My life is a mess
F20 for the last 6 years of my life I feel like I’ve constantly messed up. Started when I was 13/14 and got introduced to porn then some guys pressured me into sexting them then since then I’ve struggled with self harm, lust, emotional stability, relationships and just making good choices. I’ve constantly messed up idk why I do it. I self sabotage everything and I struggle feeling happy unless something crazy (often bad) is happening. My parents and family are amazing and supportive and have tried so much to help me but idk why I can’t just get better. It feels like I’m too used to living like a mess I genuinely don’t know how to feel like a normal person or behave in a good and moral way. I don’t have any morals and I don’t know who I am or what I actually want in life. It switches all the time. I’m extremely impulsive and i struggle to maintain friendships and I get myself involved in relationships which often turn out bad. My recent relationship ended with him physically abusing me badly and he also had sex with me even though I cried and said no and said our safe word. Since then I struggle with severe anxiety and derealisation and panic attacks sometimes. I’m struggling because sometimes I think I’m doing better but then I’ll mess up again like I’ll have a couple drinks and then just act stupid and sleep with a stranger or get in someone’s car or not think about my actions. I’ve ruined a lot of friendships and relationship with my family and I’m so sad because idk why I behave like this. I wish I could just be a child again before all the bad happened and I am so angry and upset at myself for ruining the last few years of life. How do I turn my life around?? And please what the hell is wrong with me?? Like I know it’s my fault cuz I get myself into most of these shitty situations but how do I turn things around and how do I fix my life. I have so much potential but I keep ruining it and I’m just so sad and angry with myself.