cattle makes up about 70% of global cattle, so we pretty much invented cows at this point.
When I'm not milking bulls in the meadow, I love to eat steak and chips whilst admiring the beautiful British countryside.
Doesn't get much more British than that ❤️
First created in the 1400's, a young British woman just getting started in her career, had the idea of swapping out egg custard in pies for savoury eggs and meat.
Lorraine Kelly named the creation after herself and just like that, the most popular quiche sprung into existence.
Still the favourite of today, it is of course, the Quiche Kelly
P.S yes I have posted twice as I tried to edit but hit delete, because beer.
The first recorded instance of layering and baking cheese and pasta is in a 1390 British cook book. It was called Loseyns (pronounced lasan).
Medieval Italians who were struggling to get to grips with cooking pasta, took inspiration from this and tried their own version which isn't quite as good but a decent effort.
Doesn't get more British than korma. Nutty and creamy but too mild for me so I add a shit tonne of chillies
Eat it with your eyes. Just kidding don't do that, I burnt mine and nothing goes in
For the record, I'm not avoiding you guys in some kind of racist game of hide and seek! Although, that does sound like a great premise for a film 🤔
Born in the early 20th century, The Bradford Wrap was accidentally stumbled upon after an industrial accident.
Arthur Gonzales was hard at work at a carpet factory, when he accidentally knocked his entire lunch into a rolling machine. "UNDERLAY! UNDERLAY!" He shouted, but it was too late. Arthur was so hungry, he decided to just eat it wrapped up but was surprised at how delicious it was. The rest is history
Cooked in Newcastle Brown Ale, this has been a traditional Geordie fuel before Gazza was a bairn.
This combines all the rich flavours of the Tyne River during a heatwave, but with none of the hepatitis.
You'll be proud of me as this one actually is British 👍🏻
No those are not chopsticks, they are British wooden-pokers, originally used for eating food in the mines, because forks become unstable at lower depths.