u/AccomplishedLove9539

My (26F) husband (27M) is diagnosed with BPD. Things have gotten out of hand. We met/started dating in July 2022 and got married in February 2023. I’ve done everything to make him comfortable, all the way from wearing long pjs and no makeup/unbrushed hair every day and looking at the ground in public to letting him look through my phone every day as if it was basically his phone. if I wear makeup or a relatively nice outfit, I’m doing it for someone else. I’ve cut off all my friends and family, it’s just me and him. He has friends of his own, and often says “my friends are your friends,” but then often says “men and women can’t be friends,” so I don’t talk to them on my own, it’d be too weird. He gets disability and can support us both without jobs, but that also means we’re together 24/7. I hate to seem so ungrateful because he buys EVERYTHING for me since I have no income of my own. $0 to my name. He gets the income and controls the finances. He’s not comfortable with me having a job. He just got us an apartment in December.

I’ve just become so okay with the power dynamic. Things change so quickly. He calls me names, and I’ll list some here: “stupid bitch,” “dumb whore,” “fat ugly cow” (I have an eating disorder, so he knows this gets under my skin), good for/good at nothing,” “mistake,” “brain dead imbecile,” “worst wife in the world,” “worst thing to ever happen to me/my biggest regret,” “I wish you’d just stop breathing,” “the most annoying person,” “you’re just like your fat ugly lonely mother,” “you dont do anything for me,” “I hate you,” “disgusting trash,” “dog,” and the list goes on and on. His happiness relies solely on me. Another example, he has real trouble sleeping, so on the nights he can’t sleep, he’ll wake me up to get him to stay up with him/scratch him/calm him down until he can fall asleep. Sometimes this lasts until 7am. Of course I’m going to nod off. But he sees that as me not caring, or even a betrayal.

I also love love love music and had a ton of Spotify playlists, but one day he got angry and made me cancel my Spotify subscription and then he deleted all my playlists I had from before I met him. Recently we got into an argument and I put my nice JBL over-ear headphones on to escape, but then he pulled them off and broke them into pieces. He’ll rip up our photos or other irreplaceable things like our wedding guestbook—completely torn up in a fit of rage in January. There’s also just so many accusations. I had some gift cash in my purse that I don’t remember who gave it to me, and when he saw it, he accused me of being a prostitute. He has said “you’ll never be Scarlett Johansson,” or “you’ll never ever be [insert any real person or fictional character here]” and as punishment before, he spent $60 on Stellar Blade and used her skimpiest outfits because he knew it‘d hurt me, although his excuse was that “it’s not punishment, I’m doing this for me.” This has happened multiple times — he’ll get suspicious of me, then ask me to take all my clothes off and spin around so he can inspect my body and underwear. It’s basically up to him when I shower. It’ll be well over a week sometimes.

Talking about this to ANYONE in any way is “airing our dirty laundry” so my lips are sealed. I’ve just put up with this sort of stuff for far too long, so when I bring up boundaries of any kind, it turns into an argument. I can only take so many more insults. I can only take so much more bottling it up or just sucking it up. I can’t talk to anyone about any of this stuff. This is risky itself, but fuck it. Most of the input is to just leave, and it looks more and more alluring every fight, but I’d have to go to a shelter since I’m not on speaking terms with my family anymore. I can’t say I’ve had enough, because then he’ll say “or what?” Because he knows I most likely won’t leave, I’ve begged him to stay with me in the past. I’m so scared that I’m losing love…I'm more focused on living for him and keeping him happy, but to him I don’t do anything, so it’s just all for nothing in the grand scheme of things. I’m scared I’ve lost myself. I know this is rambling, just a mess. A reflection of me, perhaps…

My (26F) husband (27M) is diagnosed with BPD. We have been together for 4 years, married for 3. His symptoms have gotten more severe as time goes by. Things were really good in the beginning, but now, he calls me names, breaks my things, and accuses me of being unfaithful all the time, even though he looks through my phone almost every day. There are a lot of insecurities, I think.

We are starting couples counseling next week, but from what I’ve been told in another sub is that this could bite me or make things worse. It could be me being naive, but I still want to give it a shot. I love him so much. I‘ve just been pushing aside my own needs, and now that’s how we expect to live. I’ve conditioned myself in a lot of ways.

There is a lot wrong with our marriage these days. Couples counseling won’t fix everything, but I’m just hoping it helps him see things differently. I guess my main question is should I even do this? He‘s giving me love the past few days, so it gets really confusing. For the therapists—I know you probably see couples that, by all accounts, SHOULD split, but that’s not what they want. And it’s probably a real pain. I get it.

We might be too far gone. There’s really no room for boundaries anymore. I can’t ask for space or alone time when I need it, I can’t go to sleep when I’m tired, I can’t wear nice outfits or makeup out in public anymore, I can’t have male friends. There are a lot of expectations of me that I can’t keep up with forever. I want to say that I’ve brought all this up to him, too. And I will do it again for our appointment. I don’t know. I feel like I’m being torn in five directions. My brain is at war with itself!! I want to give couples therapy a chance, but I also feel that some of our issues are bigger than couples therapy. He refuses solo treatment (therapy, medication).

Any advice helps, even if it’s tough to hear. I’ve been teaching myself more about BPD and cluster B disorders. It’s tough to be hopeful, but I’m trying…

Anyway, thank you in advance. I’m hoping to get the best out of this next week.

A little intro: I’m a big fan of film, video/tabletop games, music, photography, tattoos, concerts, gothy stuff, girly stuff…

but the kicker is that my husband of 3 years has BPD and extreme abandonment issues. I can’t really talk to people openly, even if it is purely platonic. I won’t really be able to respond 24/7. But I don’t want to make that everything about me.

I know that’s not really a great sell, but I swear, I got a lot going for me! I was a film major with minors in graphic design and photography. I have a corgi named Ein! My favorite movies right now are The Shining, The Thing, The Big Lebowski, The Lego Batman Movie (so excited for the new game!), Perfect Blue, and Escape From New York (tv shows for good measure: The Sopranos and Neon Genesis Evangelion are my absolute favorites). I also love video games, some of my favorites are Control, Bioshock, Alien Isolation, Baldur’s Gate 3 (I met Shadowheart, Lae’zel, Astarion, and Corinna the Squirrel!), Silent Hill 2, the Arkham series, and so many more. I love tabletop games like DnD and Call of Cthulhu, but my all time favorite is Magic: the Gathering.

I have a lot of mostly nerdy interests, but I have lost all of my in-person friends. I can really only respond from around 2pm-1am EST, and only on here. My husband looks through my phone/screen time most days. We’re going to couples counseling soon. Lots of stuff to iron out.

I love to laugh and have been having a hard time lately. Hope this connects with someone! ❤️